You say “pops” I say “paletas” because I’m pretentious

Today was a beautiful and warm sunny day, with such the right amount of overcast for my laptop light tanned skin to not burst into flames.
Then it rained so hard it woke me up from my nap, which forced me into a shorter angry nap.
Plans to go out with my friends have been effectively canceled because of some crazy “flood warning” or something. More like my mother’s conspiracy to get me to stay home and not have fun. I’m on to you, mother

So before the crazy rain happened I came back from buying MAC dupes at the local discount beauty supply (nutmeg loves her deals) I popped a Strawberry & Cream Popsicle paleta that I made on the first, so about three days before.
The recipe I ended up following was from The Coconut Mama and is dairy free! Gasp! Something I can actually eat?
I also made tasty but incredibly gross looking rustic looking pops made out of chocolate and avocado from Girlichef.
Recipe will follow down the post.

I didn’t take any pictures of me making them because I had no idea I was making this blog, well, until a few hours later or something. Whatever, I can’t even keep track of what time I last ate, bear with me.

~~~
The strawberry and cream ones were my favorite to make! I love when desserts have really annoying multi-step processes and need to take up a large period of time, because hey why not.
Like no, for real. This isn’t even sarcasm.

After arguing with my sister for a bit about which pops to make, I insisted on these because we had all of the ingredients at home and I was not going grocery shopping. Ever since school has ended I have to go out with my hair washed and makeup on my face, because goddamn who am I gonna bump into today? Who knows! Living at home is a constant stressful impromptu high school reunion.

I have adapted the ingredients and how I did it. Ya know, added shit, took liberties, that kind of stuff. If you want the original recipe follow the link.


Strawberries & Cream
Serves about 12.

* 2-ish cups of frozen strawberries
* 1 can any fat coconut milk (the fatter the better, because mouthfeel son)
* 1/2 tbsp. vanilla extract
* 3 tbsp. honey (or in my case portuguese honey)
* 2 tbsp. agave nectar

1. Whip out your food processor or blending object, because if you don’t have one of these, you’re going to have a really bad time, and I can’t help you. Throw all of the leftover frozen strawberries you have, and throw in about 1 tbsp. of honey (or whatever you have enough patience to wait for). Puree. do not panic if your frozen strawberries are weird looking. The original recipe called for fresh berries, but I don’t live in a house with fresh strawberries, and I ain’t leaving at 3pm in my sweatpants. Just keep pureeing until it goes from frozen chunks of garbage to a smooth slushie consistency.

2. Grab a second bowl and throw in your whatever fat coconut milk (shake that sucker up first) and the vanilla and mix. If you are anything like me, you hate waiting for honey to run, and hate honey waste. So, do what I did: take some agave nectar from your diabetic sister and squirt it at the bottom of your tablespoon and cap it off with honey. Shit just slides right off. You don’t actually need 2 tbsps of agave nectar. I just have no idea how much you really need. Just throwing shit towards the wall and hoping it sticks. Mix that sucker together

3. Take out your pop mold and do this shit Ford style. Pour about 2 tbsps into each container. Take your strawberry slushie and plop as many small scoops as you want. I want to say I was dropping them by the teaspoon.

4. at some point you will run out of coconut milk mixture. do not panic. you can either use the remaining strawberry mixture and make a leftovers pop and stab it with a stick and go on your merry way… OR you can grab some other non-dairy milk from the fridge (almond milk here) and just kind of throw all of the strawberry slushie and then top it off with almond milk. I can’t promise this will taste good. I didn’t eat it myself. But hey! No waste!

5. Stick the sticks in those suckers and pop those babies into the freezer. The original recipe says 5-6 hours. I say whenever the fuck you want after you to go to bed. Its your life. Live by your own rules, man.

Bee-Tee-Dubs, I think you can throw in whatever fruit you want. In spirit of fourth of july, throw some fuckin’ blue berries in a separate blending tool and just throw chunks of that and the strawberries to be the most patriotic person at your party, take that Debbie.


 

 

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Unfrozen

 

 

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Ice Ice Baby

 

I should probably note that you need to either run these babies under hot water, or find your closest cup and fill it up with the hottest tap water.

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Keepin’ it classy

 

And then fucking feast on them outside on a weirdly overcast day under an umbrella and on a couch infested with small many-legged critters.

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I like to call those nails “rustic”

 

I’m going to give you all another life lesson here and say this: do not take selfies with a paleta in 90-degree weather You WILL get ice cream on yourself. It WILL melt. Please don’t take snaps of you eating your paleta and titling it “the fruits of my labor” and sending it to boys. Please don’t do this. Especially if there is one boy in particular you’re trying to impress. I’m telling you right now: none of them will answer you. Spare yourselves this pain.
I make these mistakes so you, my fine-feathered friend, do not have to make them.

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I am a mess of a human

 

You’re probably looking for a picture and a recipe of the chocolate paleta. Well, I didn’t want to show this to you, but cover the eyes of your young children.

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Yes those are Georgetown Cupcakes. No not from where you think.

 

Yes. Yes. This is it. Say hello to my Frankenstein paleta.
I would give you guys the walk through and like hold your hand and shit through this one but since mine are so hideous, I just can’t justify it. However, I will give you tips:

1. Do not use cheap chocolate powder. I did, and mine are not chocolatey enough.
2. MAKE SURE THAT AVOCADO IS PERFECTLY EMULSIFIED. you will end up with chunks and it will NOT be delicious
3. The recipe says something about chopping nuts enough just to incorporate them. Fuck that, pick your own consistency. I kept mine chunky for some textural reason. (or so I tell myself)
4. When you spoon those babies in, DON’T BE LAZY, lest you want your pop to be as hideous as this. because they will be. Fill up those molds like your life depends on it.
5. She says to freeze for 30 minutes and then insert sticks, well to hell with that bullshit because I just shoved those suckers in there, because I have the same level of patience as a five year old, and the sticks held up beautifully.

So run forth my children and create paletas. Your sticky fingers will thank you.

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3 thoughts on “You say “pops” I say “paletas” because I’m pretentious

    • Shit man, you’re the nicest person! :’) I can’t.
      maybe it’s both a little lust and love, eh? What’s love without a little sin, huh? 😛
      Or the alcohol. But that’s usually my problem. 🙂

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