To (not) my grandma’s house we will a-go! (But not really) — Pumpkin Crumb Cake

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What the hell do you bake for an old widowed Lutheran German expat that hates chocolate and believes that cheese-based foods give her headaches? What if I told you you’re her eldest daughter’s eldest son’s ethnic-ass girlfriend and you want to impress the shit out of her, and show her you’re a normal American girl? A cake of course!! Pumpkin can be seen as a peace offering between all languages and barriers, according to The New York Times.

I’m personally not religious but I was brought up catholic… the whole nine-yards too: catholic school and CCD (in portuguese NO LESS), so I’ve read the catholic-flavor bible in TWO languages. My grandmother is secretly salty and angry that my boyfriend was raised Lutheran and not in the beautiful perfect amazing one true jesus-loving religion of Catholicism. I mean, I have to admit I do almost feel bad for christian religions without saints. I mean, shit, in Portugal for like every single saint’s day it’s either a town festival or you get the whole fucking day off!! What do we have here in America? Presidents Day? WTF does that even mean anyway?? not that I’m complaining considering it falls so close to the best holiday ever, my birthday

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So knowing that my grandmother isn’t exactly thrilled my bumblebutt isn’t catholic, I’m just going to go on a limb here and ASSUME neither is his grandmother happy that I was brought up a saint worshiper. JUST A SAFE ASSUMPTION HERE.

This taints everything I do with his family because I so want them to like me, so any time I see any of them I’m on hyper perfect 1st date mode for hours. Do you know how hard it is for me NOT to curse for several hours?????? Or like fart??? Guys, I’m comprised entirely of foul language and flatulence.

Last time I saw the lady it was still summer so I made her a strawberry galette with frozen pie dough, and I hated it so much I’m not even posting it at all. That’s serious considering I post EVERYTHING. It was just so lumpy and small and slightly bitter and ACK. No no.

This time, I actually can’t go visit the lady because I’m stuck peddling wares to unassuming customers who are “just browsing”. I feel kinda bad though. I actually really like her. She’s 80 years old and extremely independent and vivacious. Her husband passed over a year ago, so I have no idea what she was like before, but I can see why my boyfriend has such an appreciation for talkative independent ladies. ahemsuchasmyselfahem

I was suggested to make cookies, but as you’ve all seen on my blog, cookies are typically a no-go for me. For some reason I can’t make good cookies and it makes me ??????? Cookies fucking elude me.
Not exactly sure what it is about their small shape and round size, but the only cookies I made that didn’t suck was actually my Mexican spiced cookies. Now I don’t know if it’s because my boyfriend’s tiny oven did the magic, or maybe the idea of spicing a cookie like it’s a dinner meal confused my monkey brain into thinking I was roasting some pork instead of baking a batch of fire cookies that broke the cookie spell, but I’m not trying cookies again for a while. Nuh-uh.

I settled on a pumpkin strudel sort of cake, because that’s germanic enough, right??

The recipe I ended up using is from Now You Can Pin It! which I admit, this doesn’t seem like a real blog, so if any of you know who the original blogger is, PLEASE let me know so I can give them credit. Everybody deserves credit.

As always, I sexed it up, or rather, uhhh made it more complex and also kind of screwed everything up a little.
Sort of like my daily life here, people. Slightly overspiced and always ignoring instructions.

Pumpkin Crumb Cake



  • 1 3/4 cups ap flour
  • 1 ~ 2 tbsp cinnamon (yes u read that right)
  • 1 tsp nutmeg (that’s me!)
  • 1/2 tsp ground ginger
  • 1/4 tsp ground clove
  • 1/4 tsp ground allspice
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 3/4 tsp salt
  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
  • 1 cup ~ 1 1/4 cup sugar (depends on how sweet u want it man)
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 cup pureed pumpkin (fresh roasted if you’re fancy)
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1/3 cup milk

–“Strudel” Topping

  • ~1 cup flour
  • ~1/2 cup dark brown sugar
  • 1 tbsp cinnamon
  • 1 tsp nutmeg
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, cold

  1. Preheat yo oven to 350F. We need to get this cake nice and roasty toasty broski. Grab any small sized casserole dish. I think mine was like 9×13 or some shit.

  2. Take all of your dry ingredients from flour through salt, and just stir it all together in a side bowl. We will b back 4 u laterz. If your flour doesn’t turn slightly brown, you didn’t put in enough spices and you gotta step your game up, son.

  3. Grab your stand mixer, and with the paddle attachment start creaming that butter with the sugar. God, this is seriously my favorite part. Who doesn’t like crumbly sweet butter? Heathens, that’s who.
    As the sugar beats add in 1 egg at a time until all combined.

  4. With a great and furious plop, plop in the pureed pumpkin along with the vanilla. Delicious.

  5. Dump in the dry stuff in quarters or whatever. As long as it’s getting evenly mixed throughout then u solid. Just don’t overmix it!! Add it all in, and scrape the sides of the bowl until all combined.

  6. Pour the milk in and give it one last good stir.

  7. Pop this bad ass fucka into the oven and let it bake only until it’s just about to set, like 15 minutes or something?? Keep your eye on it.

  8. Now with the strudel, while your fall crap cake bakes, you gotta make the good stuff honey. Get all of your dry shit together and stir it around until mixed in a small bowl.

  9. Get out a pastry blender (it always looks like punching knuckles to me) and just cut your butter up into cubes and punch it the fuck into that mixture. My strudel got kind of hot and mushy. Just like play around with it… you should have it be both buttery and clumpy, just like my body.

  10. Once your cake looks like it has a set top, bring it out of the oven and gently press the strudel into it. Some of it is gonna sink. That’s okay. This is rustic stuff here guys.

  11. Put it back into the oven and bake the cake until it’s fully cooked. Depending on your oven this could be another 10-15 minutes or something like 30 more minutes. Just keep poking around at it with a toothpick. When done, let it cool off to let everything settle.

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    Check out that buttery goodness right there. Just like grandma’s cake.

    …Well, not my grandmother. I don’t even think Portuguese people cook pumpkin into cakes?? Jam yes, cakes??? Err, I need to research this.

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    When you yank this sucker out of the oven, breathe it in. Smell that? That’s the scent of your money not burning on a stupid expensive pumpkin spice candle.
    And you know what makes this even better than a candle? You can actually shove it deep into your unhinged maw.

    You’re welcome. 💋💋💋


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