Hot Chocolate Cake — It’s still kind of cold, OKAY?

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If you live in the Northeast of America, you know exactly what blizzard I’m’ referring to when I mention the 2016 Blizzard.

I mean shit, I hope you do, because I don’t exactly remembers the name. Fuck man, sorry. Sorry maaaaan.

But yes, back in January of this year, there was some like world ending blizzard and I was supposed to be going to Manhattan for a birthday party that weekend. Basically, I argued almost every day with my mother about it, I just needed to go to this party Friday night, god mom you just don’t get it!!!! Eyeroll so hard, my eyes traveled to the back of my head.

My mother kept arguing with me over this telling me “No!! The storm is big!! You gotta stay home!!”. The storm was apparently predicted to be so big that my godsister came to sleep over since her family was traveling.

Party: Canceled.

Not that I’m complaining of course. I mean shit, I loved having her over, because it felt like it did when we were little girls. We watched movies all day, we bought Chinese food to last us three through the night and we took naps basically all day.

I miss doing that with other girls. Hear that ladies? We need to bring back sisterhood sleepovers even as adults.

The boyfriend was invited to come stay over, but instead, he decided to stay at home and just play video games through the whole thing and survive off crackers and errant leftovers. Honestly? Girl weekend was much more fun anyway.

Once the sun came up Saturday morning, we were literally under like 30 inches of snow, everybody collectively threw up their hands and said: “Fuck it, Saturday is canceled”. Instead of even bothering anything about cleaning (we hoped that sun + time = melted snow) we just stayed in jammies all day and watched movies.

At some point, my godsister turned to me and said “Fluffsters, I need something sweet” and who am I to ever turn down such a beautiful request?

Somebody asking for desserts? Somebody asking me to actually bake?? I get to bake AND eat what I’ve baked AND watch people eat what I’ve baked?!?!?!?!?! This was too much for me to turn down.

Question was: what though? What is the “perfect” snow day dessert? I didn’t want cupcakes (too fussy), or brownies (boring SNORE) and cookies and I happen to have a blood fued with each other that rivals Kardashian Clan VS Blac Chyna + Rob.

Hot chocolate seemed like… the right treat to have, but it didn’t feel like a full dessert. I mean, it’s a drink, guys. That wasn’t really what I was going for… so turning to trusty old Pinterest, my lovely lady, and asking her to spit out some wisdown with a search query like “hot chocolate dessert not suck not instant no coconut NOT COOKIES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD”. You know basic search stuff.

Oh boy does my lovely lady deliver! I ended up finding this nearly sexual little thing, Hot chocolate pudding cake by Chew Out Loud. I looked at that photo and possibly groaned harder than I have in years to food porn. Seriously guys, it’s a fucking cake with warm pudding. If you go and try to tell me this is similar to a lava cake, I’m going to have to ask you to leave because I don’t need your negativity in my life right now thank you.


Molten chocolate pudding cake better than sex cake
God I hate those tacky dessert names, forgive me

Serves: 3 women in pjs stuck in a house due to 30 inches of snow blocking their exit.

  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 1/2 cups ap flour
  • 3/4 cup cocoa powder, unsweetned
  • 3 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 3/4 cup milk, whole is better guys
  • 2/3 cup salted butter, melted
  • 3 tsp vanilla extract
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar, honestly any kind is ok
  • ~2 cups hot brewed coffee

Instructions:

  1. Ok, so I made this in a 7×11 glass pan and it was sliiiiightly too small for all of this, so if you got something sorta bigger, u good! Regardless, heat your oven to 350F.

  2. In a stand mixer with the paddle attachment add in 1/3 cup of the sugar, all of the flour, 1/4 of the cocoa powder, all of the baking powder and salt. Give a quick little stir to combine.

  3. Add in your milk, butter, and vanilla to your dry ingredients. This is the part where shit starts to smell guuuuuud. Don’t eat the batter yet!! It gets better!! Pour this mixture into your ungreased glass pan, guys. It might be a little thick, so just kinda spread that shit.

  4. In another bowl, combine the rest of the cocoa powder, sugar and all of the brown sugar. Sprinkle it all over your mixture in the pan like it’s strudel topping.

  5. Here’s the fun part! Now take your hot coffee (microwave it if it gets cold or something guys) and just fucking pour it on your battery & sugar combo. Just really get it all over. Just keep in mind DO NOT MIX. This is what creates that delicious molten center. If you don’t have the center, why even bake this cake. Why.

  6. Now take this sucker, and pop it into the oven for 35 – 40 minutes. Just keep your eye on it. It should form a crust, and not be jiggly when you shake it. You want it to be JUST baked.
    No no. Please don’t make weed jokes in front of me unless you plan to share some.

  7. Remove this beautiful cake from the oven and actually let it cool a bit (~15 mins) just so the insides don’t burn your tongue out of your face and they thicken or something. I think.

  8.  photo 2-v1_zpsb09kb0he.jpg
    And here she is all full and BE-YOO-TEE-FULL!

    Yes okay, so it looks like a glorified brownie. Don’t judge my life choices!!

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    At this point, and I’m just going to flat out say it, I think I orgasmed looking at it.

    Okay, okay sure, suuuuuuure that was hackneyed writing right there! Especially since I usually hate dorky recipes that are like clearly written by somebody’s married sex-starved cousin, but COME ON. LOOK AT THAT CAKE. Seriously!! This is better than a lava cake. This is better than gooey brownies. This is SEX IN A PLATE AND GODDAMN I AM NOT ASHAMED OF SAYING IT!

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