Parfait, mom-may? — Chocolate, Baileys and Strawberry Parfaits

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I’m horrible at giving gifts. I don’t know what anybody wants and what a “thoughtful” gift is. If you want a card, though, I can be meaningful as fuck and write you a sonnet that will make you sob.

Or at least, uh I cry when I write them.

I have a lot of feelings, okay?

I’m a thoughtless, thoughtless, thoughtless gift giver, which is totally lame of me because I love sentimental thoughtful gifts.
I mean for my birthday, one of my dearest and longest standing friend gave me a key that said “Strength” on it. This key, in particular, is made be a company that employs only the homeless and rehabilitates recently released prisoners.

Knowing how much that mean to me, I fucking sobbed like a baby. Cried in the kitchen while she hugged me.

I’m that kinda person.

But picking out gifts and giving them??? Hoo boy.

Case in point, for mother’s day I made my mother a parfait, even though she never eats heavy cream desserts.

Best part? It wasn’t even my idea to bake anything, much less the parfait. My boyfriend was the one who suggested it.

Daughter of the year?? I’m waiting for my award, thank you.

I suppose it’s my fault for waiting until Sunday at 11 am to decide to bake something. Oh, and did I tell you I was still at my boyfriend’s house? Did I tell you he lives an hour away??

Into the car, we go to the liquor store to buy me Baileys while I convinced him to get my mom the most expensive bottle of champagne.

I mean the lady feeds us, shit. That’s right my momma deserves the nicer champagne.

And isn’t that what mother’s day is about? Getting your mother drunk enough to not realize you didn’t get a present? Isn’t that basically the point of a mimosa??? I’m running with it, and you can’t tell me otherwise.

Since I had already thrown affection into the wind and decided to make a dessert my mother didn’t want, why not make this dessert about me?? Right??? Good plan, Nutmeg!! Thanks, Nutmeg, you’re my biggest fan!

Okay okay, I’m done kissing my own ass.

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Here’s another truth: I’m really not a fan of fresh fruit. I couldn’t really tell you why. So when my boyfriend suggested adding strawberries to the dessert, I kinda wavered on it. I mean, sure I eat apples for breakfast and whatever, but I will almost always turn down a fruit platter. I’d rather eat roasted vegetables?? So fresh fruit in desserts to me is kind of… eh? I’ll cook them down and make them syrupy sweet, but raw I’m pretty disinterested.
But since Hairy McPlaid Shirt suggested the parfaits even in the first place, I figured, why not give him creative license to add whatever the hell he wants?

But wait! How did we even get to these beautiful and perfect Baileys Cookies and Cream Parfaits by Homemade Hooplah? Read above: my strange distaste for fresh fruit in desserts. I was not doing some plain strawberry in whipped cream thing. I know it’s almost hypocritical of me due to me having made two trifles which are typically fresh fruit covered in whipped cream, just larger… but if you look, the jury will see that one is chocolate and the other is made with cooked cranberry sauce!!

I rest my case here, Your Honor!

The truth everyone: I love chocolate desserts. I hate being like one of those “chocoholics” but ya know what? That is who I am and DAMMIT I AM PROUD.

Fuck that felt good to finally say!

Also, to throw in a bone to my boyfriend for even suggesting any of this adventure, I decided to give him the one flavor he craves: Oreos. I mean, fuck it why not?

Halfway through the layering, when Sass MaFrass made the random decision to add in strawberries before I even had a chance to stop him, he was already roughly chopping the berries, tossing them in the cup and layering it.

Well, fuck, who’s the baker here?? Clearly not me! Cha!!!

So here’s my first hybrid dessert, guys. This is a big deal, because like on any other day (Mother’s day or not) I base my dessert decisions ultimately over what I want, so relinquishing a bit of control made me realize oh my god I’m kind of a control freak and I secretly don’t like what people tell me what to do!!!!!!


Baileys Cookies, Cream and Strawberry Parfaits

Serves: A house full of Portuguese people + like 6 just for your man

Ingredients:

  • 2 sleeves of Oreos
  • 4 oz bittersweet chocolate
  • ~3 tbsp cocoa powder
  • 1 cup milk {any fat kind here, friends!}
  • 3 cup heavy whipping cream
  • ~2/3 – 1 cup Baileys
  • 1/2 cup powdered sugar
  • half box of strawberries
  • Instructions:

    1. Grab one of your heavy duty Ziploc bags, and just start shoving Oreos in it. Did I mention only 2 sleeves up above? More like 6 sleeves of cookies, because your vultures (boyfriend, dad, little humans, hungry dogs) will be chomping at the bits to sneak a few bites. Take your rolling pin, and just start whamming the shit out of your Oreo bag. Really start to go so wild, everybody in the kitchen will stop what they’re doing to start yelling at you for ruining the marble counter tops.
      Thanks, guys! I couldn’t do it without you!

    2. While you start to step away from the crushed Oreo bag, watch as all of the kitchen bottom feeders emerge around the bag, stealing crumbs of off-name brand sandwich “crème” cookies. This is an important step, guys. Seriously. Watch that fucking bag. You’re gonna end up with an Oreo-less dessert due to their impunity.

    3. Now go and continue your baking, while stepping away from the cookie bag, and grab yo’ self a glass bowl to nervously snap a whole expensive baking chocolate bar into. Pour in the milk and nuke the shit out of it in intervals of 15 seconds, stirring it around to really melt dat chocolate.

    4. Now look in your bowl; what do you got? A steaming hot bowl of sad chocolate milk? YOU GUD. THAT’S WHAT WE WANT. Add in the cocoa powder, only tbsp at a time, mostly because adding all three would be a major massive pain in the ass to mix in. Also, this way you can add what u want or summtin. Really mix it in tho. This is like all of your childhood nightmares and frustrations of mixing Nesquik powder into your late night milk glass, except worst because this takes forever to work in.

    5. Schlep out your large stand mixer, and with the whisk attachment start whippin’ up the heavy cream, powdered sugar, and Baileys depending on how drunk you want to be on mother’s day after you’re sick and tired of watching the— hey! I saw that!— the cookie bag. Sigh. For me, that seemed to err on the side of almost 1 cup. Make sure to beat it on high until stiff peaks form!

    6. Now take your boozed up cream, and divide it in half. One stays nice and unaltered, while the other one is gonna get sexed up with your glorified chocolate milk. Fold that sucka with the milk chocolate that you kind of just dumped into the bowl. It’s okay if it turns out to be a little softer than the white. Honestly, my chocolate was goopin’ around, and everybody still loved it, SOOOOOO.

    7. While you’re readying for assembly, drop your half closed Oreo bag on the floor, unleashing a torrent of chocolate crumbs onto the floor that you’ll watch your boyfriend fight with your dog to snack up. Or maybe he was throwing it out. Minor differences!! Whatever!!! Inelegantly throw in like 2 more sleeves of Oreos before your cookie goblin eats the rest of them.

    8. Proceed to next argue with your boyfriend over the kinds of cups I should be setting up the parfaits in, since I don’t have any parfait glasses?? Like is that even a thing?? Don’t tell me. I want to be in denial. Just say fuck it, you’re putting them in your glass coffee mugs, and that’s that, OKAY?

    9. Start off by being too lazy to get out your two piping bags, and just getting a spoon and gloping the moist chocolate cream at the bottom, followed by some miraculously remaining cookie crumbs, some sloppy white cream and then followed by more loose chocolate cream, ad inifinitum until you run out of cups, move on to bowls, and just let your hairy crackerjack eat the rest of the cream out of the bowl.

    10. Or you know, you can just follow these steps for about 2 cups, turn around for a moment to find your boyfriend has acquired strawberries out of the fridge, and off-handedly suggests “hey! Let’s add strawberries!” to which before you can even say “absolutely not, I’m a control freak and you can’t change my recipe” he’s already chopped up pieces, tossed them in and has covered them up with the next layer.
      Aw fuck me. Now I have to add them to the rest.
      The order doesn’t exactly matter, except for the fact that since I don’t like fresh fruit much in my desserts, I only put one layer of them in the mix.

    11. If at some point you run out of one cream or the other, just keep stacking up the parfaits with cookies and berries until you’re done! Start getting heavy handed with the cookie crumbs, assuming you even have any left. Once you’re done, put them to chill in the fridge and finally join the fucking party you’ve been ignoring for over an hour. Sheesh!

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    I am a messy little baker person. Forgive me, mother! Not even on mother’s day can I keep it together!!
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    Obligatory top-down shot, of course

    As you can see with my parfaits, they’re all pretty colorful and if anything, erring on the side of bizarre. In a funny sort of not-really-actually-funny kind of way, all of the little cups were filled with different ingredients in different ways. In a way, it always represented this sort of unity that could be akin to “family”.

    The mismatching cups were all bursting forth with chocolate, whipped cream, and booze (the three things that makes people human). However, some had strawberries, all had cookies, but their arrangement was at best, a slightly drunken mess and totally unique.

    And isn’t that the best gift to give your mother? A beautiful, totally ham-fisted allegory to your family?

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    HAH! Fuck no, ya ungrateful bitch. Momma wants some presents. But at least the parfaits were still really good though!!!!

    Love ya, mom! xoxo

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