Because I’m always late — “S’mores” Cake

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Hello friends! These pictures may seem weird and out of season, because, well, they are. I should have posted this back during christmas, since, uh, that’s when I made this… but I went and posted stuff out of order because why not, right??

Got myself some more news for all of you!
I have a boyfriend now! (And he’s…. hunky? And cute? And nice? And he’s like clearly too tall for me, but I love it. πŸ’)

WAIT WHAT, HOW???? Especially since I never talked about him, and I talked about other boys like a million times! Well, in all fairness, I did sort of mention in him the last post as “the bae” well now it’s “the boyf”.
IFAQ (Imaginary Frequently Asked Questions):
How will this change my blog?
Will I stop writing about all of the times I’ve been ridiculous and sent topless snapchats of me baking to boys? Will I stop talking about dicks while showing you how to not cry into your ruined batter?
You can all rest assured that I will still inject my daily dose of dickery and tears into every post. πŸ‘ Tears included. No need to buy the box set.
πŸ˜‰

Also, I now work about 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, so UHHHHHHHHHH

BUT I DID START AN INSTAGRAM. MY HANDLE IS @thatcakeeatingbitch where stuff i’ve posted or taken pictures of won’t go up on this blog. OR it’s pictures of food that I eat, because I live for eating shit i take pictures of.

SO, CHRISTMAS AM I RIGHT?

Because christmas is such a stressful baking holiday since I am literally juggling a whole table of desserts (Portuguese people DO NOT fuck around with christmas desserts. I would go to super Portuguese jail if I didn’t provide a whole table of shit) I didn’t really take many pictures this time. Actually, just 4. I was too busy stomping and bossing people out of the way in the kitchen, because who needs a goddamn roast when you can have a cake, right? RIGHT??? πŸ˜…πŸ˜… that’s what I tell myself when I’m hungry and eating carbs

To be super honest this isn’t really a christmas cake. I made it once 2 years ago around christmas time because it was a cake I had been dreaming up for months. So clearly, make this cake can be made whenever u damn well please, because ain’t nobody in the world have to stop you from making a cake.

Bare with me, this is a cake recipe made following THREE (3!!!) different recipes…. AND IT ACTUALLY DOES NOT SUCK THERE REALLY ARE FAIRY BAKING GODPARENTS (Dominique Ansel, I hope it’s u).
ok, so sweat blood and tears went into this cake recipe, and I’ve struggled with different concepts several times. Each time I make it I’ve always changed something or made it even more complicated. This isn’t the final version, and in a few months I’ll probably re-make it.

This is truly my favorite cake since it is actually entirely of the machinations of my mind. This is the cake I’ve been waiting to write about and debut. Maybe it’s nobody else’s cup of tea, but it’s mine. It’s the cake my 15 year old self would high-five me for. It’s the cake that my 30 year old self will feel proud albeit also slightly embarrassed that I thought this was good. This is that cake — the cake all of us amateur bakers dream of finding inside of us. And here it is before me in it’s glorious self.

The cake works as such:
*The bottom layer is comprised of a gingerbread cake, here to mimic a graham cracker (without baking a weird crumbly cake out of crackers, because bleh)
*Middle is spread with some chocolate buttercream frosting that goes on the outside only on the sides
*Top layer is a chocolate cake made with a whole cup of black coffee
*Cake Topping is a swiss meringue torched to look like a toasty marshmallow!

This is not for the low on time. You basically need a whole day to make this cake. More like 2.

NOTE THIS MAKES 2 (TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) WHOLE TWO LAYER CAKES I always make one cake for us, and one for Whiskey’s in-laws, because even during Christmas, I, the forever grump, feel some semblance of spirit. If you want to make just one cake…… uhh I suppose half everything? I haven’t done this so I can’t promise it’ll work.


Bottom Layer I found here on Food52! I just did some minor tweaking (and not my usual idea of makin’ shit up) and that’s why the cake actually doesn’t suck!

Ingredients for Bottom Layer:
*12 tbsp butter, cut into chunks
*1 1/2 cups blackstrap molasses (I used half & half regular molasses, because what am, I made of molasses money?)
*3/4 cup brown sugar
*1/3 cup white regular sugar
*3 1/4 cup flour
*1/2 sea salt
*2 1/2 tsp baking soda
*1 tsp ground ginger (who has fresh all of the time??)
*1/2 tsp cinnamon
*2 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder
*1 tsp vanilla
*2 large eggs, beaten
*1 1/2 cup milk (whole is best but lol we don’t have that here)

1. Go ahead and butter up your two cake pans like the fuckin’ champ you are. 9-inch is best (as true for other situations).
Oh and, preheat your oven to 350 yeaaaaaahhhhhh

2. Grab your most neutral smelling pot, and throw in your butter (i didn’t even cut mine, because lol why dirty a knife). Let it melt a little if you’re a sloppy bitch like me before you throw in the other ingredients so nothing burns. Once your butter cools melty, add in your molasses, and the sugars and whisk until everything is all melted and beautiful together. Once that shit ain’t grainy, whisk it once more and remove off heat.
BUTTER WILL SEPARATE FROM MOLASSES DO NOT PANIC FRIENDS

3. Grab your stand mixer with the paddle attachment and stir together all of the flour, salt, baking soda, ginger, cinnamon, and cocoa powder. It makes like this nice darkish kind of concoction.

4. Move back over to your molasses sugar pot and pour in the vanilla and the milk. Whisk that baby around, and then get your eggs (i didn’t beat them! BIG SURPRISIE!) and kind of like stab at them with the whisk and whisk it all up nice and fast so none of the residual heat cooks anything. Pour it right into your bowl and MIX IT UP!

5. Sensually pour the batter into the cake pans because wow u didn’t fuck anything up and it’s like wow good job go me. Stick it in your oven and let it bake for at least 20 minutes. The OG recipe says 45, but my oven is full of hot breath and total lies, so I just baked it for 20 minutes then about 15 more and kept poking at it with a toothpick until it came out clean.

6. Put them to cool on your wire rack, because you got 2 more cakes to bake up, baby.

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Chocolate cake is from the classic Ina Garten recipe. It was the first cake I learned how to bake correctly from scratch, and dammit, it stays true to this little black heart!

Ingredients for Top Layer:
*1 1/4 cup flour
*1 ~1 1/2 sugar {I like my chocolate to taste like chocolate, not some milky sweetened stuff.}
*3/4 cup cocoa powder {get that special dark stuff. it be special}
*2 tsp baking soda
*1 tsp baking powder
*1 tsp kosher salt {i used sea salt because i’m a land mermaid}
*1 cup buttermilk {can somebody please tell me who actually uses a whole carton of buttermilk before it goes bad?}
OR
*1 tbsp lemon juice + 1 cup whole milk
*1/2 veg oil {used corn because i like my death to taste like gmos}
*2 large eggs
*1 tsp vanilla extract
*1 cup hot brewed coffee {i suppose it can be instant?}

1. Preheat your oven to 350, you know. Like leave it on from the previous cake layer. Butter & flour your pans, homie

2. Dump dry ingredients (flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder & soda & salt) into a stand mixer with your paddle attachment. If you wanna be fancy, you can fuff up the mound with a fork, or you can be like me, cut the middle man out and just stir it with the paddle attachment.

3. Grab a SECOND BOWL (oh my god why is everything so dirty already PLEASE SEND HELP) throw in your egg (whisk it up with said fork), oil, vanilla, and buttermilk. Or if you’re lazy at grocery shopping, grab your nearest googling device, and find out how to make lazy bitch buttermilk. Squeeze some lemon juice (10+ classy points if you use it out of a squeeze bottle like me πŸ‘) and your like skim milk, (because nobody in your house drinks milk except for you, and you’re lactose intolerant) and DO NOT STIR IT. Just leave it be for about 5 minutes, or however long it takes for you to check up on your snaps. Then pour it in to your wet shit bowl. Mix it all up.

4. OKAY CONFESSION TIME: I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BREW COFFEE. I can make you a goddamn chocolate souffle without it deflating. I can make you a wonderfully custardy creme brulee with a burnt sugar top with my little hand torch buT DO NOT ASK ME TO MAKE YOU COFFEE EVER. So, being 22 (at the time) and living at home (still now, of course many tears) I asked my mom to make coffee earlier in the day. Shit wasn’t hot so you know what that means? NUKE-IT-UP-IN-THE-MICROWAVE! YAY! About 1 minute seems to be hot coffee temp.

5. If you have hot coffee because your mom made it…. or because you’re a well adjusted functioning adult who can use a coffee machine (what?) then take your hot coffee and slowly pour it into your batter while you stir. Scrape dem sides down with a rubber spatula and then pour that beauty of a fuckin’ batter into your prepared pans. Smell that? that’s the sexiest motherfucking cake you’ll ever eat.

6. Since your oven is nice and hot and waiting for that cake {like me on a good day}, pop that sucker in there, and bake it until it’s done. I hate giving times, because everybody’s oven is different… but Ina says 30 mins. U do you, fam.
Once baked and cooled, put them on wire racks to chill out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chocolate frosting is from the same Ina Garten recipe, btw.

Ingredients for Chocolate Buttercream:
*6 ounces of that good dark chocolate (or semi-sweet, whatev)
*1/2 pound (2 sticks, brah) of butter, room temp yo
*1 egg yolk (or if you can’t read instructions like me, 1 whole egg works fine too)
*1 tsp vanilla extract
*1 to 1 1/4 cups powder sugar
*1 tbsp instant coffee (or espresso, bella)

ok. so let me admit u something. I could not ever get the correct consistency to a buttercream for FOREVER because my Better Homes and Garden: Basic Bitches cookbook was giving me weird instructions aND I JUST DIDN’T GET IT.
This is the first frosting I was ever able to make correctly…. at the age of 18? 19? the age at which this wasn’t the only butter i was creamin’!

1. Wash your stand mixer tools from your cake for like THE THIRD TIME, FUCK WASHING DISHES FOR REAL.
Ahem. First microwave your butter in increments of 15 seconds if you’re too impatient to wait for something like “room temp”. Get your paddle attachment and lazily hack at the butter. It doesn’t need to actually be small cubes. It can be in ugly, loosely formed chunks. (which is basically the greatest way to describe me)

2. Throw your butter chunks into the stand mixer and beat that fucker on medium-high. Get that shit pale and fluffy like a soft grunge blog.

3. Add egg yolk (whole egg?) and vanilla. Change your sucker to low, and slowly add in powdered sugar. Tbh, i don’t actually measure out my sugar. What I end up doing is, I just get a soup spoon and just keep throwing powdered sugar in there, while scraping the sides, until totally mixed and tastes sweet enough to me.

4. SO, you can be a fancy bitch and get out your double boiler, or even 2 pots to evenly melt this chocolate OR you can be always looking to cut corners, and just put heat on the lowest setting and melt chocolate in a pot over the flame.
BLASPHEMOUS, I KNOW. I shall later repent to my god, Dominique Ansel, for the sins i have committed and have transpired.

5. Once your chocolate has cooled, after just a simple quick melting, pour it into your powered sugar-butter holy union. Mix it until combined.

6. NOW THE MAGIC PART. So take a small little bowl, and throw in 1 tbsp of instant coffee or espresso. Turn on your sink until you have steamy hot tap water, and pour in just about 1 tsp or more, depending on your product and mix until watery and combined. Toss that shit into your chocolate buttercream, and give it a fucking whirl!
Taste that motherfucker, and look me in the eye, and tell me that it doesn’t taste like god.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIS CAKE NEVER ENDS OH MY GOD.

Recipe from Martha Stewart, that fucking Queen of a woman, is for 4 cups. Depending on how heavy handed you are with using this as topping, that’s either too much or too little. Bake up the rest as cute little cookies!

Ingredients for Swiss Meringue:
*4 large egg whites
*1 cup of sugar
*1/2 tsp vanilla
*1 pinchy cream of tartar

1. I’m a lazy ho at washing dishes, so I had to do some crazy maneuvering with what bowls I ended up using. My Kitchenaid metal bowl is too small for most of my pots…. so I just fill a pot up with only a little bit of water that covers only the stand part of the bowl, and start boiling that sucker away!
USE. OVEN. MITTS. Your bowl is gonna murder your fingers.

2. Crack your egg whites into the bowl. VERY MEGA IMPORTANT: if you are using thicker grained sugar (that’s organic or some shit) IT WILL NOT MELT INTO THE EGG WHITES PROPERLY. So either MELT THE SUGAR FIRST or throw it through a blender to make it smaller.
trust me. i’ve thrown out 4 egg whites because it was too grainy

3. If you have cream of tartar throw it in there. I didn’t and shit was fiiiiine, brooo. Whisk your egg white-sugar-cream of tartar mixture furiously until warm to the touch. Just shove your fingers in there. Don’t sue me for burns thooo. Martha says this will take about 3 to almost 4 minutes. Shit always takes longer irl, just whisk it until it’s passed it’s foamy bubbly stage and seems loosey goosey with no visible sugar granules.

4. Remove your bowl and WIPE IT DA FUK DOWN. All of that steamy condensation is gonna keep cooking the egg whites. This is a nono. Put your bowl back on your stand mixer, and use your whisk head, and start on low until it starts to gain some…. weight to it, then put that fucker on high or medium high and WHISK BABY WHISK. It’s gonna take 10 minutes for sure. At least! You want the peaks to be beautifully stiff and glossy, but not broken.
I mean, even if they break it doesn’t matter too much. It’s still gonna be fresh to death and delicious as hell.

5. I once saw on a cooking show, (or maybe something crossed between a magazine and a dream) a baker mentioned that a meringue is done being beaten if you can flip the bowl over your head without any fear of it cascading out of the bowl onto your head. So, yeah. Basically get to that point, and you golden Pony Boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FINALLY ASSEMBLING THE CAKE

Ingredients:
*1 molasses cake layer
*1 chocolate cake layer
*chocolate buttercream
*swiss meringue
*kitchen torch

1. Get your cutest cake stand, because something with this many steps needs a fresh to death stand, people. Place a small dollop of buttercream on the stand so the cake doesn’t slide when you frost it.

2. It’s best advised you do a crumb coating. If you don’t want to, the cake will still be delicious, but decidedly more hideous, like me when I wake up and I don’t feel like putting eyeliner on.
Make this decision BEFORE you do anything else, fam. πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

3. Place the molasses cake on top of the little dollop. Generously spread some of the buttercream in the middle. Be sure that you save enough for the sides. I usually freakout because I don’t wanna make more frosting, so my middle is thin. DON’T ME BE FRIENDS. BE THICK AND HAPPY NOT THIN AND MISERABLE.

3. Place the chocolate cake layer on top. NOW THE FUN PART! If you’ve decided to crumb coat the cake, lightly frost the cake covering it with a very thin schmear of frosting all over the two layers, connecting the gap between the two of them with frosting. Put the cake in a cold place and check on it in like an hour or whenever the frosting is kind of stiffish. It’s technically best to make this cake the day before… or the morning of. But I never have that foresight, so I usually stick it in the East Coast snow. πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

4. Once enough time (episodes of Broad City) has passed, bring your cake back out and finish glopping the frosting all over the sides of the cake, leaving the top bare.
LISTEN TO ME FRIENDS, I’VE ACCIDENTALLY FROSTED THE TOP, ONLY TO SCRAPE IT OFF AND LOSE SO MUCH CAKE AND FROSTING. 😭😭

5. Once all of your frosting is done, THE MORE FUN PART ENSUES. Get your swiss meringue and just plop it on there. spread that fucker around. Decorate the top however you like! You can make it into multiple peaks with a fork, or a spoon! Or you can make it into a swirl (like me) with a cute little nib THAT YOUR FATHER RIPS OFF AND EATS LIKE A GODDAMN ANIMAL.
Then take your torch, and reconcile your secret feelings for arson and burn the everloving jesus out of the meringue. The more toasty almost burny the top is, the more it tastes like a campfire marshmallow. 😍


AND YOU HAVE FINISHED. CONGRATS ON CROSSING THE SUMMIT OF CAKEDOM. This is easily one of the longest and more complicated desserts I’ve made since it takes about 2 days and requires, oh I don’t know 3 different recipes. But goddamn, will you be nothing but proud at the end.

And is it delicious? So delicious I’ve been begged by family friends to make them for them during Christmas time. People gobble this cake up so fast, I barely have any pictures because people become starving animals after tasting the sweet ambrosia of this cake.
Plus, it holds SO WELL. The cake, even if not stored in a cake storage tupperware thing will not really dry out because the meringue will pass it’s moisture onto the cake.

I’ve subsided on nothing but this cake for like over 2 weeks.

~~~

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Christmas Glamor shot betches. Baby Yeezus would be proud
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Look at dat monaaaay shot.

u know these cut open pieces are totally the porn of this blogosphere. We should just start admitting that to ourselves rn.

~~~

Btw, this was brought to you by doing it in hurried frightened little bits at work, and zombie typing at 1 am, when I have to get up in like 6 hours.

I love you, and I miss you so much. More stuff coming soon, promise. 😘😘😘

Nutmeg out.
πŸ’‹πŸ’‹πŸ’‹

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5 thoughts on “Because I’m always late — “S’mores” Cake

    • Oh my gosh!! Thank you so much! This was like my “baking chops” cake. Ya know??? Everybody has their one thing. Thankfully mine is chocolate on chocolate and torched swiss meringue. XD

      You’re too kind!!! Try baking it yourself! hopefully I’ve written everything correctly. πŸ˜›

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