Halloween candy that doesn’t suck — Homemade Twix Nuggets

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I have a major confession for you all. Your resident mediocre baker and sweet-tooth enthusiast hates candy. Yes! This is wholly true! I actually hate candy. There’s just something about that fake-ass gross milk-chocolate-everything sticks-in-your-teeth-forever thing that just does not appeal to me. Even as a child, yes I was the child that hated candy (you can certainly imagine how popular I was), I could just tell that mass produced candies were tasteless and inferior.


I would go trick-or-treating purely for the sport of it. I love being dressed up, because even to this day, I like to pretend that I am just a main character in a very boring film of my life that even I don’t want to watch. I’d collect candies from strangers and wriggle through the bags just to retrieve the Milk Ways {midnight only}, Crunch Bars, Smarties (no, not the rainbow chocolate ones) which are basically children’s crack. No seriously, you can like grind them to a powder and lick them off tables. Not that… I did that, of course.

All of the other candies in my haul would be sacrificed to my sister as a peace offering for another year.

So wait, if Twix were never part of my pre-sister sacrifice haul, why am I making them? A few reasons. I’ve actually never eaten a Twix.
you heard me correctly, I have never eaten a Twix. Aaaaand, I still havent’. at least not a commercially made one. I erroneously thought that Twix were made with peanut butter, which I also hate.
I knowwwww, I’m just the worst. I don’t even want to hang out with myself.
I was originally looking for chocolate coated candies to make for Halloween (read: me) and looked through Better Homes & Gardens which had a recipe for a “cookie caramel bar”. Since BH&G has always fucked me over with recipes (maybe they’re bad, maybe I’m dumb, maybe it’s both) I never trust them and search for a replacement. I kept googling “chocolate caramel cookie bar” and nothing came up. It wasn’t until like 2 days ago when I was scrolling through my facebook feed and Refinery29 posted a recipe for the delicious “homemade twix cookie caramel bar” or some shit like that.

WHOA. Now that blew my mind.
That’s what a fucking twix has been this whole time???? Shortbread cookie with caramel and chocolate? HOW HAVE I NEVER EATEN THIS BEFORE.
Being the glutton adventurous eater that I am, I needed to fuckin’ make these, even with nothing to compare them to.

I poked around Pinterest for a bit until I found Yammie’s Noshery. I’ve read like a billion good things about this blog, but never read it before, so hey let’s fuckin’ do it.
My only big concern was that since I’ve never actually eaten a Twix, I wanted the real whole experience and make them into bars and dip them instead of cutting them into brownie-like squares.
Except…. As everything I’m wont to make, it fails miserably.

Since I like to poke around blogs and read their “about me” sections so I can know who I’m reading, I immediately grew an intense sense of dread because OH MY GOD THAT BLOGGER IS 21 AND HAS BEAUTIFUL PICTURES AND IS BEAUTIFUL AND LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER AND HERE I AM BASICALLY 23 IN MY PANITES BLOGGING AT 3 IN THE MORNING BECAUSE LINEAR TIME IS FUNCTIONALLY MEANINLESS IN MY LIFE.
and she started her blog at 18 i am so woefully behind i’m still swimming through the primordial soup

Also I am such a bad blogger, I didn’t have time to put this up between buying fake tattoos and a wig for my costume, classes, and getting dressed up and drunk enough to sext two boys at the same time on Halloween after making out with a stranger.
Now don’t you guys judge me. I just say the things other people my age do, but don’t admit because they’re ashamed. Ain’t no shame in da game guys. I have some great memories to make that will one day become awkward stories to my grandkids.


Homemade Twix Bars
Serves: Me & I guess other people, fine

Ingredients:
Shortbread Cookie
*1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter
*1/4 cup sugar
*1 cup flour

Caramel
*3/4 cup sugar
*3 tbsp corn syrup {light if ya wanna like be healthy or something}
*4 tbsp butter
*3 tbsp heavy cream
*1/4 tsp sea salt or kosher or whatever fancy shit you like
*1/4 tsp vanilla

Chocolate
*1 cup chopped chocolate b/c chips are for playas who don’t know da game

COOKIE
1. Preheat your oven to 300F. Pull out your stand mixer and cream 6 tbsps of the butter along with all of the sugar until that shit is like white-ish yellow. Dramatically throw your flour into the bowl for flair. Get the other 2 tbsps (or whatever is left of your butter because i can’t do math) and cut them into cubes. Cut that shit in with your pastry blender or use your fingers if you’re fancy and have to prove a point. A nice crumbly dough forms out of this. Feel accomplished and pat yourself on the back, my friend.

1 1/5. (optional) BUTTER THE FUCKING PAN OR BEWARE. I AM SERIOUS. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, I MAKE THEM SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

2. Frantically go through your house searching for an 8×8 pan, and collapse on the ground in anguish as you’ve realized you didn’t make enough dough and won’t make anymore because reasons. Begrudgingly accept your fate and pull out your 9×13 pan. Press your dough into it with your fingertips and realize that your cookies are going to be thin god why did you punish me? what did I ever do wrong? surely other girls sext more than one boy at the same time, and men play with the hearts of girls, what have i done???

3. Bake your cookie into the oven and hope that your sins are baked out and you are absolved.
Spoiler: you’re still going to eternal damnation. We might as well become friends.
At some point it will get golden brown after about like 10-15 minutes in my oven. The original recipe calls for 30. Your call, comrade.

CARAMEL
1. Get out your candy thermometer because we profesh as fuck. Show them who’s boss. Pour your sugar and corn syrup into a light colored pot. You can totally make caramel in a non-stick, but I think I’ve once read it in a blog or heard it in a dream or some shit, that it’s hard to tell of the caramel has browned if it’s in a non-stick, so fuck it and use that metal pot for once. Turn the heat on and just kind of stir at it a bit and pretend like you know what you’re doing. It’s how I fake being a competent adult.

2. At some point shit is gonna start bubbling. This is the time to take pictures while you’re stirring and uploading it to snapchat in hopes of all of your crushes that happen to be both active on the app and not viewing your pictures can stop pretending to be busy (read: ignoring you) and look at them. I mean, I ain’t uploading them for my own health, fellas. Get on it.
Make sure while this is happening you don’t slightly burn the caramel, and then stir at it furiously and pretend like it never happened like that one time that sound that came from you in public that was totally your stomach and so not your ass.

3. Once your sugar water starts to get golden brown and like over 300 degrees just throw some butter in there. Stir that shit around. Pour in the vanilla and the sea salt. Move the fuck over Martha, there is a new Candy fuckin’ Queen in this town.

4. Pour all of your caramel onto the cooled off cookie. DO IT QUICKLY I REPEAT DO IT QUICKLY STOP UPLOADING SNAPS TO YOUR STORY I AM SERIOUS OR THIS SHIT WILL GO HARDER THAN EXPOSED PRESIDENTIAL SEX SCANDALS.
Pour that mo’fucka out and let it harden for like 20 minutes in the fridge or whatever is chill with u bro.

ASSEMBLY & CHOCOLATE
Just as like an aside and shit, I did this whole part the next day. You don’t need the caramel to set in the fridge for that long. The overwhelming dread of having to clean up after myself always stops me from being productive.
Beeteedubs I turned to perfect David Lebovitz to help me temper chocolate because lol i think i can do fancy shit lol

1. The most important step is to reflect on your life and realize you are stubborn and this is both a blessing and never a curse fuck u i am fab. This is important later when you realize the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry and shit sucks son.

2. Get out two misshapen pots because I ain’t fancy enough to have a double boiler (but own a candy thermometer) and fill one with water and place the other one over it. Grab your chocolate (I chose unsweetened and bitter sweet because I think I’m sophisticated) and just break it into chunks and let it melt until the temp reaches 115-120F.

3. Once it’s around there, remove the pot or bowl you used on top, and WIPE IT DOWN OR ELSE IT WILL TAKE FOREVER TO COOL OFF. It took me like legit over half an hour just for the temperature to go down to 80F. David Lebovitz says to drop in a small chunk of already tempered chocolate so that the good “beta crystals” can perform some necromancy and make your chocolate forever young, shiny and beautiful by only selling their soul to a painting.
…Maybe I paraphrased that.
I didn’t do it, but my chocolate bloomed so uh yeah

4. While your shit is cooling off, retrieve your caramel enrobed cookie sheet and either try to cut it into squares (spoiler: it won’t work) OR do as I did, and just furiously stab at it with a knife until you chipped off hideous shapes and started to cry until you realize if you just say they’re homemade twix nuggets suddenly you’re a fuckin’ baking goddess.
If your popularity increases after this recipe, I want you to know I only accept compensation in blank checks and chocolatines.

5. Bring your chocolate back up to 88-91, always toying with the temps making sure what you dip stays in that range or else your chocolate will look like shit after it blooms and that ain’t cool. Start gently dropping a chunk in and rolling it around, plucking off any wayward crumbs that fuck with your aesthetic. Don’t let that fuckin’ cookie control you.
Repeat for every cookie, always raising and lowering the temperature to that special sweet spot. If you wanna make it look like you know what you’re doing, sprinkle some sea salt right on top of your chocolate while it’s still wet. Sea salt on homemade desserts screams “I’m better than you” in the most non-threatening and covert way possible, which is how I subtly remind my enemies I’m still alive and beautiful.

Note: be sure to put your chocolates on parchment or a silpat. I did not do this and all of my chocolate got stuck to the fuckin’ pan and it couldn’t be saved.

6. Take snaps of your chocolates and humblebrag online because while people are off doing stupid things getting their masters and falling in love, you are at home with your baking tools, waiting and perfecting yourself for a pintrest perfect life.


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Gimme dat buttery magic
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I ruminated for a long time how to make this photo into a joke. I can’t. It’s perfect just the way it is, in all of it’s dong-tacular goodness.
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I just have a thing for butter forgive me
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I like my caramel like I like my men: rich, scalding hot and buttery. Wait were we talking about men?
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This picture is a manifestation of myself. I’m crummy and so are my desserts
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The only of my nuggets with no bloom bless

 

If your chocolates bloom do not fear. Your friends and family will have no idea what happened considering they’re probably not gluttons like you and eat old hot chocolate from the glove compartment in your car. Not that I ever do that of course. They’ll just think you’ve swirled it or some shit. Run with it my friends. Never can you blatantly lie to your friends’ faces and probably never be fucking caught.

Don’t let that power get to your head. Trust me, it’s hard to go back.

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