Valentine’s Day is whenever I want — Creme Brulee Cupcakes

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When I was in college, I used to date this horrid person. This isn’t the wah-wah-wah of a bitter ex, oh no, this is the musings of an emotionally abused woman.

Yeah. BOMBS DROPPED on the first line of a Valentine’s day post, huh? Well, it’s true. I was emotionally abused for almost 3 years. I got to experience myself go from this bubbly, frothy, easygoing sort of girl into this clammy, dead-eyed shell of a human. You all know how much I love to curse, along with talk about dicks and cake in the same breath. Well, that person did not exist in my early 20s.

My EARLY 20s!!! When it SHOULD be all dicks, cakes, and booze. No, I spent them going to history seminars, boring musty museums, pretending I was some ulta conservative republican and crying alone in my room at night when he was asleep. Looking at old photos, damn was I SKINNY. But why? At what cost? As he grew more and more rotund (double chin turning into triple chins, button shirts almost bursting) I kept shrinking in my clothes due to having developed a minor eating disorder.
Don’t get me wrong, I ate. Everybody saw me eat. I never skipped a meal.
I just… ate so little I’d go to bed eating rice cakes and tears at midnight just so I don’t have to be hungry anymore. And it still wasn’t enough. He’d pinch my stomach roll, and call me fat. He told me I had big ugly hips, and my butt was too large. During sex, he would make comments about my weight and I’d cry while he laughed and kept going.

I kept dating him for almost 3 years until he cheated on me, and I exploded and left. I never felt more alone in my life.

I urge people to look closely at the words of your partners. There are signs everywhere, we just don’t see them when we’re in it. There’s a particular memory from our 2nd Valentine’s day. The first one, I made these cute ass heart sugar cookies with pink royal icing. Since we had just started dating, he was super nice and sweet about them.

Our second Valentine’s Day a year later? I made chocolate truffles from scratch and rolled them in nuts, nonpareils, and cocoa powder. Keep in mind, I was suffering an outbreak at my school of the Norovirus while I made these. I was puking, and still thinking about him.
I bought little paper liners, got a little box, and set them up so cute that I uploaded a photo on my facebook to brag celebrate.

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In all of it’s Blackberry camera quality glory

I mean, look at the little fuckers! They lumpy, but they cute. πŸ˜‹πŸ˜ Since we were only 20, I brought a bottle of Pellegrino PLUS some extra gift I bought him or something. Shit man, I was feeling like Girlfriend of The Year!!

I bring them over, super excited to give these to the person I so madly loved! …only to have him be totally uninterested and completely unimpressed. He gobbled them up while complaining that they were too dark, tasted bad, and how he didn’t want to eat them. He drank the bottle of Pellegrino by himself on his dorm bed and we did nothing.

The next day he posts this gem in response to my gift:

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LOL WUT. Wow bro. You don’t notice how mean this shit is until you’re anxiously cleaning out your facebook 4 years later!! Honestly the only reason I even liked that comment is because I am a major asskisser, plain and simple. Brown-noser extraordinaire. It’s something that was bred into me along with my love of garlic rice.

This year? I have a different boyfriend. He’s cool and stuff, and I like him a lot. He makes me laugh, and mostly respects me. We have a lot of differences, particularly in how we like to spend our time, but we somehow always figure it out.

Recently, he’s upset me beyond words. He’s hurt me with his actions to a point that all of the nice things I had planned for him, I ultimately canceled. I just did not care to impress him anymore.

While I’m still recovering from the garbage he’s done to me recently, I’m starting to realize a lot of things: relationships are fraught with complexities, and cannot be viewed just one way. In my last relationship I was abused, but in this one, despite the shit we’re going through now, I still care about him.

I’ve also let my guard down a lot, so let me tell you, maybe being heartbroken isn’t so bad. 😜

Because I originally had planned this great big boyfriend-friendly dessert feast, I decided, fuck this I’m making what I want, and if he doesn’t like it, it’s not my problem!

Very thoughtful, I know.

(Spoiler: he loved it anyway. ☺️😊😍)

What’s the most romantic dessert ever? Creme brulee OF COURSE. You can crack into that sugar, and share that shit while drinking wine over candle light. I mean who doesn’t love a fuckin custard dessert covered in burnt sugar??? Seriously?? It’s creamy, sweet and delicious!

But I wasn’t going to make a creme brulee, oh no my friends, I was gonna shoot big, I was going to make Creme Brulee Cupcakes!

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Now, keep this in mind, I’ve made these before, once, so I already had an idea of how I was gonna change them around. 😏

The original recipe is from the forever picture perfect The Baker Chick. I probably should I have just followed her decorating ideas, since it would be easier than what I did… but it’s not Nutmeg and her crazy baking shenanigans if I’m screwing something up now, is it??

This is a filled cupcake with a pastry cream on top with burnt glass sugar. How can a dessert get more luscious than this??? Maybe if it came with a handsome chiseled man feeding it to you. I mean, lets be real here guys.

Also I doubled it, because if there is something I most certainly am, it’s a gluttonous portuguese woman.

What? You just expected one cupcake to be enough for me? I mean there’s a reason why I call myself that cake eating bitch. ✌️


Creme Brulee Cupcakes
Makes 24

Even though the recipe assumes you make the cupcakes first, I advise to make the pastry cream first so it has time to cool off.

Ingredients for Pastry Cream Filling:
Note: This makes extra!!! (I mean not that much extra)

  • 4 cups whole milk
  • ~12 tbsp cornstarch {maybe use a little less? Mine was too thick}
  • ~1 cup sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 8 egg yolks {YES U READ THAT RIGHT}
  • 4 oz butter {1 whole stick, yeh}
  • 4 tsp vanilla
  • Pinchy pinch of salt
  1. Let yourself be lazy and just fill half up of a measuring cup, and dissolve all of the cornstarch in there. It’s going to have this gross-ass gluey texture to it. Embrace this. Baking, like love, isn’t always beautiful, but it’s always what it needs to be.

  2. Get the rest of yo milk and sugar into your small-medium sauce pot, and bring it to a boil. Remember kids, while the old adage is “A watched pot never boils”, keep in mind that a “totally ignored pot of milk SCALDS and BURNS and tastes nasty” rings also true.

  3. Crack and separate your egg yolks from whites (saving those suckers for egg white omelets like every day for a week) into a small-ish bowl that’s big enough to hold everything. Lightly whisk everything and add in your milk-cornstarch-glue mixture and lightly whisk some more. You wanna make sure that glue is in there gud.

  4. Go back to your (hopefully) perfect boiling sugar-milk and temper your eggs by scooping or pouring out some of the hot milk into the egg mixture and whisking like your life depends on it. Seriously, do you want scrambled eggs in your pastry cream? (The answer is no, by the way.)

  5. Once your bowl feels warm to the touch, and it’s got this jaundiced sort of pale yellow look to your egg mixture, pour it in a stream into the sugar-milk pot and continue to furiously whisk again.
    You are going to be so ripped for your Spring Break vacation, you’ll have to send me a postcard. You’re welcome.

  6. Boil your mixture for another minute, while stirring (albeit a little less furiously) until it can coat the back of a spoon. Now, you can quickly swipe your finger BUT WIPE IT IMMEDIATELY. Do Not attempt to lick your finger right after. You will not only have burnt your tongue but also your fucking finger and everything will HURT.

  7. Once you’re done cooing over your burnt finger/tongue combo, remove from heat and stir in your butter stick with vanilla.

  8. Now, normally when something tells me to put plastic film on it I ignore it, because I play by my own rules, dammit. Except…. I didn’t put plastic wrap on this and a weird thick skin formed at the top of my pastry cream that made it hard to… pipe properly… 😭 So if you love it, wrap it. Err. Or something.
    Also, since it’s winter, leave your pot of pastry cream outside in the ice exposed to the elements! Since winter is a personification of my black dark soul, everything outside is dead! Hooray!
    Chill completely before using on cupcakes, btw.

    NOTE: If you notice that your pastry cream after being cooled is hard an lumpy, either run it through a blender, or like go at it animal-style with an immersion blender. I used the immersion blender and that shit sounded like spackle being pushed through a meat grinder. My mom even looked at me like “wtf is that disgusting gloppy mayonnaise sound”.
    It’s the sound of love mom. The Sound Of Love.

Ingredients for Cupcake:

  • 3 cups ap flour
  • 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 12 tbsp unsalted butter {yes u read that right. 2 sticks buddy}
  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 tsp vanilla or more if u a vanilla lover
  • 1 cup + little more buttermilk, OR 1 cup + more whole milk/heavy cream & 1 tbsp lemon juice
  • Instructions:

    1. Preheat yo oven to 350F to represent the love & rage you feel in your heart towards your partner. It’s the perfect temperature to sort your feelings out.

    2. In side medium bowl mix together your flour, baking powder and salt only if you really want to tbh. Pull out your stand mixer and with the paddle attachment cream together your butter & sugar until that shit is nice and fluffy. Let it represent you beating the hurt out of you, and all you’re left with is sweet light butter in your heart.

    3. Add in your eggs one at a time just until incorporated. DON’T do what I did, and just add in two of your eggs because you FORGOT you were doubling it, and end up with something that has the texture of a muffin, which leads you to scrape out all of the liners you already filled once you noticed your mistake!

    4. Sprinkle dinkle in your vanilla and scrape the sides of the bowl, tasting your batter and sighing. Love can be tasty… whelp, occasionally.

      If Megan forgets to proofread this, then the world will know: she has a big ol booty that is fun to smoosh

    5. If u don’t have buttermilk, now is the time to set up your milk-lemon concoction. You have to let the milk spoil in the cup like your spoiled feelings. Somehow, alone it tastes kind of gross, but when you mix it with all of the sweetness of sugar and butter, suddenly your sourness has turned sweet.

    6. Starting and ending with flour, add in your flour mixture and buttermilk really just combining it until you find no more pockets. You want everything to be *just* mixed enough. That’s how u get shit goooood.

    7. Scoop-a-doop your batter into your cute VALENTINES DAY LINERS BITCHES(!!!) Fill them only like 3/4ths of the way full, leaving some space for your little cuties to grow perfectly out of the top!

    8. Pop them lil fuckas into the oven for like 13 minutes. Or do as I did, put them in for 10, have your boyfriend emerge from the office to sniff sniff for some snacks, look at your cupcakes and declare with alarming accuracy that they only need 3 more minutes to bake, before he fromps out back to hide under a blanket while studying.

    9. Take them out of the oven, and let them cool off! I noticed that mine were like a little greasy or something? But I mean, if baking isn’t greasy what’s the point, right??? Let them cool on a rack.

    Ingredients for Burnt Sugar

    • ~1 cup sugar
    • ~1 cup water
    • ~1/2 cup light corn syrup

    Instructions:

    1. In a totally different pot, combine your water, sugar, and corn syrup. Let your mother yell at you about making any cooked sugar stuff. She’ll get over it, don’t worry.

    2. Bring it to a boil for a few minutes, making sure all of it becomes totally clear and the sugar as dissolved. You can stir it a little just to get the dissolving process started, but you don’t need to stand stirring furiously.

    3. Once your sugar as melted, get out a cookie sheet and a silpat. Trust me, u gonna need that silpat, or even some waxed paper. Pour the sugar all over it, and toss it in your still warm oven until the sugar starts to turn brown. It’ll be anywhere between 5 to 10 mins.

    4. Take it outside to cool and harden completely. You’re probably gonna end up with extra, so snack on it!! Great little afternoon snack, seriously.

    Cupcake Assembly:

    1. Grab each of your cute little cooled cupcakes and cut out the center, or use a a fancy cupcake corer. I usually just put the cores to the side and snack on them during this whole process. Trust me, your little black heart will melt into warmth and love.

    2. With a pastry bag with literally any tip you want, (I used round which is why mine are so disfigured) and start in the cupcake heart cavity and start pipping them up and up until you get the amount you want.

    3. Crack up your sugar into pieces and start tastefully putting them on your cupcake. This will give you so much power because you’ll feel like a super cool professional baker due to using sugar glass, I mean fuck man, it’s so cool that even if they look ugly, you’ve seriously created a really fun and different kind of dessert! You’re the best!!

    Note: Like with a real creme brulee, the sugar will start to weep with time. These start to weep pretty quickly, so eat them almost immediately! The weeping will change the color of the pastry cream around the sugar, and it will seep into the cupcake, which tbh, makes the cupcake like 1000x more delicious. πŸ‘


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    πŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’ž
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    An inside look at the life of the Creme Brulee Cupcake. Stay tuned for more on this thrilling documentary!

    In some poetic justice kind of way, this valentine’s day current boyfriend posted this:

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    &

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    I suppose he’s pretty cute sometimes. 😘

    The cupcakes were POPPIN by the way. If my mother didn’t give them all away, I probably would have eaten them all on my bed while my boyfriend snores with his textbook on his chest.

    And you know what? Even with the mistakes that we all make, I’ve come to realize that love is more than just a lump in your throat and your heart sinking to your ass; love is ultimately a choice.

    That may sound almost unromantic, but it isn’t. Think about it, you choose to continue to love somebody even when the cute idiosyncrasies you fell for finally become annoying. You choose to love somebody because the way they smile at you feels like something you can really get used to.

    Despite their mistakes, if at the end of the day you still make each other laugh, pinch each other on the ass, and ultimately always choose each other, it’s pretty close to true love.

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8 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day is whenever I want — Creme Brulee Cupcakes

  1. Wish I could be like foodisthebestshitever and manage to say something funny but I’m just very very glad you’re out of the relationship with the crappy previous boyfriend. And the new bloke does seem nice πŸ™‚
    Creme brulee cupcakes is one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard. Also, love the dramatic flair of the sugar…definitely wouldn’t be Nutmeg-worthy without it!

    • You’re just the greatest person ever, you know?? You ALWAYS say such wonderful meaningful stuff. I always appreciate it!!

      And yes! The original recipe called for just brulee-ing the top, but I figured why not be crazy and wild and make some sugar glass?? If only I knew how to break it without making it seem to jagged. πŸ˜‚

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