Pipping cookies isn’t for the weak — Chocolate Dipped French Sablés

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I love to watch the sunrise. Well, technically I don’t watch it because the blinds in my room are always closed… but the idea of watching the sunrise is beautiful… as I sit behind my laptop screen.
And then I like to go straight to sleep.
Because I’ve been awake. Meaning I didn’t go to bed yet. Meaning I go to sleep when normal people are waking up to go to work.

Ah yes, the life of an unemployed millennial.

I woke up at the bright-eyed and bushy tailed hour of 2:30pm on this particular Sunday, feeling particularly sad because I said some not so nice things to that guy. of course My sarcasm shoots me in the foot again.
I should write “I Thought It Was Funny, But I’m Actually An Asshole and I Didn’t Know It” the novel, with accompanied audio tapes read out loud in my luscious and certainly sensuous voice.

Why did I go to bed at 6am, you ask? Well aside from anxiously scrolling on tumblr and watching Vines, I decided to binge watch Bob’s Burgers, and finished all of season one, and got like 3 episodes into season two.
Time well spent, I’ll tell ya.
Honestly though? I just want to be one of those people who gets up real early and goes to yoga classes and eats berries and shit, but I just stay in bed until 4pm and play Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.

So, I woke up and thought, well, I guess I should bake then. But… I ended up getting sidetracked and was scrolling through the reader and found these incredibly beautiful photos of sablés by Zedbakescakes. Trust me. Go on their blog and check out their pictures. I want to cry tears of lava because their photos are so beautiful and so perfect it makes mine look like the cheap imitation. Their cookies are the Prada, and mine are the Sprada.

I mean, shit. They look easy enough. And don’t require too many ingredients and steps. I honestly just needed something to keep me entertained since I was home alone.

I was…. home…. alone.
You know what that means, EHHH?

BAKING NAKED

Or, rather, almost naked. My kitchen is covered in windows. Bitch can’t even hike her skirt up to fix her panties without flashing the whole Portuguese community outside having a party thrown by her parents. So, I did the next best thing: got my cutest frilly red apron and some cute polka dot panties AND STARTED THE BAKING PARTY BABY.

I came into this idea with a preconceived notion with how exactly this would look like… and let me tell you, it was less like this:
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and more like this:

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boobays a flappin’

So, despite the… er…. technical difficulties baking started to the sweet sexy tunes of Red Hot Chili Peppers & Nirvana. Because there’s nothing better to bake to then men singing about how sad they are and drugs, right?
there was supposed to be some humor or sarcasm in there. i somehow lost it.

The recipe I ended up using wasn’t Zed’s but rather this not because I didn’t trust her recipe or anything of the sort, but because I already had so many goddamn eggwhites I wasn’t going to add more to my thai food container.


Chocolate Dipped French Sablé Cookies
Serves – Uh. Makes like 20 or so cookies. Serves as many people as who can shove them down the fastest

Ingredients:
*95g {6 tbsp} butter
*1 pinch fleur de sel (or if you’re me you used portuguese sea salt. same shit, no?)
*1/4 tsp vanilla (actually… uhh, I forgot to take notes. maybe i did this twice I DONT REMEMBER WHY)
*40g {~1/6 cup} powder sugar (I actually did the math here)
*1 whole egg (I CAN EXPLAIN)
*125g {slightly more than 1/2 cup} flour
*100g {between 1/2 & 1/3 cup} darkest chocolate

1. Preheat your oven to like 350. Then bang around your cabinets until you find a cookie sheet and a silpat. The Silpat is essential since it makes you feel like a nude professional baker. Pull out your stand mixer and use the paddle attachment and throw your 6 tbsp of butter in there. I just toss the whole stick and let the machine make quick work of it. Also, guesstimate what a “pinch” of salt means to you, while I obnoxiously use my “pinch” measuring spoon. Ha! Beat that butter until creamy like you’re making buttercream. So… a few minutes.

2. Dump the powdered sugar into this butter-salt mixture and keep beating. No, no need to be fancy and shift it. I mean, you could and it would probably produce a better cookie, but fuck it, you’re naked and it’s 4:30 pm, who needs shifted ingredients anyway!

3. Okay, let me explain to you what I did here. SO, I compared the recipes between Zed and uh, Mr. Herme’s cookie recipe, and thought “wait why does one use egg yolk and the other egg white”? And I read the posts, and Zed said they’re hard to pipe, and hers is just egg yolks, while the Herme’s post said the cookies came out extremely delicate when just using egg whites…. SO, in my pea-brain at the moment I thought COMBINE THE TWO! and then I thought, no wait USE 1 WHOLE EGG IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, IT’S LESS YOLK AND LESS EGG WHITE BUT TOGETHER… WHAT A PERFECT COMBINATION.
Once you’re doing reeling in my amazing epiphany throw your egg in there {please crack it}, and your vanilla. This mixture is gonna look a little like curdle vomit.
This is fine, do not panic. Trust me, you don’t need a wayward breast to flop out and make you feel even more pathetic.

4. Add the flour and mix it until you’re like “yeah this looks mixed or some shit” it’s probably mixed or some shit, and you should scoop it into a pastry bag with your LARGEST STAR TIP. I AM STRESSING YOU NEED THE LARGEST TIP YOU CAN FIND. Anything smaller and it’s a whipped cream fiasco all over again. You will hate yourself.
Scratch that, you will hate yourself anyway. These cookies are so fucking hard to pipe, I am pretty sure I started sweating onto the silpat.
I ended up piping them in various shapes thinking I was creative and clever only to be disappointed with how ugly they turned out to be.
just like when I look at myself in the mirror when I take my makeup off

5. Toss them in the oven and start freaking out when you see not only your mother, but her friend coming into the house from the back way WITH ALL OF THE WINDOWS FACING THE KITCHEN AND YOU ARE NAKED AND WEARING JUST AN APRON. Grab your clothes, and run into the laundry room and change as quickly as you can. When your mother starts calling your name, respond. When she starts asking what you’re doing FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IGNORE THAT QUESTION.
TRUST ME YOU DON’T WANT TO EXPLAIN TO THE PORTUGUESE COMMUNITY YOU BAKED NAKED

6. Come back with just enough time to see your cookies lose their shape as they bake and turn golden brown. Remove them and set them on cooling racks. Get out your fancy double boiler two pots stacked and start melting chocolate while your mother and her friend start clucking about how small your cookies look.
THEY WERE HARD TO PIPE, OKAY? You exclaim out loud while you’re wearing nothing but yellow sweatpants and a free college shirt.

7. Once your chocolate has melted and the cookies have cooled off, you basically dip them and let them dry. I didn’t actually use that much chocolate because I thought it would be wasted.
I was wrong. As usual.
My cookies had too little chocolate on them and they looked as pathetic as I did baking in a frilly apron and polka-dot panties.
I’m 22 I swear
Let them rest on a wire rack or parchment paper to harden.
Or you can just be like me and EAT THEM HOT BECAUSE I AIN’T CONTROLLED BY NO RULES.
i burned my tongue and fingers


You’d be surprised but I took like no pictures this time. The batter look like a normal dough to me, and I didn’t spectacularly mess up like I normally do……. Or maybe I did, because my cookies look like a car hit it. Ch-check it out!

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Such promise

My unbaked cookies looked kind of…. dare I say… cute? Like I could be proud of them. But then heated up, all they do is cause disappointment. this is what it must feel like to be a mother.

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glamor side angle shot. it’ ain’t no baking post without it
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who needs to wait for chocolate to harden? Certainly NOT ME
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Yes, that is the Rooster of Barcelos. Yes we are that Portuguese family
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buttery and crumbly and coated with chocolate. what more does anybody need?

~~~

My mother’s friend arriving turned this into an impromptu tea party with hot cookies and melted chocolate on all of the plates. I then cleaned up, and realized holy shit it’s 8:30 and there’s no dinner so my mother went to drop off our friend (who lives in our town so is like basically our neighbor) and I started on a chickpea surprise dinner, complete with turmeric-garlic rice all while I ate my sablés.
Look at me. Dessert and dinner in one day. I’d like to create a husband application, please apply here.

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I included a picture so you can see why I have a baking blog and not a cooking blog. Not much better.

My mother returned home and upturned her nose at the “exotic” food I was making. She then smacked her lips and ate all of my rice.
*audibly sighs*
post grad livin’ son

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