If it seems like I talk about my boyfriend a lot… you’re absolutely right. I totally do; but he’s so stupidly cute sometimes I can’t help myself.
And plus, if mommy blogs and chit chat all day about their children and inspecting their stools I can talk about dogs, cupcakes and my hairy boyfriend, DAMMIT.
Plus, the main reason why these have had him as such a main character is because at the time these were baked I was living half of the week at his house. Some more family trouble shit had all bubbled to the surface around the same time, and I just kept sleeping over his house from like friday night to monday morning every week. So uh, hey baby if you’re reading this thank you for getting me through that rough patch. 👫 Yo da bomb.com
Okay, so while that guy was away in Texas doing Texas Things (TM) with oil drilling
yes yes i know I was using his house for internet every couple of nights because mine had been forcibly cut out at my house. I applied to lots of jobs, one of them being one of my jobs today! Hooray!
So to thank him for essentially staying in his apartment and eating all of his canned soup he very “delicately” (read: deliberately) asked for a care package. Care package? People actually get those? What the hell bizzaro world have I been living in? Shit, I went to college in New Jersey only an hour from my house. You wanna know what my care package was? When my mother would call me on the phone on a Friday night, and come pick my ass up, and drive my saucy little butt home to save me from the depravity of college.
Well tough shit mom, because I made out with girls. In my panties. In front of shirtless boys. SO HAH.
The current care package situation I had lying in front of me was a curious one. What the fuck do I bake that could last through a bumpy airplane ride? Something that could last the extreme cold or heat on the plane? Something that could make it to Texas in one piece.
I was completely flummoxed. He upped the ante a bit (probably without his knowledge) when he told me that his mother would send him stuff all of the time– baked stuff no less.
Nah-uh motha’fucka. I’m not one to back down from a challenge. If his mom could send him cookies in a ziplock bag, I was gonna send him something AMAZING.
Which also happened to be cookies… in a ziplock bag.
Oh and brownies with some shit mixed in it, so that’s cool, right?
Still trying to keep in spirit of “baking at his house with his equipment” I started baking the cookies at my house, because fuck that noise. Do you know how hard it is to bake without essential tools? I feel like a caveman and a barbarian at an EDM concert, all flailing around and shit.
I did keep some of my baking confined to his house however! I ended up making two desserts, one of which I mashed up two different recipes to make one mega recipe. Why? Why the fuck not, is more like the real question here people!
I took the inspiration of these beautiful Mexican Flourless Chocolate Cookies from reclaiming provincial and instead made them flour-based cookies by following Drool Factor’s regular ol’ (christmas!) chocolate cookie recipe.
Why did I choose to deviate so much and make flour-based cookies? Well, I was a little afraid that the flourless cookies would dry themselves to death in the plane. The last time I made flourless chocolate cookies I made them look like little bird farts. They still tasted real food tho. real good guys.
Also don’t stare too hard at the photos because then you’ll turn into stone like Medusa. Trust me. Currently I am a full stone statue typing. It’s impressive, really.
So while I’ll kind of briefly mention how to make the brownies, this is really about dem CRINKLE COOKIES YO.
Mexican Crinkle Cookies
Serves: Enough to feed your boyfriend and his mexican best friend’s mother.
- 2 cups granulated sugar
- 1/2 dark brown sugar
- 3/4 cup veg oil
- 1 cup cocoa powder
- 4 eggs
- 2 tsp vanilla
- 2 1/3 cups ap flour
- 2 tsp baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- ~1/4 – ~1/2 tsp cinnamon
- ~1/4 – ~1/2 tsp cayenne
- ~1/8 – ~1/4 ancho chili powder
- ~1/8 – ~1/4 nutmeg
Note: If you start all of this at your boyfriend’s house you don’t have to lug (almost) all of your crap to his house!! But even if you DO happen to want to time travel back into the 1800s in terms of baking equipment, know that this is boyfriend’s house-friendly due to it not needing a stand mixer! Or any kind of mixer! Hooray!
- In a large bowl throw together your two sugars together (YOU’RE A GODDAMN REBEL) and add your oil. Start vigorously mixing with a wooden spoon. Add in your cocoa powder to get a lumpy chocolate mess. This is good friends.
- Break your eggs into another bowl and whisk them up, and add your vanilla. Pour this into your master bowl and stir hard until everything is slightly less ugly and incorporated.
- Dirty another bowl (pls no kill me) with your flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, cayenne, chili powder and nutmeg. Start getting really bold and shit, and start playing around with adding WAY more spices than you need. BE WEARY MY FRIEND. THESE COOKIES CAN BE TOO SPICY FOR DESSERT. YES, IT’S TRUE. Fuff all of these dry things together and finally add it to the master bowl and stir that shit around while swirling it prettily and taking photos of it, thus increasing your baking time by infinity.
- Time to pop this sucker into the fridge!! Or if you’re traveling to bake at your boyfriend’s house while he’s gone to harvest his internet, then pack all of your shit up and go there! Either way, it needs to be in the fridge for AT LEAST 1 hour. Best if it’s 2 hours. I ain’t got time for shit like that. I mean damn, it’s already like 8pm when I start baking. When do you want me to finish? At midnight???
- Once you get to your boyfriend’s house, start preheating his doll house sized oven to 350F degrees because it WILL take you 6 million years for the oven to heat up.
- During this heating process, take out your dough and you’ll see how it’s become this really satisfying brown chocolate lump. It’s cool to the touch and isn’t sticky. It’s pretty delicious to just start shoving into your unhinged maw. resist the urge, no matter how strong, friends. Begin to shape this thing into cute little 1″ balls.
- Get out a small shallow bowl, fill it with lots of powder sugar, and start tossing your little cuties into the sugar until they’re all nice and coated! They look so snuggly all wrapped up in that sugar.
- Place them like an inch to two apart on the sheet. They don’t really grow to be honest. Pop them into the oven for 10-12 minutes. You’ll notice them get all puffy! this is okay friends. They start to deflate a little once they cool off. Perfect little cookies for all!
The problem is, I threw in way more, quantity wise, spices into my batter. I kept tasting it and thinking “doesn’t really have that kick” and just kept pouring over cayenne like I was making a dinner, and not cookies. My boyfriend who had his tongue hardened by Southern food for almost 8 years of his life, found my cookies to be too spicy! Too spicy!! He ended up giving them to his Mexican’s best friend mother and when he told me how she actually really liked them, I almost felt more relieved than impressing his parents. I mean shit, I’m a fabulous and wonderful girlfriend, of course his parents gonna like me. An actual Mexican woman enjoying my riff on cookie traditions of her homeland liking my cookies? Now THAT’S impressive.
Like any red-blooded average American Male, my boyfriend seems to have a very soft spot in his heart for boxed brownies. No matter how beautiful, fudgy and sexy I can make brownies from scratch; no matter how single origin and slave-free the chocolate is; no matter what hairy-face always loves his boxed mix.
I didn’t grow up really eating much boxed stuff– now wait! before you go and tut-tut me and roll your eyes and call me spoiled let me put this on the record: yes, yes I was. My mother was into baking when I was a wee human larva, but her own weird kind of baking that involved following half of the box instructions and also kind of making shit up, and everything tasted exactly the same: sugar, lemon and cinnamon. Portuguese people surprisingly don’t eat brownies, because we don’t really have many chocolate desserts to even start off with. So I don’t have fond memories of growing up and eating brownies out of the pan, or even cookies for that matter. I’d eat brownies at the houses of American friends and I recall finding them so fucking dry and chewy.
The idea of brownies seemed so delicious to me, so when I started my baking adventure at the age of 13, I made my own boxed brownies by undermixing them and making them more fudge-like. Since then, no matter how many times I’ve tried to make my own brownies from scratch for parties and shit, nobody and I mean nobody ever likes them as much as the box. Maybe I’m actually a bad baker? Or maybe people are just so married to the one flavor note of boxed brownies, anything else would be heresy. WHATEVER.
To dress up the brownies, so I’m not literally just sending cookies and brownies in a box, I decided why not mix in his favorite stuff ever? Oreos! What more does a white-bread american love than oreos?? Brownies, probably.
I also wanted to put marshmallows in there… but didn’t realize how I actually didn’t have any UNTIL I made up my mind and it was like 8 pm. So I dug around in my pantry and found these old as hell vegan marshmallows. They were so goddamn chewy… in the gross way guys. STILL all baked up and nobody can tell the difference!! There’s your frugal lesson for the day: eat everything until it either smells bad or has mold!