It’s Fat Tuesday Somewhere — Beignets w/ chicory coffee cream

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I know you people are all ready for some springy desserts and shit… but trust me I’m ready too.

But here’s why you’re gonna get more buttery fat sugar creations from me:
1) I have to catch up with all of the baking I’ve done and haven’t posted {IMPORTANT. Every baked good deserves to have a chance in the spotlight.}
2) IT’S FUCKING COLD IN NEW JERSEY. GOODBYE

When I mean cold, it’s still like “are you happy to see me, or are your nipples just cold” LEVELS OF COLD.
Sure. Suuure. The weather report says beautiful numbers like, 61 degrees. But for real? It’s raining like something fierce here. Where is spring, I ponder as I put on another cable knit sweater to go to work.

Did I end up moving to Washington or England where I’m to be plagued with rain every single day of the week?
Maaaaan. I have no idea how you guys do it, but I’m done with rain. Thank you, Mother Nature, you’re done. Bring me some sun, but not too much because I don’t want to melt and then have to look at everybody pretending I don’t have MASSIVE sweat-stains. There’s enough embarrassment in my life.

So, my birthday is in late February, and it’s after Fat Tuesday. Our family never did shit for Fat Tuesday, and trust me, I was raised high holy catholic school girl religious (midnight mass sessions, giving stuff up, etc.). But we never did anything. I didn’t even know that Fat Tuesday was EVEN A THING. After my grandparents retired and flew the American coop to go back to the motherland, and I was mainstreamed into public school, I started learning shit. Wikipedia and public school made me a woman and taught me the ways of the fuckin’ world.

Our high school used to do some really fun dorky Mardi Gras celebration in one of the 4 gyms we had. (Yes, I went to that kind of high school). That’s when Mardi Gras became…. something to me? And while I have yet to go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, I try my best to bake something or celebrate somehow…. because who doesn’t love a goddamn good excuse to shovel food into my face and get pissed drunk??

The recipe I’m following is from the AMAZING PERFECT Local Milk.
Which… by the way, has a fucking baddass superhero-like origin story to her recipe that I feebly attempted to mimic.
I couldn’t run away like her, because my mother would scream so hard the world would end, and I would get my ass dragged the whole way back by my hair. Ethnic girl probs.

SUPER COOL FUN FACT: I kind of am tied to chicory by laces of history. My maternal great-grandfather was the manager of a chicory farm, and my great-grandmother was a known midwife. My grandmother was well off enough to have wooden floors in her house during the reign of the Fascist dictator.
So there you have it. I’m the great-granddaughter of a chicory farmer.


beignets filled with chicory cream

Ingredients for Chicory Cream:
*2 cups whole milk
*3 tbsp chicory coffee (my ma got the cafe du monde straight from NOLA) (I FEEL LIKE INA GARTEN SAYING THIS HELP)
*6 egg yolks
*1/2 cup sugar
*1/4 cup flour
*1 tsp vanilla
*some extra cornstarch for when you panic over a thin cream

1. Read the first step on Local Milk and PANIC. A…. french press? I need a french press for this?? I don’t even know hot to use a regular coffee pot!
It’s okay friend. Do not panic. Do not panic as your still relatively new boyfriend (in February) is standing around watching you get started on this dessert with a craft beer bottle in his hand with his adorable stupid smile that I love-hate so much.
YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.

2. Okay, take out a pot, and throw your 2 cups of whole milk into it. Bring it to boil. Once boiled over, NOW place your chicory coffee into the pot, and stir it around a bit to let it steep. Leave it alone for like 5 to 10 minutes. Make sure your mother who is sitting in the kitchen like a fucking hawk, doesn’t catch your boyfriend grab your ass while you stir both the literal and proverbial pot.

3. Meanwhile, pull your stand mixer out, and set it up with the whisk attachment, and whisk the egg yolks with your vanilla and sugar until pale yellow and falls in ribbons.

4. While that shit is mixing, return back to the unholy coffee-milk-pot experiment and find a bowl of which you can strain the coffee-milk into. Find like a… a flour shifter or some other manner of sieve you have laying about your house somewhere. Don’t have one? i’m sorry bro you so fucked. I seriously can’t help. Uhh maybe pour it through a coffee filter?!?!?!?!!
You might get some flecks of coffee in your milk. Don’t worry u ain’t gon die. ๐Ÿ‘Œ and nobody will ever notice so PSH.

5. Turn back to your egg yolks and add the flour to it and whisk to combine. Now here’s where you separate the bakers from the… uhh other bakers: adding hot (hottish? warm? depending on how long you took?) milk to eggs without cooking them. ๐Ÿ‘
Here’s the total major pro-tip that requires years of knowledge: Stir like a fucking maniac while pouring your hot milk into your eggs.

6. OKAY NOT TO BE A PAIN OR ANYTHING, BUT LIKE NOW POUR ALL OF THAT BACK INTO THE SAME POT BC IT GOTTA COOK AGAIN LOL SORRY

7. Bring to a low and slow boil while whisking to get out of the raw flour taste, and to thicken. If you’ve been standing over the pot like a sinner sweating in a church, waiting for yo’ shit to thicken and it don’t thicken? Add cornstarch in teaspoons in a fucking panic. GIVE IT TIME PLEASE. As it cools it will thicken. Please don’t make the same mistake where I added too much and then it became spackle LLOLOOOOLO.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ingredients for beignet:
*1 packet (2 tsp) dry active yeast
*3/4 cup (175ml) (110F) warm water
*1/4 cup (50g) sugar
*3/4 tsp kosher or sea salt
*3/4 tsp nutmeg {FINALLY. IS THIS MY FIRST RECIPE WITH NUTMEG??}
*1 large egg-io
*1/2 cup (120 ml) buttermilk
-OR-
*1/2 cup whole milk + 1 tbsp lemon juice
*3 1/2 (430 g) ap flour, divvied up between 1 1/2 cup (180 g), 1 3/4 cup (220 g), & 1/4 (30 g) {SO CONFUSING I KNOW}
*1/2 stick (2 oz) butter
*lots of canola or vegetable oil to deep fry these mothafuckaaaas

1. Set up your stand mixer with a dough hook. Don’t have one? Well you can officially thank me for your RIPPED summer arms. Love u.

2. get your water in like a mug or something, and microwave it for about 30 sec to a minute. Or uhh, anytime before it decides to boil. WAY before that pls. Water should be around 110F which ya can check with a thermometer or your fingers. It should feel hot, but not burn your finger off.
Add the yeast and the sugar.

3. pour dat succkkkaaa into the bowl of your stand mixer, and add your salt, nuuuutmeggg, egg, and buttaaamilk (or lemon juice milk dream killer) Mix it up with your dough hook.

4. Add in the first batch of flour (1 1/2 cup {180 g}) and mix until the dough comes together.

5. Add your butter in small chunks. It be cool if it’s not perfectly mixed.

6. Now add in your (1 3/4 cup {220g}) flour and mixy mix until combined.

7. Dump your dough out onto your fancy floured surface {or in my case, a cheap plastic cutting board laid over a ragged dishtowel bc cleaning up sticky counter tops is for suckers} and knead it around. It’s gonna be sticky as fuuuuuck. Add the (1/4th cup {30g}) by hand and knead knead away.
DO. NOT. OVER. KNEAD. THIS IS NOT BREAD
Warning warning warning. I did this and my beautiful little golden nuggets came out HARD LIKE BREAD HELP WHY.

8. Oil a clean bowl if you’re fancy, or just the same bowl and dump that sucker in there. Wrap it up and put it somewhere warm. OR YOU CAN DO THE NUTMEG METHOD of boiling a pot of water, adjusting the racks in your oven to fit both your bowl, and a casserole dish of hot water and seal those suckers in there for like an hour. As long as you didn’t burn your yeast alive, you are guaranteed to get raised dough. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘

9. remove your dough and put it on your surface. DO NOT TRY TO IMPRESS YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH YOUR BAKING SKILLS BY PUNCHING THE DOUGH. THIS IS WRONG. YOU NEED THIS LIGHT I SWEAR TO GOD.

10. Heat up your cast iron pot/personal mini deep-fryer/what-have-u to 350F. Roll out your dough a bit to about 1/2 inch thickness. OR you can just grab fistfuls of the dough and make little balls. Which is what I did because i love me nicely shaped balls

11. Set up a little space with paper to let it sop up the oil when they’re done frying, and dump those suckers in there, making sure to keep the oil temp around 350F but not higher than 375F or you’ve got your ass a ticket to BURNSVILLE. They fry super quickly. Like 3 or 4 minutes in total as long as you keep flipping them.
Spider those fuckin’ babies out and let them drip away.

12. Once they’ve cooled slightly, you can make a choice here. Either you can get your favorite piping nozzle OR just cover their asses in sugar and dip them in the chicory cream. Either way you fucking win. ๐Ÿ‘


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Straight from NOLA where my mom went and bitched that all of the food was fried. -_-

I gotta admit, that’s a beautiful fuckin’ can.

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dough all ready to be slapped out into balls. Nutmeg flecks the dough. ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–
 

And no other pictures because I was teaching my boyfriend how to pipe desserts for the first time, and I was hovering over him like a micromanaging hawk because oh my god my desserts please don’t ruin them please help me.
Uhh, sorry babe. ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

I ended up overkneading my dough like a showoff and made them STUPIDLY heavy and filling. This is no fault of the actual recipe.

Also, I ended up with too much cream???? So we just straight up dipped them into the cream like heathens and celebrated our fat ass tuesday the way god would be proud: with revelry and straight up sexcapades.

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