The Sleepy Bitch S’mores Bars

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Look, I don’t know about you other bloggers, but you people pump out posts like fucking machines. Seriously. How do you do it??

I still live at home SURPRISE (!!! not) and so I thankfully still have a clean house, a (sometimes) made bed, and dinner to come home to. I don’t even get home that super late and I still couldn’t imagine having to cook, clean, yoga, shower, bake and blog. Seriously I’d eat spaghetti every day until my blood-pasta sauce level was .08.

I’d be mostly sauce, guys.

Recently at work, we had some kind of fundraiser potluck where we were asked to either bake / cook and donate or bring nothing and donate more.

The donation “penalty”, technically speaking, actually was cheaper since baking is expensive fuuuuuuck. But you know what?? For the love of blog and baking, my sticky grubby little cookie fingers jumped on the chance to have a captive audience.

AND SO THE PLANNING BEGAN.

This was announced before Memorial Day, so I thought “You know what people love during the summer?? Citrus desserts!!!” It’s the summertime, and people love bright tangy bold summery flavors, ya know??

Thought: lemon meringue pie it is!!

I started making the lemon curd filling, and not the pie because fuck it I didn’t have time to make a pie crust on such short notice (announced Monday, scheduled Wednesday) and I kinda suck at making pie crusts okay?? I’m ashamed. Plus, nobody would know until my coworkers read my post so no harm no foul, right? Right.

Well…. the potluck got canceled, leaving me elbow deep with lemon curd in the fridge. Dammit, this isn’t gonna go to waste. So, I made a lemon meringue pie for Memorial Day that just…. sank. Maybe I’ll post it?? Who knows! My life is a series of unfortunate choices and aimless wanderings!!

When the potluck was rescheduled I wasn’t in the mood to bake another pie anymore. I’m a fickle lover and I need variety… yet I still want to make something that is office friendly and stupid easy. Even though my mom is super nice enough to be a loving homemaker, (she’s also the maid and chef service to my adult ass sister in her apartment half an hour away) I’m still *so* tired all of the time. Commuting over an hour in both directions really fucking wears you down. During the week, I just don’t have the energy or the mental capacity to bake something elaborate.

Except well, I totally do, as I found out the other night, furiously baking for the blog.

Typically I don’t bake anything for the blog, I just bake something and then I chronical my trail of tears all through the kitchen to my keyboard. This time not only did I actually bake something for the blog for the first time, I’ve also baked something TWICE before posting it.

What the heck?? Who am I? Who is this person? Somebody… possibly becoming accomplished??

Haha, more like somebody who needed to fucking stress eat her weight in gooey s’mores bars.

The first time I made these, I made it with…. store bought marshmallow fluff.

LOOK. I was too TIRED. I had a LONG WEEK. Everything HURT. I just wanted to SLEEP. OKAY??? O.K.A.Y.???? I am a BUSY BIZZNIZZ LAYDEE.

I just didn’t have it in me to bake everything from scratch on a random Tuesday night! I had to fight off Snork Muncher and my sticky fingered father from eating these while I wasn’t looking. It was A Lot To Deal with O-K??

At our little work potluck, everybody actually brought in some pretty good stuff, mostly food. A girl bought some fancy rice krispie treats and another brought some raspberry things, but other than that, nobody else brought in dessert. This high holy task was solely bequeathed to moi, yours truly.

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Food was pretty good tho. Almost all of it spicy.

My little bars looked ugly as fuck, so when people started nibbling on them, I almost burst into straight sobbing tears when everybody in the room told me they were delicious.

Not only that, my CEO who probably does kickboxing and can probably murder a man, told me she liked them so much I could sell them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phew. Almost passed out there again.

They all asked how I made it, and……… Well……. in great SHAME I LIED about making the marshmallow syrup.
“Oh, it’s like a meringue!” I lied through my fucking stupid oversized teeth and clown painted lips.
“Very fancy!” People happily murmured as they licked their lips eating my lazy bitch s’mores of LIES.

What!!! What!! Okay, Judge me!! But only if you can cast a stone at me because you’ve never lied in baking before!

So in order to redeem myself, I’ve decided to follow the path of righteousness and bake everything from scratch. A grand holy light falls upon my head from the heavens as an angelic choir announces my ascension.

Lol whatever let’s just get to the baking.

The recipe I found is from Baking Bites from like 2007???? Bitch u were making such revolutionary things in 2007??? Where’s the fame and glory???

Okay, so I’m gonna be honest with you all again. While this dessert was seriously perfect the way it is, I am a fickle dramatic woman and I need to always complicate my life. I figured I could improve on the recipe a second time around, and not only improve but make it all from scratch so I’m no longer a faker !!

The marshmallow syrup fluffy whatever I bought, I found, made the dessert *too* sweet with milk chocolate. Also, since it was literally all high fructose corn syrup and gelatin, it was really fucking gooey. I mean gooey in a perfect way… but too sweet!

So in my do over I vowed to make the marshmallow fluff the *right* way and do it from scratch. If I control the sweetness it’ll make that same gooey center AND be less sweet AND I SHALL TAKE THE GLORY OF THE S’MORES BAR!!!!!!!!!!!

Except??? EXCEPT…….. I didn’t exactly follow the recipe from Baking A Moment. Didn’t use enough corn syrup because I figured it would be less sweet which = good… and I probably didn’t use enough gelatin because in my house all I have is a surplus of Portuguese gelatin leaves (enough to have killed at least 3 horses). I don’t have any American powdered gelatin. Tear!! My life is so hard!!!

So head my advice: if you can actually follow the fucking recipe unlike me, then MAKE THE MARSHMALLOW FILLING SYRUP STUFF. It’ll really make it sing!! If you can’t follow the recipe?? Then welcome to basically a fucking graham cracker flavored brownie with a molten chocolate center.

Actually? It ain’t so bad. ๐Ÿ˜Ž


S’mores Bars

Serves: 18 bars or exactly enough for your office of 11 because you ate 7 the night before.

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup butter
  • 1/4 cup + 2 tbsp brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup molasses
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 1 large egg
  • 2 tsp vanilla
  • 1 cup crushed graham crackers
  • 1 2/3 cup ap flour
  • 1 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1/4 tsp salt + 1/4 tsp salt (yes it’s different!!)
  • ~1/8 – 1/4 cup oil (just feel the dough maaaan)
  • 4 regular sized milk chocolate bars
  • 1 1/2 marshmallow fluff (HOMEMADE OR NOT IT’S OK FAM I WON’T JUDGE)

Instructions:

  1. Preheat your oven to 350F & butter a 9×13 pan. In your stand mixer, haphazardly throw in the butter and your brown and white sugar to cream with the paddle attachment. Let your butter get pale and then get tanner than me as the magical powers of brown sugar imbue with the butter.

  2. Once your butter looks creamed enough (lol whatev) just pour in the molasses and let its color make you run to the tanning salon to book your spray tan appointments. Toss in your egg and vanilla at the end to make a gloppy mess.

  3. If you’re a fancy pants with no childlike sense of wonder, you can pulverize your graham crackers in the food processor… OR you can get out your marble mortar and pestle and beat the shit out of your graham crackers until you get what you need. It’s like living that sexual bully fantasy you’ve had since you were 11.
    Wait. Was that only me???? DELETE DELETE that never happened!!

  4. Put your crushed sexual repression crackers in a bowl along with your flour, baking soda and 1/4 tsp salt. Give it a little toss(ed salad) and just keep trucking through your life!!!!

  5. In small additions, dump in your cracker-flour (me) mixture to the butter mixture (beautifully bronzed, perfect hair, eyebrows on fleek) (so not me). While you’re just mixing each addition until combined, sort of eyeball the oil. Err on the side of less, but add just enough so it’s not a dry ass cracker cookie mess.

  6. If you haven’t buttered your pan do it the fuck NOW. This shit is sticky and will attempt to kill you as the knife you’ve pried in the corners of the pan to loosen it out, comes spinning out of your hands and almost impaling your boob.

  7. Get some extra flour for your hands and start globing the mixture into the center of your pan. Use your fingers and hands to smoosh everything into place. You want to use as close to half of your mixture as you can eyeball. Don’t worry I didn’t major in math either and I figured it out ๐Ÿ‘Œ

  8. Now lay out the chocolate bars, leaving like half an inch of space between them. I think I was able to fit in 4 bars. Sprinkle the extra 1/4 tsp salt on them just to sort of kill some of the sweetness.

  9. Drown all of your chocolate in your choice of marshmallow jizzsyrup. Just get in there and just kinda schmeer it around with a knife or a tiny offset spatula if you’re arrogant like me.

  10. Once it’s all spread out, grab some parchment paper (Stop groaning!! You actually have to do this! I groaned too!) and FLOUR IT A LITTLE. Scoop out the rest of your dough right on there, and with floured hands, shape it into roughly the same shape and size of the pan.
    Flip the shaped dough onto the top of the dessert and peel off the parchment. If you didn’t flour it like a dingus (me), you’re going to have a bad time scooping it off in clumps.
    Listen to me friends. I make mistakes so you don’t have to!

  11. Bake in the oven for about 30 minutes. Once done take it out and START scrapping the sides. Let it cool off before you go in there and enjoy literally the most ingeniously ugly baked good of your LYFE!!!

Now we’re gonna do a little game where we compare the two attempts to each other. Guys, this is like the first time I’m being almost scientific about this.

Jarred Fluff:
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Thick, gooey and gloppy; you know like me on a lonely Saturday night.

Homemade Fluff:
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I’d make another jizz joke, but seriously, seriously just looking at this photo is enough. I rest my case, thank you.

Jarred Fluff + Perfect application of top layer:
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The goop seeps out through the sides. The top is so thick and well sealed, the fluff has nowhere to go but the edges.

Homemade Fluff + Fucked up top application because I suck:
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THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL. The top is all cracked, and the fluff has seeped out to the top, AND has seeped into the batter.

The final product made with homemade fluff:
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MY HARD WORK. All of it, seeped into the fucking batter!!! It doesn’t taste bad or anything, but SHIT WHY. W.H.Y.

I did find out through this second baking that I could make the structural part taste better by adding molasses. This seriously elevates it to another level. The sides become crunchy but chewy. Honestly, the sides are even better than the middle in this case. Seriously. I’m speaking blasphemy to tell the truth.

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In the end, at work, everybody went around the table with the gourmet rice krispie treats, each taking one of the different flavors leaving me last with nothing but the s’mores one.

Match made in heaven? I think so.

Styrofoam plate and all. ๐Ÿ’‹

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11 thoughts on “The Sleepy Bitch S’mores Bars

    • They both came out so good!! I wish I only got the marshmallow fluff done correctly! I wonder if I can still figure out how to thicken the homemade fluff so it doesn’t melt. ๐Ÿ˜…

  1. Those look so freaking awesome. I may try to make them for 4th of July. Speaking of honestly in baking, my Grandmother once ran the dessert counter at a livestock auction barn. We thought she made her own crusts; turns out, she used crust from a box. However, my mom and I learned to make a homemade pie crust that would rival Grams, so, there’s that. [I wrote about it all here: http://wp.me/p3pOZt-23y ]

    As for posting, I routinely write many posts [or the basic ideas for posts] over the space of a day or two and then schedule them to go out. I think my record is fifteen days worth!

    • Oh my gosh my post turn around is forever and ever. It’s shameful really. I gotta hop to it.

      And I love how grandma also hoodwinked everybody! ๐Ÿ˜‚ grandmas seem so trust worthy but then they come out with the frozen pie crust!!

      I’ll check out yours. I’m sure it was fab ๐Ÿ˜˜

  2. These bars look sexy as hell! I’m totally making them for my bucket list so thank you for posting the recipe! ๐Ÿ™‚ Also, I love your writing style. It makes me chuckle and grin from ear to ear. Well done! I can’t wait to read more.

  3. Hahaha!! This post is too freaking funny!!
    Dude I don’t know how bloggers cough out post after post after post either, like how the FUCK DOOO they do this??
    In the back of my head I know that the only reason they able to do it is because it’s legit their full time job. And I guess that’s motivation enough lol

    As for baking, dude baking fucking suuuuuuuucks.
    At least for me! I LOATHE fucking baking. I have to make a pie crust (because you know the blogger in us won’t let us use store bought crusts)?? Forget it.
    Yall need booze – I got you. Pie crust – go fuck yourself.

    So well done you little go-getter you for doing all this shit from scratch. You’re a goddamn BOSS at this shit!

    • YASSSS!!! I suppose it’s because they got more time??? Or they’re just like ninja posters seriously. Sneaking in like 2 or 3 lines every moment they get and I’m just like ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜จ making everything from scratch is almost like GUILT INDUCING. Not by anybody else either!! By me!! My internal self! It’s always like “you don’t gotta do this. Do better.” Nah fuck ya shut up for a minute please ๐Ÿ˜ญ

      OMG you’re so funny because I’m the opposite !! I’m so lazy ASS cook. The most complex meal I can properly make without it tasting like raw shrimp ass is pasta with some sort of pan sauce. THE JOKE TELLS THE TRUTH, GIRL.

      Also, let’s booze up. Boozy baking is fun because somehow it takes you 6 hours to bake a cake and it tastes bad but you don’t even notice because you’re asleep before you can eat it.

      That’s my new diet plan now โœŒ๐Ÿ‘

      • LMAO @ “the jokes tell the truth”, hahaha!!
        Boozey baking would = me going, “fuck this, preheating this oven is making me hot, I’m going outside.”

        Anytime I have a little sippy sip when I cook, I end up blasting the music and trying to twerk in my living room and trying on shoes I don’t wear. Only making it back to the kitchen with juuuuuust enough time for my shit not to burn.

  4. These sound incredible in that warm and sweet and sticky way that some of the best desserts are. I love the marbled look of the homemade fluff + marble-y application! (And I wonder if the fluff seeping in the batter has to do with the thinner consistency of the homemade fluff?)
    I just had a potluck on Friday. I’m impressed that yours didn’t have too many desserts–ours was in fact mostly desserts, and so the savoury side was carried on the shoulders of the lab manager’s dumplings (which are always the best) and a post-doc’s wife’s kimbap (which also made me very happy). And then there was dessert and dessert and dessert…though I still think our potluck could have used these s’more bars…. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Though I keep meaning to, I don’t know how to post frequently either. It’s fine though–I think your posts are well worth waiting for because they are just SO funny!

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