If it’s French, it’s fancy — Creme Brulee Crepe Cake

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HAPPY MERRY HOLIDAYS FRIENDS!
I know I have been a lame ass blogger by not updating and crap, but I had a lot happen to me over the course of these few weeks. Bare with me friends, I’ve finished my semester of my post-undergrad nonsense, had my heart finally broken by that one guy, shamelessly joined tinder and have probably been felt up by too many boys BUT HEY LETS CELEBRATE THAT WITH SOMETHING CHRISTMASSY/HOLIDAY-LIKE AND JOYOUS.


I honestly can’t even tell you what possessed me to make a creme brulee cake. Normally I walk you through the steps of my odd and strange thought process, while dutifully boring you with my uninteresting life, but not this time friends, because I have no idea why I picked this dessert idea.
Let’s chalk it up to me feeling like I need to remind myself that not only am I on #teamhoe but also #teamclass.

After trolling pinterest forever (read: 3 seconds), I found this beautiful fucking cake by The Baker Chick. I mean click on the link and load it up and marvel over how uncomfortably beautiful it is.
NO WAIT SCRATCH THAT. Don’t look at it. I don’t need the comparison. That cake is like the CEO of a fashion company that models its clothes at fashion week, and my cake is the falafel cart outside.

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Just for funsies information, I am a francophile but cannot speak any french. None. Don’t ask me to count, because I can only get to three. HOWEVER, I did try to teach myself french, and the only important words I ever learned were “je veux manger”. Go ahead. Put that in google translate.
it means “i want to eat”.
I can also very poorly sing Sympathique by Pink Martini in my best french accent while lying explaining to boys that I understand what it means. So there you go. Clearly I’m super qualified to bake french shit.

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Well, let’s get this fuckin’ ride goin’ guys. Oh, btw, I almost followed the recipe completely! Wow guys, I’m seriously becoming mature and growing in skills lolololoololl


Ingredients
Pastry creme filling:
*1 egg
*1 tbsp all-purpose flour
*2 tbsp sugar
*2 tbsp cornstarch {plus some because your shit might be runny like mine}
*1 cup milk
*1 tsp vanilla extract {don’t use that cheap vanillian. I’m watching you. you’re getting faux chocolate for christmas}
*1 tsp hottest tap water

1. Grab your nearest preferably glass or heat-proof bowl, and in an unholy union, whisk the egg, flour, sugar and cornstarch. It’s gonna look…………. maybe less than desirable to most people unless you’re #teamhoe like me.

2. Get your nicest dessert pot (yes, I have pots I use just for desserts. When you cook food with as much garlic as we do, everything fuckin’ smells. hashtag ethnic girl problems) Pour your milk into it, and heat it up until it’s just about boiling (so a simmer?).

3. Take that hot milk, and slowly pour that shit into your egg mixture with one hand, while furiously whisking with the other. Hope you didn’t pick the pot with the heaviest bottom! Because lemme guess, YOU DID! JUST LIKE ME! Well, flex your muscles, ladies, because you’re gonna be SO RIPPED* after doing this. Trust me, I’m a french pastry doctor. πŸ‘Œ

4. Assuming you didn’t get scrambled eggs, return all of this shit back into your heavy bottomed dessert pot and whisk da fuck outta this thing for like 5 minutes…. or until your arm is tired, because wtf, how ripped are these pastry chefs? For real. I’m too busy being a moderately chubby fun-employed 22 year old to have ripped arms THANK YOU.
Apparently this shit is supposed to be “bubbly lava”. I always get confused with these expressions in baking, because I’ve only ever been to Hawaii once, and I didn’t see lava, so lemme tell you, as a girl who lives on the east coast of america, I ain’t got any idea what lava really looks like. Thick bubbly shit??
Well, mine didn’t look thick or bubbly. It was sort of thin and runny, which is really disappointing in a man so I had to thicken that sucker up. Slowly add more cornstarch if your pastry cream was full of runny lies. Don’t add too much, or you’re going to get the chunky shit mess I made that strangely resembles my life currently.

5. Remove your pot from the heat and add your vanilla and hottest tap water until it’s less thick?? I guess??

6. Here is where the recipe says to refrigerate until cool. If you’re me, and live at home with your parents, your kitchen fridge is probably packed with food in various stages of rot and almond milk. I encourage you cold-weathered friends to just straight up throw your pot of pastry cream outside. Yeah, that’s right. Straight up in the snow. Leave that fucker there for at least an hour. Or as long as it takes you to make the crepes.

*Ripped meaning tired, crabby and annoyed that nature would require humans to have to whisk eggs so they don’t cook.

~~~

Crepe Batter:
*6 tbsp butter, melted
*3 cups milk
*6 eggs
*1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
*7 tbsp sugar
*fat pinch of salt

1. Original recipe says to heat the milk until steaming. I say fuck that noise and nuke it in the microwave in spurts of 15 seconds until that shit be steamin’ like my next hottest mix tape that I’m abbouta drop.

2. Oh right, also melt the butter if you haven’t already. Microwave is your friend.

3. Get out your stand mixer, because you’re not a real pastry chef to be doing this nonsense by hand. Unless you want to. Good 4 u. I ain’t here to hate on your life. u do u.
Put that sucker (or arm) on low speed and whisk together the eggs, flour, sugar and pinch of salt. Don’t be afraid to salt desserts, because SURPRISE EVERYTHING IS MORE DELICIOUS WITH MORE SALT. Took me a solid 20 years to figure that one out, thank you salted dark chocolate. 😘

4. Add the melted butter and milk in for funsies.

5. Drop that shit straight up outside in the snow next to your pastry cream. You’ll probably notice that the residual heat from the cooking has literally melted the snow around the pot and holy shit science and nature is amazing boom-de-ya-dah.

6. After at least an hour has passed (or follow my prefered method of time telling, one hour being equal to 2 Parks & Recs episodes) your stuff should be solid. Totally disregard the advice passed unto us from not only The Baker Chick, but dozens of pastry chefs over the centuries. Lets be real, we’re just baking for ourselves to eat at 2 am in our panties. Crying is optional.
Make sure you bring that sucker inside so it gets to room temp-ish.

7. The Baker Chick says to get parchment paper and do it so you can stack them. I’m too lazy and just got out baking sheets and just overlapped the crepes on each other. Psh, ain’t no soggy crepe that’s gonna ruin my day.

8. Heat up a non-stick pan, and butter the fuck out of it anyway. Trust me, you need this shit slippery smooth. The original recipe calls for 3 tablespoons of batter. I say, you eyeball the shit out of it, and remember the only important rule of crepes KEEP THAT SUCKER THIN. I get a little too pour happy and they start coming out too thick in the middle (just like my body shape) and then nobody wants them.
It takes ~1 or so minutes until one side is browned. Since these babies are so delicate, you need to get something like a thin butter knife and loosen it up from the pan. Lift up one edge, and with your least favorite fingers flip the crepe because hoLY SHIT IT IS HOT WHY HOW. Cook it for another minute or so until it browns, OR you can just skip this step entirely and have a floppy ass crepe! Like me!

9. So repeat this process until you run out of batter. You should have at least 15-20. If not, whatever, nobody cares it’ll still be pretty with the right angles and photoshop trust me πŸ˜‰
Note: be careful when flipping, trust me friends. Keep a light hand or else you’ll ruin your crepes because you’ve tried to flip them quickly just to drop the stupid fuckin’ thing and OH MY GOD IT RIPPED WHY GOD WHY

10. Just stack them on baking sheets. Overlap them. whatevs. do you. Make sure while you’re making these crepes, you take selfie snaps and send them to boys on your list and push it onto your story because holy shit if everybody else gets to brag about fun they are, I can at least take pictures of myself in a bra baking. πŸ’πŸ™† It’s my god-given right, dammit.

~~~

CAKE ASSEMBLY
Ingredients:
*~2 cups plain yogurt
*3 tbsp granulated sugar

1. Make sure that once you’ve gotten this far into the recipe you’ve noticed you do not have any heavy whipping cream and it is 1:45 am, and your life is nothing more than a connection of baked desserts and preventing hot tools from searing your naked flesh off. Pace around the kitchen realizing the errs in your ways, and avow to never forget ingredients again (only to break said promise next time because ha-ha self promises are for well adjusted adults ha ha losers).

2. Start frantically opening and closing the fridge, thinking that if it is done enough times, heavy cream will magically appear.
Note: it does not.

3. Spot the lone tub of plain whole yogurt staring at you from behind the rotting portuguese food and a bottle of almond milk and snatch at it like it’s the lost ark.

4. Pull out your stand mixer again, and start dumping spoonfuls of this yogurt that seem to be about 1 cup. (Use more, like closer to 2 so you can actually have enough to spread.)
Start whipping it because MAYBE IT WILL DO SOMETHING?????
But like for real, if you know that whipping yogurt does nothing, I advise you to skip this step. I hate bullshit extra steps unless I’m panicked and OH MY GOD PLEASE WORK PLEASE I’VE SPENT TOO MUCH TIME AND MONEY ON THIS DESSERT.

5. Once your yogurt is whipped “enough” bring your pastry cream pot back in. If you did it right, it should be smooth and not lumpy, if you fucked up like me, it’s gonna look chunky. HAVE NO FEAR THE YOGURT SMOOTHS IT OUT– mostly. Just start pouring it into the freezing cold pot and whisk it all together.

6. Grab your fanciest plate, I went straight up for the Royal Albert, because I ain’t no fuckboy. Start by laying down your ugliest non-torn crepe, and thinly spreading your pastry creme. Slowly stack up each crepe with a thin schmeer of pastry creme, saving your pretties crepes for the top, thus representing the unjust society that is beauty culture in where we punish the lame and ugly, and reward the good looking for having few to no other redeeming qualities other than their physical attributes.

7. Once your crepe is assembled add the sugar (or be more heavy handed if you’re gluttonous such as I) and get your little kitchen torch, and realize it’s empty. Hunt around the house for your extra tank of butane and refill it yo’ self, because bitches ain’t know shit about me. Now burn that mo’fuckin’ sugar and feel the pleasure of watching something pure melt into liquid and harden into a solid crystallized state that you can crack with your fork and just insert into your mou—
What the fuck is wrong with me sorry, I was having a moment.

~~~

Boom. Yo’ ass is done. Cut into that sucker and enjoy immediately. If you wanna save it for the next day WAIT BEFORE YOU BRULEE SOME SUGAR. Apparently sugar goes soggy (????) and turns to liquid (??????????) even after it’s been torched. SPARE YOUR CAKE OF THE SADNESS. You have come too far to let your cake become a pooled mess. Have more respect in yourself, dammit!

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Chunkaaay

I didn’t take any pictures of the crepe batter, because everybody knows what batter looks like, right??? Tan? Liquidy? tastes like bourbon HAH I WISH.

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Hello darkness my old friend
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My crepes are disappointingly flaccid. THANKFULLY MY NEW BAE NEVER IS WAH HA HA!
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Crisp little babies
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A little cream never hurt nobody
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This crepe cake stands as a testament, that even I can look nice, despite the fact that I am nothing but flimsy pieces of batter all dressed up with frilly edges and cream
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fire is a beautiful thing

And there it is friends! Happy New Year! I’ll be updating more often I believe! I signed my sister up for a “southern-food-of-the-month-club” which should really signal all of the bells and whistles in your head to how “Yankee” we actually are. Or maybe just really ethnically unassimilated? WHATEVS.

Up next is some portuguese desserts and more christmas fare! Because everything is always better late and out of order right???

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