Because some things can’t be translated — Serradura, or Sawdust Pudding

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I’m pretty proud of myself. I woke up early the other day. That’s right, you heard it here. I woke up early! Woke up at the good hour of about 12pm. At least, that’s what I think. The earliest text I sent that day was about at 12:09pm, so I’m guessing 12-ish is correct, figuring I have to work in the time I spent playing phone app games, checking my snaps, and pining over boys who will never love me on facebook.
It’s a hard morning routine, I know, but somebody’s gotta do it.

My sister intercepted me eating a banana and reading The Bell Jar {watch out boys, it’s possible for me to grow more in female power!} and told me that her partner said that she needed to make a Serradura, because one of his american co-workers asked for an authentic Portuguese dessert. Yes, my sister dates a Portuguese person too.
Yes, we’re that kind of Portuguese family.

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we like to get up close and personal

This would be a fun and dandy adventure except for the simple fact that I am lactose intolerant and this dessert is all cream… Meaning I haven’t really eaten it in years. Meaning I don’t really know what it’s supposed to taste like. So, I’m basically signed up for a blind-in-one-eye baking experience. Great.

Sister ended up doing the research since she was so adamant. I ended up doing a combo-wombo and following this recipe by Delish D’Lights and this one in Portuguese by Blog do Nô.
I kind of had to do a mix and match sort of thing. The portuguese recipe asked for MORE sugar, and I’m like WHAT MORE? No way, that shit is gross.

Do I look like I eat a lot of sugar? Huh??
don’t answer that question

This recipe requires Maria crackers. What exactly are they? Well, they’re tea biscuits that originated in England.

Ahem. Well, let me adjust myself. Sorry, shock and disappointment.

They can be found in America at supermarkets in the ethnic food isle. (I think) Goya sells them here. We actually buy ours at the (you guessed it) Portuguese supermarket so I get the ones straight from my people’s land, which are from the Cuétara brand. Which I get the sneaky feeling it’s actually a Spanish brand.

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gettin’ fancy here

shocked and disappointed
not a tru portuguese person

Can’t find ’em because you’re not in a diverse area, or not in any of these countries where it’s sold? Well, find any tea cookie that is flavored with vanilla. If you really reaaaaaallly can’t then… I’m sure any brown little crisp tea cookie will be fine. Never ate this before without Maria cookies, so approach with caution.

This recipe is spectacularly easy to make. Even if you can’t bake up a box cake without ruining it, you literally can’t ruin this. You wanna know how I know this? even I didn’t mess this up. I mean it’s a no bake dessert for christ’s sake. Even I can do things right.
That’s right ladies and germs, this is my first dessert on this website that I made CORRECTLY.
There is a baking god.

*2 cups heavy cream
*1 can condense milk {those squat shortest cans. Not those tall ones. No way. Too much. Mistake.}
*~30 Maria crackers {cookies? biscuits?}
*1/2 tsp vanilla extract
*1 gelatin leaf

1. Grab a shallow bowl and pull out 1 gelatin leaf and like a splishy-splash of tap water and leave that sucker to sort of mush for 10 minutes or whatever. At least ten minutes.
If you’re looking at me wondering “what the ever loving fuck is a gelatin leaf, DO NOT FEAR FOR I HAVE A TRUSTY LINK EXPLAINING WHAT TO DO. Thanks The Kitchn. Where would I be without you?
Can’t use gelatin? I’m sure you can use Agar Agar, or whatever substitute. The point of this is to get it to that nice Goldielocks point, juuuuuuuuust stiff enough. It’s so it isn’t runny or anything weird. Gotta keep that shit up tight, son.

2. Now, you can be a boring lame-o and do this in your food processor OR you can be cool and fun and pull out your mortar and pestle and do this the OL’ FASHIONED WAY. You take your crackers and you beat the ever-loving shit out of them until they are small semi-homogenous crumbs. Big pieces you don’t feel like beating? Tell your friends to shut up, it’s rustic.

3. Now cut with all of the old fashion shit, and pull out your stand mixer. Typically baking blogs say to freeze the bowl and whisk before hand. I was bored enough to freeze only the whisk. It didn’t squat for me. You live by your own rules. Never done it before and I’ve gotten nice soft peaks, man. Whatever you do, throw your heavy cream in there, and let it beat for awhile, like until soft-ish peaks form. Dribble in your vanilla and throw in your whole can of condensed milk, and whisk until stiff peaks. Taste it. Is it too sweet? Put in more heavy cream. Is it not sweet enough? Child, you need jesus. And maybe a dentist.
{But like for real, add some powdered sugar in small batches to taste}

4. Nuke your gelatin for like 10 to 15 seconds. Or whenever it looks melted enough. Turn your mixer back on, and slowly pour it in once it’s cooled off a bit. DO NOT LET THIS SIT IN YOUR PLATE. THE GELATIN WILL START TO SOLIDIFY. THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T WAIT FOREVER TO MIX IT WITH THE CREAM. It’s almost like tempering eggs the lazy way. Just slowly throwing it in and hoping for the best. It’ll look watery and like nothing much as really changed. This is fine friends. Do no panic.

5. Grab small cute glasses if you wanna be fancy, or do it the old fashion Portuguese way and grab a big glass container of any shape or size. Whatever makes you happy and shit. Start with some cream at the bottom, and smooth it out. We’re going for something like a trifle here, get me? Then sprinkle some of the cracker crumbs. Make sure the cream layer is covered all the way, and you can see the layer of crushed cookie on the side. If you can’t you’re wasting your time with the glass, fool. It’s sort of like making a lasagna… except with dessert. So like, a dessert lasagna. However, you start with cream and end with cookie. Once you get to the top, sprinkle the rest you have all over the top. Don’t have enough? Crush a few more, hey!
BE WEARY: You don’t want your cookie layer to be super thick. You want it to moisten and soften in the fridge. You don’t want dry ass cookie crumbs. Trust me. That shit is gross.

6. Stick it in the fridge for like two hours. Voila! The easiest fucking dessert ever. Shit, I didn’t even mess this up. You’ll know you did it right when you pull it out of the fridge and the cookie layer has soften and looks wet.

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my mortar and pestle is legit marble, son
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that’s stiff peaks right??? i only know in eggwhites i’m so afraid of making accidental butter
 photo 16copy_zps491284d9.jpgcheck out dem crumbs baby. nice and soft
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because this is artsy right? right??

So here’s a protip: While the dessert is super delicious fresh, I’m gonna venture to say it’s more delicious the second day. This gives the gelatin more time to solidify and the flavors to really meld together, ya feel me?

On Friday I woke up and had a weird hankering for sriracha. So I made myself sriracha eggs for breakfast at 1:30pm. Then around 3:30 I decided “hey it’s lunchtime” and I made some sriracha fried rice, and I got too sauce happy. Like tablespoons of sauce happy. I can handle my fuckin’ spice, son.
This, however, was a mistake.
My nose was running and I was sniffling up a storm all while eating in my stupid yellow sweatpants and bra. I needed some dairy when I was done STAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
I ran and got some of the serradura out and ate it straight from the bowl. pls don’t tell my family


Yes, it’s true. I am a millennial.
Now I still have to figure out what to make with those like 6 egg whites I still have left from my pão de ló


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