I Don’t Think You Ready For This {Sticky} Bun — Chocolate Sticky Buns w/ Salted Caramel Sauce

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National Sticky Bun Day is real in America. People. This is a real day designated for the celebration of sticky buns.
What?? How??? Why isn’t there an actual national holiday? Why isn’t there like a “dance-around-the-sticky-bun” town square dance? The fuck, America. Step your shit up.

It also happens to fall 5 days before the best day of the year: MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY. ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽŠ
yes, i am a self-centered millennial, why do you ask?
Well, on this glorious year of our lord, I turned 23 years old. Me and Ilana Wexler are both the same age now, please and thank you. (I too have meandered down St. Marks in NYC and yes. yes. it’s exactly like that.)

Side note: you know what day falls on my birthday? Mother. Fucking. Chili. Day. I mean shit, I love a good bowl of spicy meat like the next person, but why not like crepe day, or some classy shit. Of course I’d be born on goddamn chili day. My whole life is a bowl of steamy spiced meat. In a bread bowl, probs.

So because at the time I still had copious amounts of free time because I was an unemployed lazy bitch (now I’m just a regular employed lazy bitch) I thought I’d celebrate sticky bun day by telling da bae to come over and shove some sticky buns down his glorious gullet while I stand around in a frilly apron and attempt to look cute, but like in that “put-yo-dick-in-me” kind of way. Ya know?????
dear god I can never show my mother this blog

I trolled pinterest for a chocolate sticky bun, because like pretty much literally every male ever, the bae likes mostly only chocolate desserts.
But like for real, any of you of the male persuasion, explain this to me. It’s for science.

The recipe I ended up using is from Crepes of Wrath which is not only literally the most kick-ass literary derived food blog title, I am so jealous because HOLY SHIT HOW DOES ANYBODY THINK OF ANYTHING MORE CLEVER???

Also her blog is perf. IT APPEARED IN SAVEUR. !!!!!!!

I also chose it, because wait 60 minutes to make a yeasted raised dough? Yes. Yes yes yes always.
I just am gonna double the amount of filling, because maybe I’m a moron (which is likely) and I did it wrong, but I didn’t feel like I had enough filling.
I’m a glutton goddammit. I need my shit to be decadent.


Ingredients for Dough:
*3/4 cup warm milk
*1 1/2 tbsp dried active yeast {she says a little more than 2 packets. I don’t remember using that much??}
*1/2 cup granulated sugar
*1/4 cup + 2 tbsp butter, room temp
*2 eggs
*4 cups ap flour, plus more for rollin’ n shit
*1 tsp salt

1. Grab your cupcake pan and grease that motherfuckaaaa like you’re a 1980s business man makin’ a shady deal.

2. Haul out your stand mixer, and attach the paddle. Nuke your milk until it’s warm to the touch, but the temp is less than 110F. toss that, plus your yeast and sugar into the bowl. Let it stand for like 5 minutes until it foams. If it doesn’t foam, but your milk wasn’t scalding, it’s okay baby. We fix dat.

3. add butter, and mix until kind of combined?? {it’ll look chunky}, then add in your eggs 1 at a time until combined {still resembling chunky crap}.

4. add in your flour & salt, mixing it slowly until the flour can’t attack you, then cranking that shit up to medium, and let it PADDLE AWAY. the dough will get sticky and heavy. This is sex.

5. (OPTIONAL STUFF) In the meanwhile, heat up a pot of water, and adjust your oven racks so you can fit your bowl in the oven, but still fit a casserole dish underneath it.
Take your beautiful dough and cover it with like a million dish towels, and stick it in the oven. Once the water is hot, get your casserole dish, and put it in the rack underneath the bowl, and pour your boiled water into it.
Close the door and LET THAT SHIT STEAM.
This is basically a fool proof manner of getting your yeast shit to rise, even if you fucked up the yeast with water/milk too cold.
….unless your yeast is old. Then you’re kind of screwed. Or dead. Also screwed.

6. After your dough as risen a bit (i waited until it kinda doubled because I love me fat buns), flour a work surface (if u me, lay down a dish towel, and then a plastic cutting board because lol I don’t wanna clean the counter) and roll out your dough to like 11×17. I think I measured it with a real ruler???? But I forgot????

Ingredients for Filling
*3 – 4 tbsp butter, melted {depending on how buttery ya’ll want ur shit}
*1 cup brown sugar
*2 tsp – 1 tbsp cinnamon
*1 – 2 cups chocolate, chopped if not da chips

1. Brush your rolled out dough with some of that hot sexy butter, allllllll over. Make it wet n wild baby.

2. Mix your brown sugar & cinnamon in a small bowl, and just start CAKING it on there. Add more as needed. You want this to be gooey delicious? don’t be light handed dammit.

3. Sprink-a-dink that chopped chocolate like a boss ass queen.

4. on the long side, roll up dat shit tight, son. Use your hand to maneuver stuff so it doesn’t like spill all over the place. You want all of that mouth melting deliciousness in your bun not on your counter. ๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿ™…

5. The best way to cut these suckers is with dental floss….. soooo…. make sure you meekly ask somebody in the house for dental floss, while your boyfriend asks “babe, you don’t…. have dental floss in your bathroom?”. Make sure you toss your hair, and attempt to look cute as fuck, while you internally have a meltdown over your boyfriend attempting to hide his mild face of disgust. ๐Ÿ’€

6. Once you’ve gotten ahold of the glorious floss that is so obviously not yours, slide the floss underneath the dough log, and cut them into whatever size you want. Probably cupcake sized, so they can…. ya know. Fit in your buttered pans.

7.(OPTIONAL AGAIN) You can heat up a kettle of tea again, and shove your full pans so they can rise again… but don’t bother with this if you only have 1 oven. My ma has 2……… so I guess I’m a spoiled little brat. ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜…

8. Regardless of your choice, put your dough to rise a little more. Just about the time it will take for you to preheat your oven to 425F. But, I’d keep it a little lower…. I kinda….. over cooked my shit. ๐Ÿ˜“๐Ÿ˜“๐Ÿ˜“
Bake those suckers until they’re golden brown and smell like what you imagine nordic gods to smell like.
ok so maybe it’s weird i imagine thor as smelling like cinnamon. Uhhh, cook for about 10 to 20 minutes.

Ingredients for Caramel Sauce
Note. I also doubled this, but you can probably double what I have here. I like my buns to be sauced. Yes. Pun intended. Pun VERY intended.

*1/2 cup brown sugar
*6 tbsp butter
*2 tbsp heavy cream or whole milk
*1 tbsp corn syrup
*1/4 sea salt
*1/2 tsp vanilla extract
*1/4 tsp baking soda

1. Grab your dessert pot, (because we cook with so much garlic, it’s in fucking EVERYTHING) and toss in your brown sugar, heavy cream and corn syrup. Let that shit melt until it smells like omg yes forever, and looks like caramel. Don’t go overcooking it in attempts to show off to your boyfriend your baking skillz HELP I AM A MASSIVE SHOW OFF HELP.

2. Once it be cooked yo, splash in the vanilla, and pop the baking soda and stir. Add the sea salt to give it that
“i’m going to subtly show you i’m better than you” taste that everybody loves. ๐Ÿ‘

3. Grab yo buns, and put them on a plate AND FUCKING DEVOUR THEM. SHOW NO MERCY. TEAR INTO THEM LIKE THE PRIMAL ANIMAL YOU ARE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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brown sugar as far as the eye can see ~~
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LOOK AT HOW FUCKING SNUGGLY THEY LOOK IN THAT CUPCAKE TIN AWE

All in all, these sticky buns rocked my sticky bun.

{pun INCREDIBLY intended}

Da bae liked them too, but he only ate so many, because somehow I ended up dating a….. a…. fitness buff??? SHH DON’T TELL THE OTHER BLOGGERS. I might lose my baking cred or something.

Even though he only ate like 2, he had this really sweet little loving glint in his eye.
And let me tell you. I can’t promise that the old adage “the only way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is exactly true, because feeding a man doesn’t mean he’ll fall in love with you… but goddamn will it fuckin’ get you laid. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฐ

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11 thoughts on “I Don’t Think You Ready For This {Sticky} Bun — Chocolate Sticky Buns w/ Salted Caramel Sauce

  1. Fuck yes. Just fuck yes.
    I love the sound of sticky bun holiday, although it possibly sounds like it should be the day after mardi gras…
    I wont show my mum your blog either but I shall read it a lot. It makes my face smile and I warm and fuzzy on the inside when I read these beautiful words ๐Ÿ˜œ

    • Oh my god, you give me LIFE. I love ya so much I CAN’T EVEN. ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–
      I’m basically dancing in my chair because you’re da best. ๐Ÿ’–

      and I totally agree!! Sticky bun holiday should be like the day before mardi gras! …..unless it…. it already is and I just didn’t understand–oh my god. if it is, that shit is brilliant.

  2. Doubled filling and sauce was a very very clever move!
    By the way… I normally just read the preamble and then skim over the recipe. But I HAVE to read to every single word of your recipes.

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