Let’s call the whole thing off?? — Key Lime Pie Doughnuts (Donuts???)

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My sister and I were driving to the gym a few days ago. We were arguing about baking — because what else is there to talk about in this world, amirite???? This is what normal people argue about while going to the gym, right??

Whatever. Either way, we had bought key limes earlier that week, and she insisted I put my other baking project on hold to make some kind of key lime dessert.
“Let’s make pie!” I futilely say, knowing that my sister cannot tolerate citrus desserts.
“No! Ew! Who likes key lime pie?”
“UHM HOW ABOUT EVERYBODY IN THE FUCKIN’ EARTH. WHAT DA FUCK MAN. DEAD PEOPLE WOULD RISE TO EAT IT.”
“No.”
And the argument was won by Whiskey. I ruminated in anger while doing yoga. Because… because that’s the point of yoga right?? Robotically flow through the movements and stew in a mixture of your anger and other people’s silent fart smells.

I met my sister at the sauna where we hung around and sweat some more until she left to shower. I hung around until two ladies came in and started rubbing coconut oil on themselves. IN THE SAUNA.

Ladies and gentlemen, there are few moments in my life that will forever be seared in my memory and this is one of them.
I swear to god, it fucking smelled like I was living inside of a freshly baked coconut cake. A COCONUT CAKE~~~~
If you don’t think that’s the sickest shit ever, you gotta leave.

This fuckin’ inspired me to think out of the box… which actually just lead to me a key lime cake. BAHHHH
By some miracle of google and clicking around like a furious woman I thought “key lime…. + batter…. no…. key lime + dough….?? dough?? doughnut? key lime + doughnut = ?????????”
And boom. There you have it folks. The inner workings of a lazy 22 year old girl.

I followed a cobbled up version of this recipe from Taste and Tell Blog along with this recipe from Foxy Folksy. (Btw, I can’t get over how cute and weird that blog name is. Why wasn’t I that clever?? Oh that’s right, because I’m lazy.)
I had to cobble the two recipes together because since I had decided to bake them… and guess what! I don’t have a doughnut pan! I surpringly don’t have very many stupid pans lying around my house. Except for my madeleine pan. I will fight u if they tell me it’s useless. it so is though

Just, uh, a word to the wise, I will be writing this exactly how I made it. I baked them because I wanted to be healthy. do no bake them because fuck baked doughnuts this was a major mistake. I’m like 99% sure you can fry them. But I’m only 99% sure because i have no idea what I’m talking about. Please don’t listen to me. Or do.
LIVE LIFE ON THE EDGE WITH ME. C’MAAAAAAAAN.

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u thought i was playin’ huh

Key Lime Doughnuts
Serves – enough. I didn’t count OKAY I AM SORRY I AM SUCH A BAD BLOGGER

Ingredients:
*1/2 warm milk
*2 cups flour
*1 tsp active dry yeast (i know so annoying. put that shit in a ziplock bag)
*1 tsbp butter
*1/3 cup sugar {if you want it sweeter i’m sure 1/2 won’t kill u}
*1 egg
*1/2 salt
*3 soup spoons Greek yogurt {I can explain!}
*1 tablespoon key lime zest
*1 tablespoon key lime juice

GLAZE
Ingredients & steps follow

1. Putz around the kitchen for a bit and brag about how you’re smart enough to put to recipes together to your mother who finds you rightfully annoying. This is an important step that will set you up perfectly for the failure you will receive later.

2. Completely ignore the instructions and start doing things your own way, cowboy. Rip open your packet of yeast with your teeth gotta practice being sexy on small foil wrappers sometimes. Scoop out only 1 tsp of it, and feel angry that there is extra. I hate extras. Grrr. leave it in your measuring spoon because you’re lazy like me. Now, take your 1/2 cup of milk and nuke it in increments of 15 seconds until that shit is warm to the touch but doesn’t burn your finger. If it’s burning, you did it wrong. Now you gotta wait and shit for it to cool off. Once it’s good, pour your yeast in there and just leave it alone.

3. Cream your little knob of butter that you fished out of the fridge, stashed in the back inside of a “flavor savor”, your clumpy sugar, and salt until it looks mixed. I hate saying “fluffy” because at what point does butter ever look soft and fluffy? Cuddly even? No, mix that shit until you’re like “yeah okay” and it looks…. airy. ughhhhhhhhhh horrible word choice i knowwww

4. Realize that you haven’t zested the stupid key limes yet, and change course to that instead. Grab like three key limes since that makes about a tablespoon, and zest those little suckers. Rip their skin off and use it in baking. Sacrifice them to the baking goddesses. Be sure when you juice them with your tiny baby hands you use a fork and kind of aimlessly poke around until juice kind of comes out.
Don’t forget to take a picture of the zest in a cup and make a lame drug joke on snapchat in hopes of the boys thinking you’re cool.
update: it doesn’t work

5. Return to your dough. Throw in your cracked egg and mix it around until it looks good.

6. Grab the greek yogurt and start dropping spoonfuls in there. Throw in the lime juice and the zest. Let it mix around until it looks like gross ass green-flecked weird milk curdles. This is apparently correct, shocking I know.

7. Grab your flour and your stinky yeasty milk and start dumping them in a little bit at a time. Start and end with flour. Or is it start and end with milk????? I KEEP FORGETTING THIS BAKING BASIC HELP.
The dough should look boogery. If your dough looks boogery, you’re good! Good job friend!

8. Ok now the fun part. ๐Ÿ˜€ Because I am positively lazy and extremely allergic to cleaning, grab a flat thing you feel okay rolling your dough out on, and make a nice little no-mess set up. If you want the nutmeg approved method, grab a dish towel and lay it out on your perfectly good granite counter top, and then place a cutting board or sheet on top of it. I usually use a thin colorful sheet.

9. Start looking all over the kitchen for said cutting sheet. Check drawer under oven. Panic. IT FUCKING FELL BEHIND THE DRAWER. Call for your mom. Mom comes over and yells. start yelling back. Fish out a large wooden spoon and try to bring the sheets closer. Drop the wooden spoon behind the drawer. Cry.

10. Find a replacement, such as I did, and flour it. Throw your booger dough on that replacement board, and knead it for like a minute or so until it’s not gross and booger-sticky. It’s gotta be a smooth ball and shit. Look at how pretty it came out, and pat yourself on the back. HELL YEAH U ROCK.
It’s a good thing you cried before you even cooked them up, because when you see your final creations you’ll have to travel to a different spot in your emotions to compensate for the crying you already did.

11. Now you gotta let it rise and shit. Normal people would just throw it in a bowl and leave it in the warmest part of their kitchen. Not me. I like to grease the original bowl lightly, because lets be real, I ain’t washing more dishes, and throw the dough back in there. Then I get a large wooden spoon and lay it across the top. Then I get every dish towel and like pile 6 of them on top of whole contraption.
This is certified from The Old Country. My vรด-vรด taught me that shit, and it fuckin’ works.
But since I’m also a bad baker because I use expired yeast, we gotta realllllllly get that yeast workin’.
SO, boil some water and get a casserole dish. Once the water has boiled fill said dish. Adjust the racks in your oven to fit both the dish and the bowl. Stick the dish on the lower rack and the bowl on the top rack.
Those buns are gonna be so fucking steamy you’ll have boys clawing at your door. ๐Ÿ˜‰
maybe only in my fanfics

12. Watch cartoons for about an hour. Don’t bother checking on your dough. With my fool-proof method that I ripped off my grandmother, that shit is gonna rise, trust me. Expired yeast and all.

13. Yank that sucker out we got some fun ass shit to do. Remove all of the towels and spoon, and stare at your dough. Give it a dirty look. Let it know you’re mad at him, then give him a fucking punch. YEAH PUNCH THAT ASSHOLE.
but only once pls

14. Throw some more flour on your lazy-manโ€™s rolling top and slap that dough down and start rolling it out. Itโ€™s gotta be like half an inch or so thick? Or some shit?? If youโ€™re real fancy like, you probably have a doughnut cutter. If you six months away from being 23 and still live at home with your parents, you will probably just end up using a series of cups and pipping tools to cut your doughnuts.
I found a portuguese brand water type glass and cut out all of the doughnuts. Then, because I have nothing small enough, I rummaged until I found my Atceo tips, flipped them so the decorating tip was up, and use those suckers to cut me holes. Aye.

15. Make sure your mother nags you, and tells you the holes are too small. Dammit woman! Leave me be! Professional baker in the making here, thank u

16. Put them rising on a floured tray in the oven with the steaming bath of water, again. This time 45 minutes. Watch more Regular Show in the mean time. Itโ€™s not so bad, considering that Mordecai and Rigby are 23, and Iโ€™m 22 and a half, right? RIGHT?????

17. Once theyโ€™ve risen here is where we will diverge. I baked my doughnuts. if you love desserts for the love of Dominique Ansel fry these mothafuckas.
If you do decide to fry them, get a big olโ€™ pot and fill half of it with oil. Heat that sucker up to 350 F degrees with your fancy pantsy oil/candy thermometer. Use a spider or a fork to yank โ€˜em out. Ainโ€™t got a fancy thermometer? Iโ€™ve read you can stick in the tip of a wooden spoon and if that shit bubbles around the spoon then you a ready to go-go!
If you dare to defy my warning and bake them, then preheat your oven to also 350 degrees and stick them in there, and bake them until theyโ€™re golden brown. But you will be sorry.

18. If you baked them like me, pull them out of the oven and haVE A FUCKING BREAK DOWN BECAUSE NOT ONLY WAS YOUR MOTHER RIGHT ABOUT THE HOLES, THEY LOOK LIKE BAGELS OH MY GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS I FOLLOWED ALL OF THE INSTRUCTIONS WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYY

19. Instead of throwing shit out, because I stand by my disgusting desserts no matter how disgusting they are, I resolved to get a thin little knife and cut out my own holes dammit.
I REFUSE TO BE DEFEATED.
If you fried them, ya know, youโ€™re probably fine. So like yeah. Good job!


GLAZE
Ingredients:
*juice of 5 key limes
*zest of those 5 key limes
*6 tablespoons powder sugar
*crush yo’ graham crackers, brah

1. So your doughnuts are chillin’ after being fried and not baked. Squeeze out the juice of your 5 lowly key limes. It doesn’t look like it’s a lot…. because it’s not. Squeeze like 3 more if you like, or be lazy and get lemon juice out of the bottle and squeeze some of that at random in a bowl. Noooooobody will really know the difference! Right???

2. Start plopping down your tablespoons of sugar, and mixing between each one so no lumps or shit happen. It’ll start to weirdly look like…………………………….. uhm. Glue. Yes. let us say glue
totally nothing like the after-product of the horizontal tango

3. Crush your graham crackers. Just pick like 3 or something. You really don’t need much. If you need more, crush more. NBD, SON.

4. Take your cooled ring-holes and dough-bracelets and dip those babies in there. Just like mush it around. Who knew dippin’ shit in some icing made you feel like a professional baker. MOVE OUT, THOMAS KELLER, THERE IS A NEW BOUCHON BAKERY IN THE MAKING.

5. Immediately after dipping, dunk that shit into the crushed graham crackers. Sprinkle some zest on there. BOOM U R DONE CONGRATS SHOVE INTO FACE-HOLE ASAP.


So like pics and stuff.

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BEHOLD THE BOOGER BATTER
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u thought i was playin’ when I said I’m lazy
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What a lil elbow grease does to that.
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This is serious business here. Hey, hundreds of years of little ol’ ladies can’t be wrong

The rooster dish towel is a nice touch. Just in case you forgot how ethnic I am.

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Water cup and all.
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That’s right. Nothing is wasted, dammit.
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SUCH POTENTIAL. WHY. IT WAS LIKE ME BEFORE I MADE THE CHOICE TO GO TO THE WRONG COLLEGE.

 

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I’m not going to say they look like buttholes. But they do.

Mine you, I then cut out the holes, and I had to insert my finger into my doughnut.
Is it okay to be sexually aroused by a doughnut? Ha ha i’m asking for a friend lmao lol
It’s the most action i’ve gotten since my trip back from the south

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The inside. Such… potential. TEARS

While the doughnuts were good, I was super angry because baking them made them too bready. They were yeasty smelling, and I’m pretty sure if I just fuckin’ fried them they wouldn’t suck taint. LKJAAEWAHDSDASDFJERHGJHASDASDFDGERKHAWIUERUIEDNVNJIEIOWEIUOREIU4
If nobody ever makes these, i ain’t gonna blame u.

Sorry I’ve taken so long to update. My internet is possessed by an internet-eating demon and we have no service. Ever. You’d think I live in the freaking woods. On a mountain.

Oh wait. I do.

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9 thoughts on “Let’s call the whole thing off?? — Key Lime Pie Doughnuts (Donuts???)

  1. Hi! I just have to say I enjoyed reading this post and I think you are funny. About the baked doughnuts, I am sure you are right about them being better fried, they are softer and more chewy (I know since I tried it once) they were great only a bit greasy (maybe I am just no good at frying) so I stick to baking them. But I think your doughnuts look great and I am now curious about making these with key lime zest. Just some little tips though ( if ever you want to bake these again ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) try to reduce the temp of your oven or the baking time, that will make them a bit more chewy and try not to get them too brown at the bottom and to cover the yeasty smell, try adding nutmeg and/or cinnamon. Hope these tips help. And thanks so much for the mention in your article!

    • Oh! Oh my gosh! I’m actually so pleased you commented back! That was kind of my whole hope behind this whole baking blog thing. ๐Ÿ˜€ You’re so sweet, and I hope it didn’t seem like I was complaining about your recipe. 99.99% of the time when a recipe fails its because I clearly did something wrong.
      I think I’ll try them again! But this time just bake up basic dougnuts. ๐Ÿ˜› I should really be trying recipes as is before I start concocting weird things together. ๐Ÿ˜›

      Thank you so much for reading my blog post! *o*

      • No worries! To tell you the truth, I also have the habit of doing the same about altering some recipes then I end up a bit confused :-p sometimes they come out good and the other times…welll…I guess we just keep on trying ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Goodluck with your baking blog and I hope we can keep in touch!

      • Thank you! I would really love that so much. ๐Ÿ™‚
        I will admit, I am very scattered-brained when I bake, so combining two recipes that doesn’t end well is no surprise by me. ๐Ÿ˜›

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