So it’s Saturday, and I wake up to my mother hovering over my bed. “Are you gonna wake up?” She asks shrilly. “What’s the problem?” I grumble, hiding the fact that I’m hungover. “Is twelve tirdy and people are coming ova. You gotta git up!”
You see, my mother has an accent, which I mimic spectacularly well. I mean, shit 22 years of hearing it, and you can bet your sweet ass I’m gonna be a fucking mimeograph of her voice.
I come down in my yellow sweatpants but throw on shirt this time, instead of walking around in my bra. You know, for modesty. “Go Schange!” Bahhhhhhhhh! It’s like since the almost three months I’ve been living back at home I’m 16 again, and dear god that is some horrible Nam flashbacks.
I end up getting side-tracked and doing some research in order to use up those damn egg whites I still had sitting in a Thai food container from another Portuguese dessert. I ended up finding out HOLY SHIT YOU CAN MAKE FLOURLESS CHOCOLATE COOKIES WITH EGG WHITES? WHAT????
When I was in college after my horrible ex and I broke up, I would spend all of my new-found beautiful free time walking around the campus, reading poetry and ordering the flourless chocolate cookies from Starbucks without the fear of any man telling me I’ll get fat. I fuckin’ smashed those down my throat and slurped iced tea like I was gonna instagram it.
The memories alone was enough to convince me, so here I went on my adventure. The recipe I ended up following was from I Heart Eating. Made some changes and stuff. I’m so annoying with sugar. You people need some dentists.
Flourless Chocolate Cookies
Serves – As many cookies as you wanna make depending on size, i dunno man
I just didn’t count
*2 cup powder sugar
*3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
*1/4 tsp salt
*4 egg whites (or like 8 tbsp because you have your egg whites in a thai food contaier)
*1 tbsp vanilla
*1/8 ~ 1/14 tsp instant espresso (It’s a mess, I’ll explain)
*fist-full of chocolate chips (optional. like if you want)
1. Get your oven to 350 degrees, and pull out either parchment paper or a silpat if you love mother earth and don’t want to throw out paper, like moi
no, I’m just really a baking snot. don’t listen to me
If you use a silpat, the original recipe says to spray with cooking spray, but since I don’t like the funky weird chemicals in spray bottles I just buttered my tiny-ass silpat. Uh, I guess you do the same with parchment??? Maybe????
2. Use your PADDLE attachment. TRUST ME HERE. And throw in your powdered sugar, cocoa powder and salt. When your grandmother’s old lady friends visit to drop off Portuguese sweets, be sure to be polite enough to say hello, but don’t let them get in the way your baking. You’re on a mission. Stay with me, agent.
3. Throw in your vanilla and try not to sigh when they try to push their lumbering hairy son on you. Do not show interest or else he will not leave you alone. LISTEN TO ME, THIS IS IMPORTANT. If this is the first time a man is being shoved on you à la old-country-dating-style then do not fret. You will get offered more sons. Don’t take the first one that is offered to you. You’re clearly worth a few cows and maybe a sheep.
Trust me, I’m an old pro. even when I had a boyfriend I was offered sons. this is real. this shit still happens
4. Okay this is important, like for real. Pay attention. When I originally made these I used up a whole 1/2 a tsp of instant espresso powder. My cookies came out too coffee-like in taste and not pure chocolate. Considering I made up this step, I am wholly NOT surprised I fucked up. À la Regular Nutmeg style. I haven’t made these again yet, so I would err on the side of 1/8th tbh, u feel me? Mix this with the hottest tap water of the next size spoon up. (1/8th espresso? 1/4 water)
5. Pull out your egg whites and fight with trying to get 8 tbsps out. No really. It’s like impossible. If you can get out 8 nice and full scoops of egg white, then please present yourself to me, so I may kiss your hand and absorb your power. You are a god/dess among men.
If you’re like me, lazy and bad at everything, just kind of half-heartily scoop out about 8 tbsps and then throw like two more for good luck and blow a kiss into the batter. Maybe it’ll work this time.
spoiler: it doesn’t
Excuse me. I’m going to pull a Hemmingway and get drunk on wine before I finish this post.
UPDATE: Plan failed. I told Whiskey I was going to drink wine and watch Sabrina the Teenaged Witch, and she ended up joining me and somehow drinking most of the bottle and eating cheese and crackers, while I ate old strawberry chocolate truffles. How dafuq?
6. Oh shi- right. I’m in the middle of describing a recipe. Ohhkay. So after your crap is all mixed it will look…. well, like crap. If you HEADED MY INSTRUCTIONS then you will have an easy clean up. If you’re anal retentive like me with mixing words, you’ll have a fucking disgusting whisk. Have fun soaking that shit in hot water.
Chocolate is your enemy here.
Throw in like a fist-fill of chocolate chips and mix it in with a spatula. Be sure to look over your batter and panic for five minutes wondering if you royally fucked up with adding less sugar because your batter looks like serious garbage.
Friends, this is normal.
7. Since the instructions said to scoop the shit-batter out with tablespoons, I thought hey i’m a fancy fucker and i’m gonna use two soup spoons!
Don’t do this. This is a waste of time. The batter (dough??? wtf do you call this???) is tacky as fuck. So it’s not like… sticky, but you WILL get chocolate all over your fingers. Don’t be a pansy. Just dig your fingers in there, and rip off chunks. Mold that shit like play-doh into whatever size you want. Your cookies = Your rules.
I made mine small, because I have small elf-hands and a small elf-mouth. I like the things I stick in my mouth to be petite.
no stop why
8. Pop them in your preheated oven for like exactly 8 minutes. I baked the first batch for ten, and like macarons THEY WERE HOLLOW IN THE MIDDLE WHY. WHY. I’VE HAD ENOUGH HORRIBLE YOUTH FLASHBACKS TODAY WHY
9. Once you’re done sobbing while they bake, let them cool off slightly, and use a knife to slide underneath the cookies, because they will stick and come apart when you yank them up. Like…. like an overcooked macaron. 😥
Fight back more tears and put them on a cooling rack.
Hey guys, if you’re ever feeling down about your baking skills, bookmark this page and just keep looking at these pictures. 100% guarantee to cheer your ass right up.
And this is why you should use a paddle. This fucking picture should be a baking PSA.
Like no seriously guys. I honestly don’t think I could have made a more horrific looking batter if I tried.
After I was done with the cookies, my mother shoved a couple of them down the old portuguese people’s throats. The lumbering hairy son stood around me, giving me a half look while I sat at the table and texted that guy I say I hate but I clearly like because I never shut up about him.
don’t ever do this to yourself. stop caring about men. it’s always a fuckin’ let down
As the old ladies ate their cookies and clucked about more to my smiling mother, she turned to the son, and she was like “Soooooh, what you do?”. You see, when you’re an ethnic mother and sons get offered up to your daughter you have to do some research. You can’t just give up the prized youngest daughter unless that son has some credentials, son.
Seeing as I’m still fresh, 22 and only mildly used (according to what my mother knows), knows how to cook, and isn’t lazy enough to put her clothes on the ground (just pile them on the footboard) I’m like a fucking beef tenderloin.
Or-or maybe not. Maybe more like the shank, let’s be honest here friends.
The son looks up and says “Well, actually, I was thinking of joining a seminary.”
FANTASTIC. NOW I’M EVEN DESPERATE ENOUGH TO THINK THAT BOYS GOING INTO THE SEMINARY ARE INTERESTED IN ME.
I need to get out of my house bye
I just wanna make a few shoutouts, so bare with me, I know I talk a lot.
First I want to thank Jhuls SO INCREDIBLY MUCH FOR MENTIONING ME IN HER BLOG POST!
This was the first time I was ever mentioned ANYWHERE and I am fucking JUMPING FOR JOY WHEN I SAW THIS I ALMOST DIED/CRIED. WHISKEY WAS SUPER EXCITED TOO AND IS NOW WRITING HER FIRST POST. TBA FOR NOW. ❤
I’M GONNA TAKE LIKE A FUCKIN’ SCREENSHOT OF THIS AND SAVE IT LIKE IT’S A NEWSPAPER CLIPPING.
Because of Jhuls, I have now like 17 followers!!! WHATTT? 17??? AMAZING. I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN A BLOG FOR A MONTH YET! I LOVE YOU ALL WELCOME AND PLEASE STAY FOR THE SHITSHOW.
… which leads me to my next shoutout….
ON AUG 1ST IT WILL HAVE BEEN ONE MONTH SINCE I’VE BEEN LIKE A REAL LIVE BLOG.
This has been something I’ve thought about for years, and finally…. finally it’s here! I sometimes forget I even have a blog, because it’s anonymous, and I’ve only told like no more than 10 friends. My ma doesn’t even know!
If I stop being lazy and edit pictures and type fast enough (which means it might be crap) I’ll have a different dessert for the 1st! If not, then… uhh, the 2nd is close enough!
Love you all and I wanna kiss you all. But since you probably don’t want to kiss me, let’s at least fucking hold hands and dance like we are a daisy-chain.