Christmas Sappiness — Eggnog Cranberry Rum Cheesecake

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I like to view myself as a little duckling hatching in relation with learning how to work in an office — a real office in Manhattan, no less.

Think of it this way: I went from working as a waitress, doing paperwork for the family business, retail (still currently there, ugh), and things of the sort. I mean, I majored in small business in school! I went through 4 years of college education thinking I would NEVER be caught dead in an office.

“Office Life is not for me!” I’d boldly proclaim in my entrepreneurial classes, much to the happy approval from my peers.
You see, I would go on to say that movies like Office Space deterred me from office life during my impressionable teen years… except I never saw the damn movie.

Yea, u heard me. I’m like the most film inept human being ever.
Also, I founded the Film Club in my high school, and was the Vice-President in college.

America’s school system at its finest, guys!

SO yeah, back to office life.

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I succumbed. Recent family life disruptions left me with no option but to reevaluate my life choices, I came to the conclusion that shit I need a job, man.

And thus the hunt began.

Well, here I am: in an office, and LOVING OFFICE LIFE. I mean, shit guys, I even used #officelife IN AN INSTAGRAM POST to talk about my work lunch.

Who am I?? Who is this new person??? Let me tell you, much happier. Offices fucking rock. Sure, having to answer to Higher Powers That Be all of the time really cramps my style, man… But it’s seriously fun to work with other people!

It’s so fun, WE EVEN HAD AN OFFICE HOLIDAY PARTY, HOLLA!

Our office administrator asked us all if anybody wanted to bring anything in to snack on.
“Hey do you want to bake something for the off-”
“YES!!” I blurted before she even finished. My boss laughed, she laughed, we all laughed. This was a goddamn heartwarming Hallmark Christmas Movie Moment.

I asked my hairy-face smooshball pumpkin head boyfriend what I should, ya know, bake for the Holiday Office party. Seeing as he is 26 and a Mr. Professional Office Guru, I figured he would have some answers for me.
“You know, I was thinking of baking up this… rum cranberry eggnog cheesecake.”
“Er, why would you bake something to complicated? Just make brownies!” He beamed at me, cheesy as my soon-to-be confectioned cake.
“Uh, baby, that’s not Christmas-y.”
“Well! Then crush some peppermints in it! Instant Christmas!” he continued to smile at me, much to my chagrin.

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I mean, secretly I just wanted him to agree with me, dammit! Let’s be real, I never wanted his opinion on this matter anyway. ๐Ÿ˜‚ It’s like when I ask anybody for advice: I don’t actually want your advice, I just want you to agree with me so I can continue to make mistakes! C’mon friends! This is how adulting works!

To absolutely nobody’s surprise at the office, I, Nutmeg, the Crazy Bitch(TM) that I am, showed up with a dessert that basically nobody but people working for Bon Appetit or Martha Stewart Living, would ever show up with.

In I come on a train that had to be DIVERTED TO FUCKING HOBOKEN and then take the PATH to work!! My commute went from a sleepy 45 minute ride to me strolling into work like an hour and a half late. Thanks train system!!

During that harrowing, absolutely life changing experience, I docu-drama’ed the whole thing via snapchat to my friends, only to receive a message from my boyfriend saying “jesus you make everything in your life such a trip”.
Yes, darling. Yes I do.

ANYWAY. Cheesecake survived. I was so excited to eat the damn thing, I barely accomplished anything more than grabbing lunch and rearranging the cranberries in the tupperware I carried them in.

Greatest success of the day? It wasn’t my two bosses gushing over how amazing this cheesecake was, (which, don’t get me wrong, it basically brought me to tears) it was my CEO who barely eats anything to admit she took a spoonful of the cheesecake and it was “good”.

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

Original recipe from With the Grains. Normally I cry about how my creations never look as good as the original… well, I THINK I’VE DONE IT THIS TIME GUYS.

Note: I also heavily edited the recipe. Not because the original recipe is wrong— quite frankly, it looks perfect. I updated it, because I don’t have like 2/3rds of those ingredients. ๐Ÿ˜‚ That’s just me!

Printable Recipe!!


Eggnog Cranberry Rum Cheesecake
Serves: everybody in your 13-person office, with enough for secret snack munching the next day

Brownie Crust Ingredients:

  • 6 tbsp ap flour
  • 1 1/2 tbsp baking cocoa powder
  • 1/8 salt
  • 1/2 cup bittersweet baking chocolate, chopped
  • 1/4 cup {1/2 stick yo} butter, plus more 4 pan butterin’
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup molasses
  • 1 egg

Crust Instructions

  1. Preheat yo oven to 350F, and butter yo springform pan. Use 9-inches if u please.

  2. Pull out your stand mixer, and with the paddle attachment, mix together your flour, cocoa powder, and salt. It looks like a very, very small amount. DO NOT PANIC. This is just the crust. Don’t let the Portuguese Woman Portioning logic take over your brain and send it into overdrive, causing you to feel like you’re going to starve your guests. I promise you, those people will EAT EVERYTHING and it WILL be enough.

  3. Now the fun part! Get out your small dessert pot and punch at a chocolate bar enough times until you can configure 1/2 cup. I think I used one of those thin Ghirardelli bars and it happened to be enough?? Throw your punched up chocolate into your pot along with your butter. Simmer that shit on medium low if you’re impossibly impatient such as myself. Just don’t burn anything, okay?

  4. Once melted, add in the sugar and the molasses and mix away! Put it to the side to cool off.

  5. Crack your egg into your stand mixer, and mix that lightly with the dry shit, and then add your vanilla. Don’t overmix!!!

  6. Pour in your warm-ish chocolate into your stand mixer bowl, and NOW mix to your heart’s content.

  7. Pour it into your WELL BUTTERED PAN. Trust me. I underbuttered mine because I’m a lazy thrifty hoe and I ended up having the brownie sticking to the pan instead of coming out with the cake. ๐Ÿ˜’ Let me tell u though, it made cleaning the stupid pan incredibly fun. I just considered the bits I shoved into my mouth as a baker’s tax.

  8. Bake your brownie bottom for like 15 – 20 minutes, or until that looks baked. Remember, it’s gotta go into the oven AGAIN. If anything, mine was slightly underbaked.
    ***Keep that oven on guys. we got more to do!

—————

Cranberry Eggnog Cheesecake Filling Ingredients:

  • 24 oz cream cheese {3 packages}
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 cup eggnog!!
  • 4 tbsp OR MORE RUM!!!
  • 3 tbsp ap flour
  • ~1 tsp ground nutmeg {that me}
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • ~1 to 2 cup cranberry sauce, homemade or store bought

Cheesecake Filling Instructions

  1. In your stand mixer that you lovingly just washed (with your tongue) out the chocolate brownie batter from, add in the 3 packages of cream cheese, and the sugar. Beat that sucker up with the paddle attachment. You can let that baby whir for, like, ever I’ve noticed.

  2. Once you’re sufficiently bored from watching your stand mixer beat the shit out of that poor cream cheese, add in your eggnog and rum. Here would be the point in time where I would advise for you not to drink the rum, because then you’ll be drunk… fuck it! Drunk the fucking rum! Dance with your nips out! It’s the end of the year BABY!

  3. In your drunken tiddy swinging haze, add in your two eggs. The key here is to not, I repeat not overmix your batter. I usually but the stand mixer on super low, and mix until there is just streaks of yellow left. If you overmix your cheesecake WILL puff and CRACK.
    Crack is whack, guys.

  4. With the streaks of yolk still pulsing through your batter, add in your flour, nutmeg, and vanilla extract. Very lightly mix it. Seriously. I usually end up kind of folding in the rest flour. We want a HYPER just-barely-there mixed kind of batter. This prevents your cheesecake from doming and a whole shitload of issues.

  5. While you’re still swigging from the rum, attempt to pour half of the batter into the cheesecake pan. Now get out your cranberry sauce {mine was homemade during these shenanigans, but since this recipe has already THREE parts to it, I didn’t want to add another FOURTH part. It’s just literally sugar, water and cinnamon stick in my sauce} and kind of just plop the sauce in the batter. I ended up getting a knife and attempting to make a pretty swirl, and failed.

  6. Pour the rest of the batter right on top of the cranberry red mess of an unholy demon you created, and smooth out the top.

  7. READY FOR THE FUN PART? Now, get out a big enough casserole dish and place the cheesecake pan in it. Now pour water into the dish, until the water comes halfway up the springform pan. I use boiled water so that it is SUPER hot. maybe it cooks it better, I dunno?

  8. The best thing about cheesecake is, you can basically leave it alone for the first 45 minutes of baking. Just put the timer on, and assuming you have the right temp, you can STRAIGHT UP walk away from it.
    The bad? You HAVE TO WATCH IT LIKE A HAWK during the last 15 or so minutes. You can tell when it’s done, when you can shake the pan and only the center jiggles a little. It will finish cooking during the cool down period, promise!

  9. Let the sucker chill while you move onto the FINAL STEPS. Transfer to the fridge until the end.

—————

Sugared Cranberries Ingredients:
Note: I’m going to edit it to make half of the amount that I used. I felt like a whole bag was kind of wasteful. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s STUNNING with a whole entire bag of cranberries! I used half and I still think it came out lovely! If you want to use the whole bag, just double it. ๐Ÿ˜„

  • 6 oz {half bag} cranberries
  • 1 cup water
  • 1/2 cup molasses
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 1/4 cup agave
  • 1/4 cup sugar

Sugared Cranberries Instructions:

  1. Bring out a stainless steel dessert pot. Trust me, you’re gonna need it. Shit is about to get stickay in here.

    In your pot, combine all of the ingredients. Stir it around, and bring it to a VERY low simmer. You want to have the heat get to the point of where you start to hear a pop or two of cranberries, BUT NO MORE. You want them to be whole.

  2. Now is the interesting part. You can either leave them in the sugared water in the fridge overnight, or you can get to this step frantically realize that you don’t have enough time and just leave it in the fridge for 2 hours. Good enough??
    Leaving it overnight will infuse the berries better, but honestly? I found that it kind of works just as well with less time!

  3. Once they’ve chilled enough in the fridge, you’ll want to scoop them out by the handful and just dump them without the syrup, onto a pan. Reserve the syrup for future desserts~~ Keep an eye out for those, babes.

  4. Let your wet berries dry for a little. I think I had them drying for like 35 minutes or so? I got kind of impatient. I waited until they looked dry enough. Sort of a bad idea, because I made clumps WHOOPS. If you want clump free berries, wait an hour.

  5. Roll the dried berries through the sugar, and let them dry for an unspecified amount of time. Seriously, I just kind of had them rolling around overnight on a pan outside the fridge and they FINE.

—————

Assembly of the masterpiece

  1. Once you’re ready to put this beauty of a dessert together, remove it from the ring, and take your cranberries and just arrange them in a little mountain. You done!

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Ok, I will admit I was kind in love with photos of this damn thing. LET ME LIVE.
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Here’s da money shot.

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And my favorite? Catching some of the faces of my co-workers. I love it! I had such a great time, I left the party sloshed on rose and red wine, tripping my way down to the train station, high on Christmas Jubilee.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and don’t forget to get riggity riggity wretched this New Year. ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜

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7 thoughts on “Christmas Sappiness — Eggnog Cranberry Rum Cheesecake

  1. Oh my goodness me you never fail to make me laugh!! I lovelovelove your writing and your cheesecake looks very very professional, nice one gal. Those cranberries photograph so well! And you’re working in an office AND enjoying it? So grown up. You’re my new role model.

    (Also totally thought that mango butter at the top was actual mango butter until i zoomed in. For a moment was super excited that two great loves had been combined..)

    • Oh my gosh your comment basically made me cry! Thank you!!! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜˜

      Yes! I have a real position and a promotion coming soon so that’s exciting!!

      And LOL don’t feel so bad! My mother was like “mango butter?? Is that disgusting??” She thought I was eating mango flavored butter ๐Ÿ˜‚

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