Happy (belated) Portuguese 4th of July! – Lemon Berry Cream Tart

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Okay, before you start hissing at me and throwing the American flag doused in holy water towards my face, let me explain to you something: I am a first generation American. Yes, nobody Ladies and Gents, your friend Nutmeg is the child of immigrants. If you want a crash course in how ridiculous my family is, please refer to the very important documentary, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. This will clue you into what it is like to be both ethnic and American.

Just to give you a quick example with food (because who doesn’t love to eat? Certainly not you, or else why are you are here? Be gone, you) I ate both this:

Pig-Parts-Pasta Surprise

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Cooked in pig lard

 And…

Lobster Rolls

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Bless
Let that sink in.
So, Lobster roll was made by Whiskey, herself, and was served along with a side of slaw. She followed the amazing Bon Appetit Ultimate Lobster Roll recipe. Who knew that cucarachas of the sea were so delicious?

So my also Portuguese friend invited me to her 4th of July celebration on the 6th. I know the idea sounds almost stupid, but listen to me. This shit makes sense. Who honestly wants to sit around at somebody’s shitty ass barbeque eating some shoe-burgers, (because you know your fucking uncle can’t grill without burning everything) when you can be partying it up in DA CI-TAAAY like did, and watch the Macy’s fireworks? Nobody. Nobody wants to fucking do that. So house party on the weekend it is.

The party was kickass and ended up with her playing the piano and us singing. Talk about some old school shit, huh? It was awesome and I will fight anybody that thinks otherwise. Plus I was drunk off my ass on white wine, so good times were to be had with strangers who quickly became friends after bemoaning my men problems. (YES I DO TELL EVERYBODY OKAY? I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS)

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Bless again

 

We had “frango” which literally means “chicken (that is roasted)” or also known as “piri piri chicken”. She told me she followed the Emeril recipe which isn’t exactly traditional but hey, it’s good enough. Also served is “batatas ao murro” which is basically once-smashed potatoes with roasted olive oil and garlic. I can’t link anything since it’s all in Portuguese…. (stashes away idea for another blog post) Then there was also salmon (for funsies) and salad. You wanna have a better lunch than this? This shit is hardy. This is stick to your bones good, baby.

~~~

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So you probably want me to shut up and explain how it’s made right? Well, the recipe I followed titled it as Berry Tart with Lemon Cookie Crust from Better Homes and Gardens, however I disagree with this title since my crust was not cookie, and the tart was not prominently berry. Normally I would say “please read the original one because they are the masters and I am the lowly bake servant” except this time NO. The recipe kind of sort of sucks. And I mean it sort of sucks a lot. FOLLOW ME INTO DELICIOUS LEMON TART PIE LAND.


Lemon Berry Cream Tart
Serves 8 – whatever the fuck you feel like slicing

Ingredients
*6 tbsp butter, softened
*1/4 cup granulated sugar
*1 whole finely grated lemon peel
*1/2 tsp baking powder
*1/2 tsp vanilla
*1/8 tsp salt
*1 egg
*1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
*3/4 cup spreadable cream cheese (or that brick but softened)
*5 tbsp powdered sugar
*1/4 cup greek yogurt (you can improvise here)
*1/4 cup sour cream (same)
*whole lemon juice
*patriotic as fuck berries
*whipped cream {make your own, or follow mine}

1. Preheat that oven to 375 (or if you’re me and you hate your oven, 350 is fine too). Pull out your stand mixer and slap on that paddle attachment. You can use a whisk attachment, but know that you’re probably wrong. Cream that sucker until it’s soft and add the granulated sugar, half of the lemon’s peel, baking powder, vanilla, salt and shit. It looks like there is nothing in the bowl. This is concerning, but fine. Crack in that egg, and add the flour in 1/4th at a time until just combined. You don’t want your fuckin’ tart to be overmixed do you? That’s right son. Patience. At this point it will look like a sloppy play-doh mess and you will feel like a failure. This is normal.

2. Grab your 9-inch or whatever-the-fuck-you-want sized removable bottom tart pan and press that dough out. My pan is particularly high because a year ago I was on this crazy quiche kick and all I did was making a shit-ton of quiches. So don’t stress out about how high the sides are. It’ll be rustically beautiful, bro. As you press out the dough, do not panic. It will look like total shit. All that will be left is the marks of your greasy sad fingers.

2 1/2. Refrigerate it? Maybe? I didn’t and I think it might help retain its structure or maybe make it flakier due to how butter works… whatever.

3. Throw that sucker into the oven. The recipe says 6 minutes, except this recipe developer is a liar and totally not because I improvised the butter by absently minded adding 2 more tbsp of butter than needed. I ended up baking it for 15 minutes. Please, do not pull out your crust half way through to see it has puffed. Please do not prick your tart crust with a fork only to throw it back into the oven and watch it puff again. Please do not text all of your friends in a panic and send them pictures of your ugly crust. Please do not start sobbing hysterically while you’re alone over your soup when you’ve realized you can’t even bake a simple tart crust without feeling like a failure of a woman. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS BECAUSE I HAVE DONE IT FOR YOU

{If you have started to sob, it’s alright friend. Cry that shit out. When you’re done, remove all of your clothing, because hey why not you’re home alone, and bake in the nude with some sweet sweet tunes of Sublime playing.}

4. After you’ve washed out your bowl, throw in the cream cheese, other half of the lemon’s zest and the powdered sugar. Beat it and taste it. Does it taste like shitty healthy food to you? Add some more sugar. Live your life, man. You do you. I ain’t here to judge. If you’re short on either greek yogurt or sour cream, just do the whole 1/2 serving of just one. If you’re me, and you saw you still had some sour cream from some crap you made weeks ago, opened it up, sniffed, stirred it around and tasted it, and it didn’t taste like bubonic plague, then throw it right in there. Dat tang doe. Adds some awesome acid this lame ass recipe didn’t have before. Also, add in the whole juice of the lemon at this point, and mix all of this shit together.

5. Spread this baby to cover the mistakes of your crust like how you spread lies about your current employment and direction of your life. Be sure to not get any of your tears in the tart or the mixture.

If you’re serving this tomorrow, save off on these next two steps. If you’re impatient and you’re gonna eat this sucker NOW then read along for homemade whipped cream. If you want to be boring, you can buy that tub shit.

6. Grab some heavy cream and use about a 1/3 of a cup, whatever man. You have to chill on the measurements. Throw in 1 tbsp powdered sugar and 1/2 tsp vanilla. Whip that baby up, and keep your eye on it or you’ll get gross ass butter. Your whipped cream will be “stabilized” (meaning it won’t become a shit puddle in half an hour) and look like crap. Do not panic. This is kind of okay.

7. Spread your whipped cream over your mistake of a cream, and then throw your washed fresh berries on top. YOU ARE DONE BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF


The post is basically done. If you want to look at some pictures (and trust me, you want to see this train wreck turn pretty sweet) then KEEP ON LOOKIN’ HONEY.

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Greasy fingerprints of despair
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cue the hysterics over soup
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Looking… still really shitty

It wasn’t until I finally removed the tart from the pan that I realized…. Maybe I assumed the worst for no reason. I started sobbing invisioning how horribly ugly my crust was going to be, and how this tied into my self-worth as a person (because you know once you start crying ALL of that deep shit comes out at once), only to be… surprised. Not only pleasantly surprised, but really proud. Really fucking proud.

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Check out this glamor shot

See? The crust doesn’t turn out to be so bad after all. And you know what? All of the strangers you baked this for will actually love it, and get seconds.

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this slice is hideous because I was drunk as shit at this point

So buck up, and bake because you love it. Bake because it’s the one skill you’re actually pretty good at. Bake, because it is really stinkin’ delicious, and who needs any other reason?
(See, you came for a recipe but didn’t expect to leave with some Aesop’s fables shit right here. You’re welcome and I love you.)

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4 thoughts on “Happy (belated) Portuguese 4th of July! – Lemon Berry Cream Tart

    • Hahahah! Let me tell you, I’ve paid $15 dollars (I blame Brooklyn prices) for a sea cockroach roll, and I could say this one was at least as delicious (maybe not more, but hey I’m hard on myself). 😛

      Thank you! You’re too sweet! Eeep!

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