Hey baby lemme be your Portuguese Milk Tart

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Okay, so I guess these could be called “tarts” or “muffins” if “muffins” to you means “small baked roasty treat popped in your mouth for maximum happiness”. I mean if we’re gonna be throwing “words” around “here” we might as well make this all very “clear”. I make to make sure there’s no room for “misunderstanding”, “capisce”?

I grew up eating these little… nameless things at my godmother’s house. Any time there was a holiday of any sort, these suckers were always there to great me. She would have this large plate with them practically tumbling over waiting for me to pop them into my mouth and kiss me– or something.

Well, sadly as shitty things happen in the world we all grew apart. No heartwarming story here, fellas. Save that for the mommy blogs.

I mean, we’re kind of friendly, but its nowhere near the same. I did go to her son’s wedding, and we sat in the front, and I cried as he exchanged his vows. My “big brother” is finally married, and it felt so strange yet beautiful to see it.

Also I got rip roaringly drunk at his wedding with this younger sister (who is my age, and was my best friend growing up). We both got so drunk I don’t even remember conversations I supposedly had with other people! I think I was trying to charm some mutual friends who had a son who is probably 26 but didn’t attend the wedding. In my piss-drunk brain the idea was if I impressed his mother, somehow she would introduce me to her handsome successful son and we’d fall in love and run into the sunset.

Instead I think I just black outed and bullshitted about my lack of career or my preparedness in life.

So good party???

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Speaking of party, I made these during an impromptu get together with one of my oldest friends who had gotten engaged recently and was shopping for wedding venues. Engaged!! It’s already happening everywhere around me. I’m 23 and every few days I already see people I went to high school with sport diamond rings and kissing photos. It’s goddamn wild. I can’t even get my boyfriend to make us facebook official!

But right, so back to party weekend with my friend. This was during the time my boyfriend went to Boston to visit his family and have bro time with his buds or something. I text my friend and basically invited myself over her apartment for the WHOLE entire weekend. I’m a really good friend guys, and totally not somebody who imposes ever.

But my darling friend being the amazing, wonderful caring and understand woman she is humored me and invited me over and even took me wedding venue shopping with her!! Later that day we ended up ordering thai food and swimming in her neighbor’s pool in the dark while he was away and drank alcohol out of soda bottles.
It was like I finally did all of the shit I should have done in high school but was too much of a big baby chickshit to do. Thanks girl!

During said weekend of shenanigans and the night of the thai food adventure and wedding venue shopping my mother insisted I had to bake something for some pool party she went to or some shit. Me, needing to bake since it had been forever, totally agreed to this. I dragged my friends over my house and they watched me bake while they drank wine. Riveting of course. i am so sorry guys i love u.

I text my godmother who gave me the recipe for her Portuguese mini muffins and that’s how we ended up here.

Before you ask, yes, all of my stories are extremely convoluted.

No recipe link, because this is HOMEMADE AND PASSED DOWN THROUGH GENERATIONS GUYS. This is some food52 shit right here!

Recipe Printable!

Portuguese Mini Muffins

Serves: Your mother and all of her friends (so like at least 24 muffins)


  • 100 grams (~1/3 – 1/2 cups) white flour
  • 400 grams (1 1/3 cups) sugar
  • 1/2 liter (2 cups) milk
  • 4 eggs
  • 50 grams (1/2 stick) butter, melted
  • lots of ground cinnamon
  • a little kiss of ground nutmeg
    Note: In regular Portuguese dessert fashion none of the steps make sense and it seems like you’re doing the wrong thing. Embrace this fear for it will lead you to the path of sugar salvation.

  1. Preheat your oven to 350F. Mix your flour, enough cinnamon (to taste) with your sugar in a large bowl or stand mixer with paddle attachment.

  2. In a smaller bowl combine milk, eggs and melted butter and whisk it until everything is combined.

  3. Pour wet ingredients into dry and mix until evenly incorporated. Do not over mix!

  4. The mixture is gonna look wet and stuff. It shouldn’t be lumpy however! All wet and smooth! Pour all of this into your little tiny mini muffin pans without freaking out over you always missing the cups while your two friends drink wine and talk shit about Kim Kardashian.

  5. Before you pop those little suckers into the oven, sprinkle LOTS of cinnamon on top of teach one!! This is what gives them those little brown bumps on the top ya see in my pictures.

  6. Now bake them for about 25-30 minutes. They should actually come out much more under baked and moist than my pictures show. The middle should be a little raw and doughy. If that ain’t for you, these little babies all fully cooked are just perfect too!
    You want them to have a golden hue to them or else they just kind of look like little yellow cups… or something. Just as ambiguous as their names, I suppose.

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    Oh yeah check out those perfectly unpainted chewed on nails. MMM. Instagram ready here.

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    Look at my cute little babies. muah muah muah! cuties with your little cinnamon topping!

    So, if any of you have any basic understanding of Spanish, or hey, even Portuguese, (we are the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_languages_by_total_number_of_speakers"6th most spoken language in the world) then you’ll see that these are titled “queijadinhas de leite” which literally translates (more or less) into “litte cheeses of milk”. “queijadinha” is a word for a dessert so it’s difficult and not exactly translatable in the way that baguette isn’t “long crusty breadstick” in english.

    Generally speaking, queijadinhas are desserts made with cheese that while originated in Portugal are HUGELY popular in Brazil; more so than in Portugal actually. I’m not even sure I’ve ever had a real queijadinha! I mean probably but I can’t remember. ๐Ÿ˜ณ

    These have the designation of “leite” tacked on to the end because they’re made with milk.

    BASICALLY all Portuguese desserts are really sweet and really simple. For some reason we’re a national that eats a shit ton of desserts during snack time, we sure as hell don’t really have a lot of variation between any of them and many of the desserts are like 10 ingredients or less! So different than more traditionally American desserts like a simple frosted cake where you have 15 or more ingredients for just the cake!! Then the buttercream, depending on how fancy, will be either just butter and sugar or it can have so much more in it!

    So what I’m tryin’ to get here at is, do you like your desserts to be sweet, delicious and fast? Follow me and let me be your guide into Portuguese dessert land. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

    …..Except this is the only one I have for a little while! Ack! Sorry!


10 thoughts on “Hey baby lemme be your Portuguese Milk Tart

    • Yes!! Yes!! I’m assuming you’re pretty close in age to me. I see weddings all this year and in 2 years it’s gonna be squirting screaming babies and babyshowers ๐Ÿ˜ญ

      Bake themmmmm. And eat through your pain. It’s what I do and has no consequences whatsoever! ๐Ÿ˜„


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