In September Drinking — Horchata

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Get it? Get it guys? Look, I’m being witty and linking my blog post name to a real song by Vampire Weekend! For those of you who don’t want to click on the link and watch a video a 22-year old linked you (can I blame you?) the song is just called Horchata, and the chorus (is it the chorus??) is “In December drinking Horchata”.
I mean if you really think about it, it’s kind of ridiculous considering according to the never wrong encyclopedia, Wikipedia, it’s a summer drink… and well it makes sense. You drink this shit cold. Trust me, it’s kinda disgusting when it’s hot. it’s sort of…. jizzy. am I allow to say that on the internet or am I going to be throw into super jail?

So when this song came out when I was the tender age of 17 and ugly as sin, I loved this fucking song. Why? No idea. I also thought they were a british band. APPARENTLY I WAS WRONG AND I ONLY FOUND LIKE LIKE 3 MONTHS AGO. Like not only is he not british, THE LEAD SINGER IS FROM NEW JERSEY ARE YOU SHITTING ME? I’M PRACTICALLY HIS NEIGHBOR.
this sort of defeats the purpose of being anonymous no?
(I secretly wish the lead, Ezra Koenig, happens upon this article and becomes my friend and we hang out in NYC together pls) (Or date me. I can date a 30 year old man no problems)

Well, back to the story, when this song came out, I listened to it on my incredibly sweet high school boyfriend’s ipod after he legally *wink wink nod nod* acquired the song.
“What the hell is ‘horchata’?”
“Fuck it if I know.” he responded. I partially blame and thank my great speaking manners on him. I ended up breaking up with him during college because I’m a bored dramatic ho.

So at the age of 17 I googled the fuck out of horchata and thought “a rice drink??????” and at that point decided that it was the most delicious sounding drink ever, and I defended it with my fucking honor.
Problem is, I’d never had horchata. Or seen it anywhere. It was my favorite (non-alcoholic, lets be real here, it’s me, i need my drank) drink without ever tasting it, and thus lived in the hazy mist mystically in my mind, forever waiting to be tasted.

This changed when I went to Nashville. (And that’s how I’m linkin’ this with the chess pie! Ta-Da!) As the resident foodie (or more like gluttonous homie) I self-nominated myself to do research on where to eat. I ended up finding this really sick taco place in East Nashville called Mas Tacos Por Favor and there on the glorious menu was Horchata. MY DREAMS WERE ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I ordered it along with one taco, one elote (spicy cheese corn) along with beans and platanos, because if there is one thing I do with eating, is I’m thorough as fuck.
I balanced all of my shit over to the table, and the first thing I tried was the horchata and it was magical bless.
I would show you the picture of my face taking the first sip but here’s why not:

  1. i’m ugly and nobody needs to see that
  2. i’m still trying to be anonymous here. trying. work with me.

SO THIS BRINGS US BACK TO HORCHATA BEING MADE AT HOME.
The one I had there was so fucking delicious, I had to recreate it at home.
Little did I know, my good friends, that I would be embarking on a ridiculous two day adventure that drove me insane.

I had no idea how to even begin horchata, and so I trolled pinterest. I clicked around a couple of times with no rhyme or reason and just decided to pick this recipe from Nosh On.it because it seemed scientific and shit. I mean this chick made four batches! Whaaaaat? I’m too lazy for that nonsense. Thanks for doing it for me. ❤

this takes two days to complete. do not attempt unless you are okay with drinking this the next day. seriously.


Mexican Horchata
Serves 4-8 if you listen to the recipe

Ingredients
*1/3 cup rice, medium or long-grain works here {I used masoori/sona masuri}
*1 cup of whole almonds {yes…. that many… so expensive… :'(}
*1 cinnamon stick
*3 cups of hot water
*2 cups cold water
*some sweetener u like whatev

1. Slink around in the cover of shadows in your house, because you’re deciding to start preparing this at about 1am, because you’re 22 and ain’t got shit to do. When you measure out your cup of almonds, make sure you don’t cry a little when you realize how expensive this drink is just based on almond weight alone. If your almonds have the skins on it, boy do I feel bad for you, because this shit is gonna suck. If you have skinned almonds go to step 4, ya fancy pants.

2. Grab a pot of water and fill it until it feels about right. Whatever that is for you. Bring that sucker to a rolling boil and fill a bowl up with ice and water; keep that next to you. Throw your whole cup of almonds in this boiling pot and let it boil for exactly one minute. Not sure what happens if you go over, maybe they turn mushy? Either way, scoop them out in any method you like, such as straining them through a colander, or being exciting and using a spider, because FUCK IT WHY NOT IT’S 1:30AM AT THIS POINT. Throw your hot almonds in the cold water and the ice will melt.

3. Now comes the fun part. Take each almond individually and squeeze at them a bit until they tear their their skins and come out freshly birthed and absolved of sin in this cruel and corrupt world. Or you know, if you’re less cynical, the skins kind of pop off like lupin beans, or as I know them, tremoços. {Which are by the way freaking delicious with beer and i will fight u if you say peanuts are better}. Once their skins are popped off, lay them down to try for a bit, because they’ve had a long day being birthed.

4. Get out a frying pan, and wait until it warms up a bit. Throw your naked almonds onto the pan, and keep them toasting on low until they develop dark spots on them. I think it means it will impart a deeper flavor and is totally not burned at all. Yup. Not burned.

5. Pull out your blender, or spice grinder if you’re a fancy-pants, and throw your rice in there. The recipe says long grain, but I’ve read you can use medium grain also. The kinda rice I’m using is masoori, which apparently is less starchy? Not sure if that makes any lick of difference…. but hey! throwing it in there for science.
so pulverize the shit out of this rice like it did something bad to you. It broke your heart and changed the netflix password so you’re neither getting laid or watching tv shows. Show that rice how mad you are. Pulverize it until you can’t even recognize it because it’s so fine and powdery. That’s when you know you’re done.

6. Pull out two large 3-cup mason jars or bowls or whatever you want and separate the rice equally into the two. Divide your almonds between the two jars. Break your cinnamon stick with your teeth. No need to be grossed out here, you’re drinking it for yourself. Plus, those sticks don’t break with scissors, I tried, okay?? It was like 2:something am at that point. I wanna see you normal functioning adults do better. It takes the skill of a truly lazy 22 year old with a sleeping problem to properly execute anything at this hour. Only months of clubbing can prepare you for this.

7. Now boil water in a kettle and divide the three cups of boiled water into 1 1/2 for each jar and pour it in. It’ll smell fucking weird, but u good. Just let them cool off and then close off the lids. You’re gonna look at them and be like “nutmeg why u make me use two jars when everything fits in one.” you shall see my friend, you shall see.

THE NEXT DAY

1. Take your jars and spill the weird science experiment stuff into a blender. No like an actual blender or food processor. If you don’t have this, I’m super sorry because u fucked. throw in 2 cups more of cold tap water and blend that shit. Keep blending it for like 4 minutes when you’re 10000000% sure all of that crap is mashed up.

2. WELCOME TO HELL NOW FRIENDS. You can strain this mixture through triple lined cheesecloth over a strainer and do it only like once, OR if you’re like me and do not have any cheesecloth lying around because your mother is afraid of cheese then you can do it my method. Just know you will be covered in horchata up to yo’ fuckin’ elbows.

3. Pull out a big sieve and get two glass bowls of similar size. Place the metal sieve over the jar with the widest mouth and start pouring slowly into one jar. You’ll see the chucks settling in the sieve. Take a spoon or whatever and press this mixture to extract the most amount of liquid you possible can. Once you’ve finished that small portion, scoop the crap out into one of the glass bowls. Go back to your jar and strain more mixture. Keep repeating until all of the horchata is squarely in one jar. Start bitching because you have horchata fucking everywhere.

4. Wash your metal sieve so you don’t have extra shit flying into the next jar. Put your sieve on the clean glass bowl and pour from your glass jar, once again straining the shit in portions and scooping out the waste into the waste bowl. Rinse out your just emptied glass and get a fuckin’ funnel and re-fill a jar with the twice-strained mixture.

5. Look at your horchata. Take a little sip. Is there still gritty shit in your sip? You don fucked up and you ain’t done. Rinse your bowl AGAIN so you can start straining and start ignoring your Vampire Weekend music because now you’re fuckin’ pissed because oh my god why do i have to strain this so many times it’s all over the counter and my arms

6. After the third fuckin’ strain, wash the complete opposite glass jar to be sure there is NOTHING in it. No grit NOTHING because then you will have wasted all of your precious time that could have been spent on eating chess pie. Pour your TRIPLE strained horchata into the clean glass jar.

7. Now if you wanna get yo’ drank on, get yourself a glass, fill that sucker up with lots of ice, pour your drink over it, and sweeten it with agave syrup so you feel extra ethnic and shit. If you wanna nutmeg-ify it, throw a little rum in it for the big kids. 😉 A little rum never hurt nobody.

8. PLEASE REFRIGERATE THIS. I AM DUMB AND DIDN’T REALIZE THAT A NON-DAIRY DRINK WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE LEFT IN A COLD PLACE SO MY HORCHATA FUCKING FERMENTED IN THE NOT DELICIOUS WAY. I was trying to impress my friend whom I made the cheesecake for with some and as I was tasting it to see if I added enough sugar I realized it was fucking RANCID. AND I COULDN’T TELL.
Learn from me friends. I make mistakes so you don’t have to.

P.S. Don’t drink this shit hot. It’s fuckin’ weird, texturally that is. it tastes like the finished product of a blowjob


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the worst thing about this whole process is those flaccid almond skins
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glaaaaamor shot of probably burnt almonds YEAH

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I got myself the idea that I should do a “night before shot” and a “next day” so you can see the difference between the two.

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The night before~~
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The next day~~~

….looks exacting the fuckin’ same. SIGH

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WELCOME TO HELL IF YOU HATE CLEANING AND YOU’RE AS LAZY AS ME

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY PUT THIS SHIT IN THE FRIDGE WHEN YOU’RE DONE DRINKING IT FOR THE DAY.
Apparently I was too stupid to realize that almonds, oh I don’t know, GO FUCKING RANCID. Ha-ha! Silly me! Oh boy just a whole cup of almonds in the trash! Golly gee, so glad I have ALMONDS TO SPARE ALL THE TIME.

…sorry. Phew, let me catch my breath here. I miiiiiiiiiiiight just be a little ticked off at myself. just a smidgen i swear because I totally love it when my baked goods go in the trash. 😥

Next time I’ll just stick rum in it because logical dictates that liquor never goes bad so liquor + drink = NEVER EXPIRES
And, ya know, if it ferments again, well, I at least already have the rum in in.


Big news! I am taking a graduate studies program at NYU everybody! In restaurateuring! Whoop whoop! I gotta drink some wine and bake! Or….. bake something with wine yes. YESSSSS.
So uh, be on the lookout for that.
if i don’t drink all of the wine by myself first

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7 thoughts on “In September Drinking — Horchata

    • Oh my gosh! I’m both equal parts embarrassed and ecstatic that you read my ridiculous blog post. 😛 I actually loved yours so much, because it felt like I was reading cook’s illustrated with how scientific and detailed it was.
      Let me tell you, if I had the mind of a mad scientist, I’d wanna bake just like you did. 😛 Except I’m too lazy. 😉 So thank you again for your horchata work. It was freaking delicious.

      • I’ll check it out for sursies. I gotta make it again soon. Once again, boyfriend lived in Texas. His last girlfriend was mexican (-_- because all exes are such sore subjects) and he loves mexican food, very much to my chagrin! D: It’s one of my least favorite cuisines!
        but horchata? Always an exception. ❤

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