Raw Vegan Oatmeal

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For the longest time, when I was funemployed right after college I was taking classes for restauranteuring at NYU. Then shit it the fan and now I’m in a very UNglamorous basement working horrible shitty hours, trying to escape {please send help}.

But before all of this, I would meander over to Juice Press when I had no notion that spending $10 or more on a drink was a luxury. Sometimes, when I was feeling like the little hungry gnome that I am, I’d buy their raw vegan oatmeal and split it with my sister, costing our whole excursion of 2 juices and 1 meal item to cost us like $27. Now I’m eating discount skin-on almonds out of a ziplock bag and crying into my Pret A Manger soup lunch. πŸ˜‚πŸ‘

This oatmeal tho. This oatmeal thooooooo. I’ve dabbled in raw vegan desserts before with my strawberry-blueberry cheesecake but lemme tell you, this stuff is something else.
This shit CONVERTS people. Makes them a true believer. For weeks I told my boyfriend I had this really amazing raw oatmeal and the best reaction I’d get is a very kind, polite and slightly disgusted “oh wow, sounds really great.”
I mean, I can’t blame him. To most of the world that isn’t as obsessed as us food bloggers and readers are, cold uncooked hard oats sitting in a vat of cashew cream sounds kind of disgusting.
Then he tasted it, and the fuckin’ angels of heaven came down and made love on his tongue, because I basically had to stop him from inhaling the whole 4 cup container I was keeping of it.

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Believe in me that this stuff is the stuff that makes you go ew gross to WHAT THE FUCK and need to come up for breaths between spoonfuls.

I mashed up two recipes, because making it just following one make it dry like spackle and I wanted this to resemble the source material, of creamy soft yet with a slight tooth kind of oatmeal.

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I have made this shit so many times, that this recipe is actually tried and tested and WILL work perfectly. πŸ‘ Just note that for it to be most delicious you need two days. If you in a rush tho, it will still take at least 4 hours. IT SO WORTH IT THOOOO.

This is all so easily scalable that I was able to do it in my head. Me. the girl who took extra math classes in high school because my public school thought I couldn’t do math without counting on my fingers. I MEAN COUNTING CAN BE HARD

Keep in mind this oatmeal will ONLY work if you have the steel cut oats, like McCann’s or what have you. Any smushed looking quick cooking oats will NOT NOT NOT WORK.

Raw Vegan Oatmeal
Makes 4 cups
Serves as many people can stand around the bowl and eat

Ingredients for Cashew Cream
*2 cups cashews (unsalted or whatever)
*3/4 ~ 1 cup water or almond/rice/hemp/whatever milk!
*~6 majdool dates {or some other affordable sticky sweet dried fruit}
*2 tsp to 1 tbsp vanilla extract

Ingredients for Oatmeal
*1/4 tsp salt
*2 tsp agave nectar/maple syrup {or more if you want it sweeter!}
*2 tbsp coconut flakes
*1 tbsp chia seeds
*1 tbsp flax seeds
*1 tbsp coconut oil, microwaved and melted
*1 cup oats
*fistful of blueberries/strawberries/any berries (optional)

1. grab two big ol’ bowls and scoop your cashews into one. Fill that baby up with enough water that its like 2 inches or more above the cashews. Just drown them like your hopes and dreams. πŸ‘

2. Take your oatmeal and do the same thing.

3. go to bed now kiddies, because these suckers gotta soak up some of that water and plump da fukk up.

1. Get your package of majdool dates and cry into them for being so delicious yet pricey. The salty tears helps tenderize them.

2. But no for real, cut them in quarters and remove the pits. Toss them in the gross ass murkey cashew water. It makes your kitchen smell funky as fuck. Leave your dates to soak for about 30 minutes, or as long as it takes for you to hunt your blender, remove it from the box, put all of the pieces together, and finally plug it in because your mom always puts it away when it’s not in use fuck man now i’m sad at my life i’m 23 help

3. Either drain out the water from the cashew bowl or scoop out the good stuff with your hands because you’re really anal about saving EVERYTHING until you’re done. {Trust me, you don’t need it.} Throw your cashews and your soaked dates into your blender along with whatever your liquid of choice is. I like my regular oatmeal dry like spackle, but when it’s raw and vegan I want this shit wet baby. Raw and wet is my life’s current and constant emotion.

4. Start it to blend. I have a really cool high powered Blendtec that I got for appearing on the Rachael Ray show. YES THIS HAPPENED. So this blender is so sexy it makes anything you put in it as smooth as a professional blender in a restaurant. If your blender can’t handle this, then use the food processor. Whichever you feel like has the sharpest blade, fam.

5. Take our your tan and flecked nut juice how i love my nut juice and pour it into a tupperware of your choice. (We got the fancy ass glass ones because we thought we were too good for glass. Ha! Last laugh is on us, because they’re heavy and we lost the lids.) I used one that’s 6 cups deep so it’s easy to stir.

6. Literally dump all of your ingredients in the bowl and stir. Do the oats last. Mix everything else up first. ✌️

That’s all folks. That’s the whole recipe. Crazy I know.

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I like to call this my “Rejected Title Photo” Photo. Yes, I’m rather clever, can’t you tell?

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I’ve spent a lot of time just like soaking the cashews at night in a bleary-eyed zombie state, mumbling to myself, only to wake up to the weird wet cashew smell, to realize I have forgotten I did it the night before.
It’s like *SURPRISE* almost breakfast. (Because I still have to… ya know, put it together).

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I’ve noticed when I soak the oats, it releases this…….. goopy shit. The water is thick and viscous and I feel kind of pervy dunking my hand in a bowl of soft, warm clear fluid.
But like you GOTTA soak the oats first. I mean, you don’t have have to do anything you don’t want to. Maybe you like your oats kind of chewy? And that’s cool, man. But I like my oats to be…. uhhh I suppose “al dente”. They’re soft enough, but still kind of with a toothy bite.

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Pop some berries on this fucker and you have literally the greatest cold & wet breakfast ever. πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

Excuse me while I cry on my current breakfasts now: 1 banana and 12 skin-on almonds in a ziplock bag.


5 thoughts on “Raw Vegan Oatmeal

  1. I’ve gotta admit I was giving this one a bit of the ol “raw vegan oatmeal eh. That sounds really fucking delish”, but I could like this. It’s kinda like a bircher muesli eh. Yes indeed I may give this a go. OK I will effing eat it. Damn, when did you get so pursuasive???

    • Right??? When I saw it for sale, I was like LOL I’M NEVER GONNA EAT THAT. But let me tell you, my downfall is attractive men and free food samples.
      So I did what any good woman would do, and ate the free sample.
      I have never been the same since. πŸ’–

    • Yessss! Thank you!
      I feel like I have been hand-selected by the raw oatmeal gods in order to peddle this product out to the masses.
      Say no to hot oatmeal friends! Cool soft vegan oatmeal for all!!

      (even though I’m literally nowhere near a vegan. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

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