Portuguese Size Queen — Large Portuguese Custard Tart

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Since I bake everything in real-time and eat everything almost immediately, it’s a little difficult for me to always be timely with seasonal desserts. I like to call this “authenticity”. Ya know, to cover up for the “laziness” in typing.

Remember how my last post was written about how I haven’t really seen my godmother? SURPRISE TWIST: I wrote that post forever ago, and guess what! We now cool again. How fun right? We so cool we even got to go to her house for thanksgiving. She made this… dinosaur of a fucking turkey.

You wanna know how ethnic you are? Here, I’ve broken it down by how your turkey is acquired:

  • Got your turkey for free through your supermarket points system? — American as hell
  • Got a frozen turkey? — Blurred lines here
  • Fresh turkey? — If your turkey is a “heritage” breed, you’re american. If you picked it up at your local chicken butcher? Ethnic
  • Your godmother bought baby turkeys 6 months ago, raised them and had her husband kill them himself? — DING DING DING U WIN THE GAME

Yes. Our turkey this year was as farm raised as they come: grown right on her front yard.

Her husband claims that he had no idea that the turkey they killed was so large. It’s like WAY over 30 pounds. It’s like the size of a small pig for christ’s sake.

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS THING

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Also, see that stuffing? I made the best leftovers with that shit right there. MMM. It’ll be up on my instagram. ๐Ÿ˜˜

So I went to go and bake at a family friend’s house, because she’s a lovely woman and a lovely cook.

I kind of had NO plan of what to make this year. Last year I THINK I baked up a storm, but you wouldn’t know… because I stopped blogging around that time. UGH! No more will this happen.

As a last minute ditch attempt, many moons ago when I used to date a horrible bag of mayonnaise of a guy (not bitter, he’s just totally evil) she suggested we make this jumbo version of a traditional portuguese dessert, pastel de nata.

What is a pastel de nata, you ask? Well, it’s got all of the sex appeal of a creme brulee, AND THE CONVENIENCE OF BEING CARRIED AND EATING IT’S CONTAINER. It’s got that same kind of custardy eggy sort of deliciousness that makes a creme brulee one of the most quintessential of desserts and all of the perfect crunchy beauty of a crisp mille feuille exterior.

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The dessert originated in the Belem part of Lisbon. Or something like that. Every recipe is different. Typically you serve them warm from the oven with cinnamon on top of it.

Best part about this dessert? You can seriously eat it any fucking way you want: hot, cold, room temp? ALL GOOD. This applies to the jumbo size you’re gonna be making!

So, typically here is where I would link the recipe and you get to see how far I have fallen from the gorgeous work of better baking bloggers than I but this time I CAN’T!
The recipe is just hearsay from another random individual that my friend happened to have just written down in her little notebook!

Check this shit out here.

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This is as legit as it gets guys. And if you can’t read it? Err, well, I can barely read it either.

Cursive is so damn hard to read now after years of training my eyes to read the cold unloving gaze of sans serif fonts.

So we ready kids? We ready.

Recipe Printable!! Now with easier to read, not verbose instructions!


Full Sized Pastel De Nata

Ingredients:

  • 6 egg yolks
  • ~1 cup (200g) sugar
  • ~2 cups (1/2 liter) milk
  • whole peel of 1 lemon
  • 2 tablespoons of cornstarch
  • ~10 sheets filo dough, defrosted
  • 1/4 stick butter, melted
  1. Preheat your oven to 350F so it can be nice and roasty for your tart. You need the oven to be HOT so the dough doesn’t burn. You do want the custard to burn a little though. I know, I know, bear with me people.

  2. In a medium-ish pot combine your egg yolks, sugar, milk, and lemon peel. Cook it while stirring until it boils. Once it boils add in your cornstarch and let it simmer until it gets thick.
    The custard will continue to thicken after you take it off the heat! No worries baby!!

  3. While your custard is cooling off, now is the SLAM JAM fun part. Get your defrosted dough and 2 kitchen towels. Wet the 2 towels and strain out ALL of the liquid. Slap one on the table, and unroll your dough into it.

  4. Remove all of the plastic and other packaging crap and slap your perfect raw dough onto the wet towel. Place the other one on top of it. You gotta keep these suckers wet and moist or else they basically CRUMBLE like paper.
    Assholes.

  5. In during the whole next process step here, keep lifting and laying down the top wet towel as you peel away another sheet. KEEP. THEM. MOIST.
    So take 1 sheet off the top, placing it in a fluted false-bottom tart pan and brush it with the conveniently melted butter you have next to you. Make sure that the first nub of butter you melted slips out of your hands, bowl and all, crashing into the floor, spilling scalding hot butter all over your cute ass dress causing your older lady friend to frantically pick up the pieces and clean up burning butter from her floor. this is an important step.
    It establishes dominance against your dough.

  6. Err so okay. Peel out another sheet and lay in the opposite direction, sort of like if you were sorting papers without paper clips. Brush that sheet and apply another. Keep going for like 10 or so sheets. I wouldn’t do more than 15, because you seriously do not need that many guys. C’mon.
    BE SURE TO NOT BUTTER THE LAST TOP SHEET

  7. You’re gonna have a lot of overhang, man. Cut off most of it, leaving just enough to stick up and look all frilly and cute. Butter those frayed edges.

  8. Pour in your custard right into the center of it. Stick that sucker in your pipping hot oven.

  9. KEEP YOUR EYE ON IT. It’s really hard to give you an appropriate baking time since your oven might toast the custard at a wildly different time than mine. I did it for… 20 minutes?? But halfway through I had to pull it out and cover the dough because it was already burning!

  10. Let it cool off for about 10 or so minutes before you chain chomp right into it.

Just so you all know, this little baby can be served hot, cold, or even room temperature!!
Who would have thunk us Portuguese people can be both flaky and easy!!

Errr. Wait. That’s not–

Oh fuck it, whatever.

Put some cinnamon on the top and drink it with instant espresso so you too can feel like true Eurotrash!!! Like me!

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Egg yolks waiting to be whisked into something delicious and lovely
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Us Portuguese girls like thick… custards. What! What did you think I was gonna say? Jesus people.
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Here we have a wild Large Pastel De Nata with smaller Pasteis de Natas. While they look similar, do not confuse them for the same exact species. They taste very similar, and use the same family and order name, they are unique.

So go forth, my friends! Make big Pasteis de natas! Make little ones! Make anything in between! And when you serve it to your friends, make sure you get cool points by pointing out how it’s a popular Portuguese dessert that’s similar to a creme brulee, but you’ve probably never heard of it.

Who’s ready to start the Hipster Renaissance of Portuguese desserts? Me! Me! I am!

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8 thoughts on “Portuguese Size Queen — Large Portuguese Custard Tart

  1. I do not know how I got a hold of my first Portugese tart, and I didn’t even know what it was at the time. Of course it was one of the best things I ever ate and for years I asked around and looked through books until I finally saw a pic and was like THAT’S IT!! So I started making them (this was pre-internet) – See, not many people from Minnesota make these so they are few and far between!

    But one GIANT Portugese tart! From you!! And made how it should be made! Wow!!

    • Oh wow!! I’m so impressed and happy that the little pastel de nata traveled all the way to Minnesota! That’s amazing!! Portuguese immigrants just happened to miss the middle of America. They chose East and West coast, and nestled happily there.

      I’m so so so happy you’ve had them before! And thank you SO much for your incredibly sweet comment! You made me week.

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