The 100 Follower Post!!!! — Chocolate Glazed “Doughnuts”

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Ok, so you’re all gonna laugh, but I’ve been honestly planning on what to do for my 100 followers post back when I was only at like 70. I peaked at 70 for a good long while — figures that going on a blogging hiatus for several months would cause some problems. A-duh! Right?

Well, right. Now that I know that.

I started this blog back in July 2014 in a moment of sheer madness. I felt aimless, lonely, and just bored. My life was kind of all over the place as a funemployed millennial suffering from ennui. It seemed as if everything I had ever known was going to be derailed, the potential for the worst that I figured would never happen, did.

tl;dr – Was living la vida loca.

Now? Now I’m on an interesting strange path that I never figured I’d be on. Things aren’t still where they need to be, but they’re looking up. Yes, having two jobs because not making enough money at each is really terrible. Stretching yourself thin gets to even the strongest willed people, ya know?

Over the course of 2015, and into 2016 this blog has kind of been a constant. Who knew baking up ugly little misshapen & poorly frosted blobs of sugar could bring somebody so much happiness???? The fact that people actually enjoy reading my misadventures makes me feel so humble and thankful. Me, the wordy never-shuts-up-eats-her-feelings Nutmeg, can’t even articulate properly rn! I needed to make this some sort of big THANK YOU……

And what better way to celebrate having 100 new friends than a doughnut party?

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DOUGHNUTS 4 PRESIDENT

The doughnuts I was looking for was something that wouldn’t be yeast based, since I kind of sort of wasn’t up for waiting for 3 hours for my doughnuts. I want to shove them into my face in as little time as possible, and waiting for 2 rounds of proofing was NOT gonna do it.

So I hunted until I found this recipe from Handle the Heat for these cute little cakey donuts!

With less baking time, I’d surely have more time to just shove fried dough rings right into my unhinged maw, right??

Well, let me tell you, it still took me longer than I thought… and not only that, I so catastrophically changed the recipe by totally forgetting the buttermilk, that when I was trying to roll out the dough, and couldn’t figure out what was wrong, I added more butter.
Yes, I solve my baking problems in the greasiest, heart stopping way possible.

So I’ll give you my recipe and how I made them, but keep in mind, they’re gonna be kind of really different than what you probably expected.

The best way to describe my “doughnut” madness? Think of it like a DEEP FRIED SWEET BISCUIT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE. I basically made a flaky, buttery, crumbly biscuit in the shape of a donut, and holy shit, this is heaven.

I’m currently eating them as I type this guys (!!!!). That’s how serious I am about this.

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YES, OKAY, adding the milk would have made the “donut” totally different but you know what? As long as whatever comes out of kitchen is edible and tasty, I don’t give a fuck about what it’s really supposed to be. πŸ˜‰

Disclaimer: These are basically NOT donuts and more like biscuits. Delicious chocolate covered deep fried biscuits. KEEP THIS IN MIND!

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Chocolate Glazed Cake “Doughnuts”

Ingredients for “doughnuts”

  • 4 1/2 cups ap flour
  • 4 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp nutmeg {that me!}
  • 3 large eggs, room temp
  • ~1 cup granulated sugar
  • 2 tsp vanilla
  • ~6 – 7 tbsp butter, melted
  • veg oil for fryin’!!
  1. Get out your largest bowl, and combine the flour, baking powder, salt and nutmeg! Just kind of stir it around a little. I think I used the knife I was leveling with. Keepin’ it real guys.

  2. In your stand mixer, beat your eggs and sugar together until they get all pale and shit. If you look at it and think “this is pale enough” you’re wrong. It’s like 5 minutes at least!! My impatient brain keeps thinking it’s been 5 minutes when it’s really been like .34532 seconds. Either way, beat in dat vanilla bro.

  3. NOW HERE IS WHERE I MADE IT INTO BISCUITS. Add in your flour and butter, alternating until you get a thick dry dough. It’ll be crumbly and at no point in your brain will you think “why is this dough for doughnuts so crumbly like a pie dough?”. You will mush through it and keep baking because you are like a horse with blinders on your face — motivated by nothing but ass spanks CARROTS. Yes. Carrots.

  4. Since it’s winter and shit, cover your bowl and put it in the garage until you’re done prattling about, which should be 30 minutes of scrolling through your facebook feed while brain dead.

  5. Since I hate cleaning up flour, make some sort of easy-to-clean barrier surface using a large dish towel, and a pan-sized silpat. Flour up that sucka instead. See? Easy barely-any-clean-up mess. Stick with me kid, and you too will be ruining your recipes and making shit up as you go along.
    Once your surface is floured, start putting some of the crumble dough onto your mat, and keep thinking about how this dough totally makes sense for a fluffy doughnut. Never ever question your actions. It’s how you grow as both a baker and a person.

  6. I realized since the dough was so crumbly, I had to roughly kneed it, but only for a minute or so. Just to kind of pick up all of the pieces into a solid lump, so it could be rolled out. I rolled them out to about less than half an inch thickness? Perfect size for actual small doughnuts and tasty little biscuit cookies! Come on guys!

  7. You can grab your donut cutter, OR you can do what I did, which was use a wide mouthed Luso Portuguese water cup, and some tiny little stamp cap with Minnie Mouse stickered on it.
    Look, it works, okay?

  8. Just start stamping the shit out of them; making the bigger circle first and then the mini (pun SO INTENDED) inside circle. You’ll notice that because what you’re really making is biscuits and you’re in denial over it, that the dough sometimes sort of cracks when you make the inner circle. Well, the remedy for that would be to have a little bit of tap water near you, and you dip your finger in the water and sort of moisten the crack and glue it back together.
    If anybody ever told you that baking is glamorous and effortless, including me, they all lied to you.

  9. I like to lay all of the cut ones on a floured pan until I’m ready to fry them up. Once those suckas have been cut, grab your cast iron pot, pour at least 2 to 3 inches of your favorite corn oil, stick a thermometer in it, and get ready to FRY BABY FRY.
    But first wait until your temp reaches at least 350. I usually wait until 365, because this way by the time I put in the cold dough, the temp drops to the right place. πŸ˜‰

  10. You’ll notice as you’re frying them, they don’t puff up, because, once again we are making biscuits. My brain still did not comprehend this, and got extremely confused and annoyed. How? How?? HOW????? How were these not working?? My brain frizzled and poppepd like the donut biscuits I was cooking. The smell of fried oil corn further increase brain intoxication and confusion.
    Since they don’t rise in any way, you sort of just fry them until they’re golden brown. Place those hot hot hot little babies on a plate with a paper towel so they can drain off their sins.

Ingredients for Chocolate glaze
Note: I’m sure the original recipe’s glaze is amazing and to die for. I’m just cursed by the chocolate gods into always breaking my ganaches. If somebody would like to contact an astrologer and break my curse, a la Nancy Reagan, lemme know, thanks.

  • ~1 cup powdered sugar
  • ~3/4 cup cocoa powder
  • ~1 tsp espresso powder
  • ~1/2 cup milk, whole is best but honestly whatevs
  1. Get out a small bowl, and just start pouring in powdered sugar in there. Once you add in the milk, this is gonna deflate faster than sauteing spinach, so keep that in mind.

  2. Add in your cocoa powder and the tiny smidge of espresso powder, and quickly stir it together.

  3. The fun part! add in just a little bit of milk, and stir furiously until it’s combined before you decide to thin it out with more milk. You want the consistency to be thick and pourable.

  4. Taste it! Is it good? Dip away! Is it not chocolately enough? Add more chocolate powder and mix! The powder is a bitch to mix, because it doesn’t dissolve right away like powdered sugar, BUT HEY. Think of it this way, you just made easy ass chocolate glaze! No tears produced at any point either! This is a real high selling point for me, tbh.

  5. Dip your biscuit donuts right into the glaze and wiggle it around a little. Pull them out, shake it off and place them to drip dry on a wire rack sitting inside of a pan. This way all of the little chocolate dots get caught and NO MESS MA!!!!

  6. SPRINKLE IT UP! For fun. I mean, who doesn’t like sprinkles on their donuts?

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    Gritty over exposed dark photography? Or shitty over exposed dark photography? My liberal arts minor tells me it’s just misunderstood work

    You’d think at this point I’d notice something wasn’t up. Nope! Isn’t living in denial just bliss?

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    πŸŽ‰πŸ’ƒπŸŽŠ

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    The munchkins came out so cute, okay??? I couldn’t help myself!!

    Setting up this scene was easily the most fun and stressful I’ve ever done. The patio was slippery and smarty-cookie me goes outside in flip flops and a coat, slipping my ass away to the table, some of the cookies fall and BREAK, some lose some sprinkles.
    I hold a vigil for the fallen ones… by eating them.

    Oh, by the way, after I fried up these little fuckers and I glazed them my mother commented “These look like cookies”.
    “Look mom, you have no idea what you’re talking about, these are donuts, okay? DOUGHNUTS DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!”

    The following day, hairy-face mcgee shows up and takes one bite and looks at me “Why are these biscuits deep fried and covered in chocolate?”

    OH FUCK IT I GIVE UP!

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3 thoughts on “The 100 Follower Post!!!! — Chocolate Glazed “Doughnuts”

  1. Happy 100 followers!!! This is how all great food discoveries are made (like potstickers…or tarte tatin, right?), making a bit of a mistake and then ending up with something different. Something cool…like deep fried biscuits! That aside, they look great, they sound delicious and really are a perfect way to celebrate 100 bloggy friends.
    I’m so glad you started your blog when you did πŸ™‚ and best of luck for future blogging!

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