How the do you even pronounce them?? – Hazelnut Financiers

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Some people like to go to bed the night before thinking about everything they want to accomplish the next day. “Oh I gotta get my hair did” or “Shit, how am I going to avoid seeing my cousin at the birthday tomorrow?” You know, these people like to feel like they have structure to their day because they are organized responsible.

I am not one of these people.

When I woke up at my usual hour of 12:30pm, I was horribly bored of my day already. Just a day in the life of a stay-at-home daughter, am I right guys?. I had made the pão de ló the other day, and now I was stuck with ten fucking egg whites in a Thai food take out container. What the hell am I supposed to make with this shit? Egg white omelets? What do I look like to you? Some healthy chick? Nah, fuck that noise. We go big or we go home.
I was originally thinking of making macarons but I’m still recovering from the 6 times i made them wrong a year ago

I realize at that exact moment that I am home alone, and a devious smile spreads across my face as stay as naked as I was when I slept. I am going to bake naked in my house and it will be awesome. I start to finish up my pão de ló post when I get a phone call from my father saying he’s coming home now, get my ass ready because I gotta drop my car off to get an oil change and inspection.

I drive down the high way alone which is impressive because I’m both an absent minded driver and deathly afraid of driving, so you know that goes well for me. During the trip back my father tells me he’s gonna watch the Netherlands x Argentina game downstairs, which means with some creative planning I can at least bake in an hideously huge free college tee shirt and panties for the remainder of the game, until we get home to find out Whiskey is already home watching the game.
Fuck man.

Normally I stop to watch the World Cup games because I am an Portuguese-American and if I don’t watch the games and support Portugal I will be water boarded by my community, but this time I’m on a fucking baking mission, and these damn fianciers are gonna happen.

I ended up following Sauver’s Pistachio Finaciers and making some serious adjustments all because I have no car and won’t leave the goddamn house again.

Hazelnut Finaciers
Serves 24 (I can’t remember and depends on your pan) (I KNOW I’VE FAILED I HAD ONE TASK)

*8 tbsp. (1 stick) butter, plus some more for the pans (i better not hear any bitching about how much butter this has.)
*1/2 cup flour, plus some more for pans (if you want. I forgot to flour them of course)
*1/2 cup sugar
*1/2 cup brown sugar (whatever fuckin’ shade you want. I like mine dark and nobody can tell me light is any better)
*1/2 tsp salt (recipes always say kosher, well sorry I use whatever salt I fucking want and it works)
*4 egg whites (8 tbsp. if you got that shit in a thai food container)
*3/4 cup hazelnuts {total}, 1/2 as ground as possible ;; 1/4 kinda ground whatever
*2 tbsp. ground almonds
*1 tsp. baking powder

1. Go into your cupboard to pull out all of the ingredients only to realize you have no pistachios for a FUCKING PISTACHIO DESSERT. You can start to cry now, but I’d save your tears for later in the game when you mess everything up like me. Grab the closest second, hazelnuts, and comfort yourself into thinking this will be an acceptable substitute. Throw the oven on to no more than 350 and pop the hazelnuts in there long enough for the skins to split (like 5 minutes??? I dunno keep your eye on them dammit)

2. Grab a metal looking pot, or any pot that isn’t those non-stick dark ones so you can actually see what you’re fucking doing. Throw your whole stick of butter in there and don’t stir. Just stare at the butter and occasionally pick up the pot and shake it around like you’re a professional chef. Apparently you shouldn’t really stir butter to make brown butter or beurre noisette oh my god i am such a snot. But then again it depends on which website you’re getting your fucking instructions on, since only after I made it did I realize you can and should stir. Perfect. Pay close attention to your butter and seriously don’t walk away because it will burn and be gross. Keep swirling the pot around until the basically hot and frying butter sputters out of the pan and hits you on the fucking face and burns it
You can start crying now.
This is gonna be a long adventure, friends.

2 1/2. I’m gonna say this is technically optional only because the only reason you remove the skins of the hazelnut is because they’re bitter or something. DO I HEAR A BABY COMPLAINING ABOUT THE BITTER SKINS, HUH?
Oh- Oh wait, I do.
It’s me.
Grab your cooled hazelnuts that I hope you did not burn your hand on like me, and throw them in a clean dish towel, (Or a dirty one, I ain’t eating your cookie-cakes) and enclose them and rub them around with your hands sensually and the skins will mostly come off. Throw all of them in your food processor and get a nice grate to them. I have pictures below, so now you have to see them. Take out about 1/4 of a cup or less and set aside. Grind them as much more as you can before that shit turns into delicious butter and save to the side.

3. Take your 2 measly tbsp. of almonds and get them shits as powdery as you can. However don’t panic; this doesn’t have to be macaron perfect. Put them in a bowl and set aside

4. Pull out your stand mixer and grab your container of egg whites, and vainly attempt to do the impossible and scoop out 8 tsbp of egg whites. If you can somehow pull out exactly 8 full tablespoons you are a god/dess amongst men and I will venerate you. you also have to teach me your secrets Throw in one more half-assed tsbp. and pat yourself on the back for giving it the ol’ college try. important: add BOTH of your sugars, and please please please do not make the mistake of not adding in the brown sugar. YOU WILL SEE WHY. also throw the salt in there for good measure.

5. Start whisking it, and let it run for like 3 or so minutes, because you want that shit fluffy for no real reason other than feeling accomplished and professional or something dumb. You are probably gonna be confused because this is my your first time making them and you’re wondering why you’ve basically made a meringue and the panic starts settling back in. DO NOT PANIC THIS IS FINE, I think. Taste your meringue and realize it’s salty. Now panic.

6. Add your flour, ground nuts (but not the first 1/4 hazelnuts) and baking powder. STIR THIS WITH A SPOON. DO NOT WHISK IT LIKE I DID. It will all get caught in the wires and you’ll have to force it out with a rubber spatula and you’ll start cursing while you’re watching the penalty kicks on the tv. At this point you will look down at your bowl and realize you’ve made a bowl of some shit that looks like vomit. When you start crying, make sure you don’t get your salty tears into the batter. You’ve already fucked up and made it too salty and it doesn’t need your help.

7. Pour in your browned butter and leave that dreggy shit in the bowl. you don’t need that life. Get the same rubber spatula you used to remove all of the batter from the whisk after you disobeyed my instructions and sort of whisk it around until you end up with this weird greasy looking ball of something with chunks of nuts in it. Go and let that sucker sit in the fridge. Start to put away your things when you reaLIZE THAT YOU’VE FORGOTTEN THE BROWN SUGAR OH MY GOD THE FUCKING BROWN SUGAR I PUT IT ON THE SIDE AND I DIDN’T TAKE IT OUT OF THE BAG AND HOLY SHIT I FORGOT THE FUCKING BROWN SUGAR I AM A FAILURE.
don’t panic. You will get through this. Go back to the fridge and remove the bowl and just fuckin’ throw the brown sugar in there, and stir that shit until it looks like it combined or something. Go place it back in the fridge, and wipe your tears again for the third time.

8. Take an angry nap for about an hour or so. You know, whenever it feels right.

9. Preheat your oven to 350 and pull out whatever pan you want. According to google there’s a shit-ton of options. I, on the other hand, am tired of having two cheap madeleine pans never fucking be used, and decided to take matters into my own hands. I chose the cousin of madeleines and shoved them into the same mold. AIN’T NO THANG. But really, like butter your molds. The instructions said to also flour them, but hey, you do what you want. I didn’t do that. If you messed up as badly as me, your batter won’t be runny but more tacky like play-doh. sort of… like remove it and place a ball into the mold and mush that shit around until you can feel good about yourself.

10. Top each one with the less grated hazelnuts and pop them in oven. KEEP YOUR EYEBALLS ON THEM. The recipe called for 16 minutes, but I was able to bake them perfectly in 8. When you pull them out of the oven they’re still gonna be mushy and look undercooked. They are not. Let them hang around for a bit in the pans and then use a toothpick and sort of loosen them around the edges and then remove those suckers.

Some of these pictures are extra shitty, since, like I was so angry that hot splattering butter jumped onto my face, I sort of baked with a scowl, and not even the sweet serenade of Jack Johnson could tame the anger and beast inside of me.
That’s when you know it’s gotta be bad.

But hey, hey wait. Before you start looking, I tried some glamor shots. Awwwwwww yeaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. i am a horrible photographer

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Welcome to the shithole that is housing things in my garage

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Happily melting butter… tra-la-la~

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fuck u u evil piece of shit i swear to god

and the butter still hasn’t browned

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Oh my

Sorry for the NSFW picture here of these naked hazelnuts, amirite, friends? haha!
I am so corny why what is wrong with me. I wasn’t hugged enough

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You’re welcome for the product placement Cuisinart

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So here’s where I’m confused. Because I clearly forgot to add the brown sugar, would this still have become a merginue? Did I seriously make them completely and utterly wrong??? Because I ain’t surprised with my stupid shit self.

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ah yes, just what this post needs, another close up of hazelnuts
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I took the liberty of editing the photo to show the true soul of the butter more clearly to you guys, since it was already evil looking unedited. It was out for human flesh, particularly that of a short flowery girl, because it knew I couldn’t fight back.
It’s alright butter. I got back at you.
You’re in my stomach now

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The best part is, I stupidly took this picture like “wow look at me so smart gonna do a before and after pic for my friends” and then started crying into the bowl.

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This is the CORRECT color of what your vomit-batter is supposed to look like. If it’s too white, you messed up somewhere. Please do not cry into the bowl.

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Somehow after an angry nap resting period of an hour in the fridge it got weirdly tacky looking.

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The technique is just “smush and hope for the best”

Load that hazelnut crumble on there. Make it work for it’s paycheck.

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ok they’re kind of ugly but that’s entirely my fault. Or maybe my pan. Yeah gonna blame the pan.
 photo 20140709_205620_RichtoneHDRcopy_zps0d326b59.jpgLook at that buttery greasy goodness, hell yeh

So what do they taste like? Kind of weirdly extra brown buttery? I guess because the brown butter gives them a hazelnut taste, and, uh, the hazelnut doesn’t exactly detract from that. They thankfully aren’t salty despite the tears, and they’re sturdy little suckers. It’s been a few days, and I’m still snackin’ on them.
I like ’em. Small, unassuming and flavored with human tears.
Reminds me of myself.


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