I like it (almost) raw, baby — Strawberry-Blueberry Raw Vegan Cheesecake

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So I went out drinking last saturday. (Is this ever a surprise anymore??) But this time I went out to NYC with Whiskey! I haven’t really gone out too much in NYC, and this was also the first time we went out together as sisters. Aaaand it was fun! Except not really, because it was kind of hard for me to get my honey hunting game on with my sister and all of her friends watching me make out with strangers, no less.

(okay okay at the time of posting this it was two saturdays ago. I am going to blame it on my grad homework. yes.)

Let me tell you, for somebody who was the fuckin’ grenade like two weeks ago where boys would like cringe at the sight of me and cry blood, I was prrrrre-taaay popular on saturday.
I mean, don’t get excited for me. They were all total weirdos. but hot weirdos YEAHHHHHHH!
So I’ll never talk to any of them again. Like always. Plus, most of them were ON VACATION FROM FAR AWAY LANDS. WTF. IN SEPTEMBER? Please don’t do this to me, hot boys! I need my local american boys here. I WANT TO BE TAKEN ON DATES DAMMIT. If your asses are going home in like 10 days, this shit ain’t gonna work out!
I mean, fuck. I can’t even get boys who live 20 minutes from me to take me out on dates.
I met like several dudes, all of them foreign and vacationing, and made out with half of them, including one guy outside while I was eating a sandwich who kissed me out of nowhere, and then turned around and kissed a man sooooooo…. Yes! I am hot enough to attract people on the sexuality spectrum!

Before all of the crazy shenanigans of bouncers not letting us in and losing each other, I was sitting at home on a saturday afternoon, bored out of my brains. Friday I didn’t do jack shit except eat pizza and drink hipster beer while taking snaps of myself and running them through filters before sending it to boys.
(spoiler alert: no amount of fancy angling and filters will ever get the attention of the boys you have rebuffed but still pine over. Secretly.)

I had told Whiskey about wanting to try a vegan dessert for fun just to see what it was like. See if it was harder to bake or not. I keep toying with the idea of eating less meat since I’m like actually kind of conflicted on it. But I still love how delicious it is, so like BAHH. 😥 But desserts? I’ve had virtually vegan most things like cupcakes and ice creams, cakes, cookies, and so forth but I’d never had vegan cheesecake.
One day before class, we walked into this new juice bar, and ordered a smoothie juice thing for the two of us. The store had free samples of vegan CHEESECAKE, and I was like WAIT HOLD THE PHONE MUST EAT.
And I gobbled down a small piece of blueberry cheesecake that was DIVINE.

I’m telling you, it was so fucking good that if anybody told me to pick between the vegan cheesecake and a regular one, I would pick the vegan one hands down i will fight u with my squid arms.

So, whiskey did the work of pinning two vegan cheesecakes for me, but I didn’t really have the ingredients for any of them….. soooo instead of I dunno, macgyvering everything like I’m wont to do, I’ll follow a recipe instead.
And then change shit anyway.

The recipe I ended up following is from Deliciously Ella.
Note: This cheesecake is done in three parts. It also TAKES TWO DAYS OK GUYS SO YEAH
This recipe is KIND OF SORT OF ALL RAW. But not exactly. Because I broke the cardinal rules by using agave nectar. The original recipe calls for maple syrup, and if you wanna follow that so you have a totally raw cheesecake, please do. Whiskey is diabetic, so it’s like do I be an asshole (like I always am) and bake something she can’t exactly eat (like I always do because I’m the okayest sister) OR do I change the recipe so both me and my sister can eat it?
I’m the good sister and changed the recipe.
*angelic music plays*
*a halo forms over my head*
*i ascend into the heavens*

Serves: 10 {according to website. According to me serves: me}

*1 & 1/2 cup almonds {skins and all}
*2 & 1/2 cups medjool dates {Like 18 fuckin’ dates}

*2 cups of soaked cashews
*2 frozen overly ripped bananas
*1/3 ~ 1/2 cup agave nectar depending how sweet ya want it
*1/3 cup of unsweetened almond milk
*1 tsp cinnamon

*1/2 cup frozen blueberries
*1 cup frozen strawberries
*4 more fuckin’ dates
*1 tbsp agave nectar
*1 tsp cinnamon

1. Grab your tub of cashews that you just happen to have laying around in the garage for no reason and measure out two cups in a bowl. Pour water over it until it covers it. Is this correct? No idea. I couldn’t find any links or instruction anywhere about how much water to soak the freaking cashews in.
Is there like a coalition of vegan bakers? One that doesn’t tell me the finer points of baking, such as how much water to soak your nuts in?? Am I denied entry because they can smell the fake vegan promise on me?????? C’mon guys. help a sista out.

2. PEEL YOUR BANANAS (all three) and freeze them. this comes to bite me back in the ass later

1. Wake up in the morning after you’ve drunkingly made out with 6 strangers and wipe the orange lipstick off from last night on your arm. Your extremely large Winnie-the-Pooh bear judges you.
Leave all of your makeup on and down a glass of water. We’re gonna be hungover baking, ladies.

2. Hunt for the food processor that your father hid in the maze of the garage all while cursing and shouting because damn life is hard when you’re 22 and hungover and living at home, amirite? Once found, set that sucker up. If you don’t have a food processor, you’re gonna have a bad time. Maybe a blender would work in a pinch, but basically u fucked.

3. Drop all of your almonds in the processor, skin and all. If u wanna be a little bitch, you can go through the process of peeling them, or just get skinless. However, I think the dark skins make it look like a real flour & butter crust.
Halve all of your dates and remove the seeds. Start panicking when you see that OH MY GOD I REALLY DO NEED LIKE 18 DATES THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
Process them all together until you get this weird brown sticky almost paste-like thing. Don’t over process it because then you’ll get like almond-date butter and that ain’t no crust, son.

4. Press the crust into your springform pan as best as you can. Don’t even bother using a cup to push that shit in like you do with normal butter and flour crusts. The dates will stick to everything. Punch that fucker like it cheated on you. Punch it until your knuckles turn red. Then take pictures of your knuckles thinking it’ll be hilarious to my 30 followers until I look at the picture and realize that none of my followers will want to look at crusty-ass white hands with chipped nail polish.

5. Once it’s properly punched into an even and leveled place, pop that sucker in the freezer. Wash your shit out and let’s move on.

~~~Middle Layer~~~

6. Start grabbing at your cashews and wonder if they’re like rotten or some shit. Because I left mine soaking for too long, the water turned brown.
Brown. Brown water was engulfing my cashews. Also, I’m pretty sure like some of those suckers fuckin’ took sprout. Also they are SO BIG AND FAT WOW. They like sucked up that water like a luxurious bath mat.
Just grab them by the fistful and throw them in your processor. I didn’t use any of the water because damn that shit is nasty. If any of you guys are vegan bakers and I made a mistake please forgive me. I am nothing but a sinner.

7. Hydrate yourself because you’re hungover, and you’re gonna need the water so you can panic soon.

8. Grab two of your bananas out of the fridge. If you headed my instructions your bananas are beautiful and nude. If you’re me, you’re bananas are still in their spotted suits and you’re gonna have a shit ass time. ❤
In my house, when we buy bananas, nobody eats them. They sit in a fruit bowl to rot for days. My mother doesn’t refrigerate fruit ever. She likes the appeal of real fruit, because she believes she’s too fancy for fake fruit.
Well jokes on you mom, the real fancy people buy expensive wax fruit AND they don’t have fruit flies all over the house! Amazing!
So if your bananas are peeled, smarty pants, then you can just chop them roughly and dump them in the processor. If you’re me, you can HACK YOUR BANANAS IN HALF AND PEEL THEM WITH A KNIFE. Like an apple. And then stab at one because you’re angry and probably should go to a therapist.

9. Pour in your measurement of agave/maple syrup. Then read the instructions and think HO SHIT I DON’T HAVE APPLE JUICE. Pace around the kitchen for a few minutes, until you ransack the fridge. Grab the almond milk because you literally have nothing else that’s vegan or raw in the house. Pour it in in place of apple juice, and pretend like nothing happened. Cinnamon goes in there too.

10. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH. Put your processor on and let that baby whirl. Reign in the urge to cry as you watch your processor just make chunky cashew garbage. Don’t be like me. Wait a bit before the tears flow out and your heart starts jumping out your chest. it WILL become creamy. I promise..
Let me tell you, these instructions need to come with more clarity. Like I need somebody to hold my hand and be like “look u lil bitch u gonna be fine. give it like 5 actual minutes in the processor. not 30 seconds like you do with everything else. 5 solid minutes and ur prayers will be answered.”

11. Fetch your almond-date crust and pour about 2/3 of your batter in there. Don’t know how much 2/3 is? Well you’re fucked, because I don’t know either.
Just keep pouring until it feels right. “Hrm, yeah this looks good” kinda right. Leave the rest in the processor.
Freeze what you have for at least 20 minutes.

~~~Top Layer~~~

12. Your mom shows up with Portuguese choriço bread. Shove it down your throat, and avoid questions. Don’t let your mom know you’re secretly a party girl and working on becoming an international ho liaison to foreign boys.
Ain’t no shame in da game, ladies.

13. As you eat your bread, watch your 4th grade educated immigrant father try to make wine out of regular red grapes in a juicer. Pro tip: This does not work.

14. Disregard your father, and make sure you don’t get grape shit all up in yourself.

15. Grab your frostbitten strawberries and throw them in there.
What! They’re organic! Sheesh.

16. The original recipe called for freezing your own blueberries since the packaged frozen ones apparently have too much water. I believe Ella, but I’m too fuckin’ lazy for that. My solution? less packaged frozen blueberries. CRISIS SOLVED. Maybe.

17. Take your other unpeeled frozen banana and start peeling it. You’re a pro at this now. You can fix all of your mistakes because you’re constantly making mistakes without the aid of alcohol and you’re wondering if this is was 22 really is about.
Cut up 4 more medjool dates and be sure to not get your tears in the batter as you rack up to your like 100th date. Pour in your agave/sugar poison of choice and your cinnamon. Let that baby rip! (meaning turn it on. Let it process. bruum bruum)

18. As everything starts to process something magical will happen. It’s like looking through the eyes of a child on a gift-giving holiday moment (trying to be P.C. here) and they finally got their most expensive present.
That. That is the feeling I got as the berries pureed and shit and TURNED EVERYTHING PURPLE OH MY GOD HOW EXCITING YES MY SECOND FAVORITE COLOR.

19. Pull out your frozen half done cheesecake. Wiggle it a bit. Does it look stiff? Good! Pour your purple batter on top. Does it jiggle? Wait a bit. Or be impatient like me and pour that shit over it. Trust me, u be fine. Freeze it for at least 2 hours. I froze mine overnight because my ma insisted I save it for our guests the next day. Yes, I am 22.

Final verdict? Everybody loved the shit out of it. I even converted non-believers and the naysayers (my mother) into eating my first vegan raw cheesecake. My only issue is, that it has to be served from the freezer, so like ice cream, you’re always chasing that elusive perfect tempt and texture that exists only in the space and vacuum of your mind.

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Vegan magic
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But like nah for real guys, my cashews grew sprouts. What is this tomfoolery? wtf is this shit
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recipe wanted overripe, well i’ll give you overripe
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I’m stupidly prouder than I should be. This is what happens when you’re a simple minded indolent 22 year old.
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THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DESSERT I HAVE EVER MADE. I DON’T KNOW IF I AM PROUD OR SAD. i have no feelings and am emotionally dead on the inside.
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I was going to make this my cover, but then i realized i did a horrible job cutting, and i am a bad photographer and life is meaningless.
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By the way, this is a crucial optional step. Make sure you take your frozen blueberries that have stained your hands, and rub them all over the largest knife you have. Take pictures of your hand and caption it with “help” and send it to your friends. Say nothing else. Let the good times roll, baby.

2 thoughts on “I like it (almost) raw, baby — Strawberry-Blueberry Raw Vegan Cheesecake

  1. Very good. Weird hot is my favourite hot!
    Nice cheesecake… I might even make it, which is a fairly big call for me (and quite possibly won’t happen) as I don’t often venture into the realm of sweet things 🙂

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