Mini blueberry cheesecakes

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Sorry if it appears that I’ve been gone for 600 years. My life was actually busy for once!!

Guys. Guys. I was a BRIDESMAID in my longest and oldest friend’s wedding! She got married to her high school boyfriend and seriously set up #relationshipgoals because somehow they’re not even tired of each other??

I mean shit I get tired of eating the same lunch more than 3 days in a row. Bless you people for getting married to your high school partners. You guys are made of better stuff than me.

To celebrate, we went to LAS VEGAS FOR HER BACHELORETTE PARTY BAY-BEE!!!

And you know what else? WE GOT INTO 1OAK FOR FREE ON THE GUEST LIST INTO BOTTLE SERVICE AND DANCED WITH HOT BRITISH GUYS AND THE WORLD IS AMAZING.

Yes. Humble Nutmeg clawed from the depths of reading shitty manga during her 6th grade recess period while greasy and chunky to HAVING MEN RUB MY BUTT IN VENERATION AT THE CLUB.

Seriously. They honest to god did. Weirdest experience ever, but hey!

But before all of these shenanigans with the girl squad (sorry I’m so new to feeling cool), it was the Great (workplace) Bake-off. Hooray!

Not to be a brag, but considering I’m the only person in the office who has ever baked anything from scratch in the year I’ve been there, I think it’s safe and okay to say that I was going to win. The question was mostly: with what?

How big of an attention loving bitch am I?
Short answer? H.U.G.E.

Look we all gotta be honest with ourselves as bloggers okay??

I was originally going to make a whole cheesecake but since it’s 600Β° in NYC and the humidity is at 1,000,000Β°, I was a little nervous to bring a whole cheesecake and have it melt or something.

Do cheesecakes actually melt?

No, don’t tell me. I’d rather be oblivious.

My logic dictated that since a large cheesecake would somehow melt, small mini cheesecakes wouldn’t! Because size *does* matter!!

So in being the cocky little shit I am, I wanted my mini cheesecakes (which I picked blueberry because it’s my favorite) to be aesthetically pleasing because nothing gets my dick harder than people praising me for a pretty dessert.

My folly became my failure.

Children of the blogosphere: head my words and do not bake mini cheesecakes in a mini muffin pan without the liners.

If you do? Know that you’ll essentially be eating humble pie. *bah-dah-dum-tisss*
Thank you thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be corny all night!

Still, because I’m ridiculous and like to make my life complicated, I was in the mood to try a new recipe, in a new form, with tools missing. βœŒπŸ‘

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The recipe is from Swanky Recipes… I used graham crackers (because I’m a fun killer) and halved the recipe because there was no way in hell I was stuffing 72 cups. 😐 Logic dictates that half of 72 is 36…. except I think I really got only like 24 cups out of it. My pan is also super mini so that made it even more confusing??

Whatever. Either way, instead of attempting to decorate my dessert like the photos show, I’ve decided to be even more ridiculous and attempt to swirl the blueberry top.

So let’s recap:

  1. I am baking mini cheesecakes without the liners
  2. This is my first time trying this recipe
  3. I’ve never even made mini cheesecakes before
  4. Now I’m attempting complicated fiddly decorating
  5. My life is a mess somebody hook me to an IV drip of rosΓ© wine and leave me to die

Good I’m glad we’re all caught up. Let’s do this shit.


Ingredients for Crust:

  • 1 cup crushed graham crackers
  • 1/2 butter (… or oil? It works in a pinch!)

Instructions:

  1. Pulverize your graham crackers in whatever way helps you cope with your crippling disdain of your daily life.
    I like to use a mortal and pestle since my scrawny arms and little hands can finally feel powerful enough to take on my enemies.

  2. Pour in your butter or oil, depending on how cheap you’re feeling and toss it around until it looks like the wet sand beaches you haven’t visited this year.

  3. Scoop a little into the mini muffin tin cups and smoosh it all in really compact with your fingers. You want that shit tight, son.

Ingredients for blueberry random sauce jam:

  • 1 inch water in the pot
  • handful of blueberries??
  • 1/4 cup sugar???
  • squirt lemon juice????

Instructions:
Look you know I’m honest with you. If you got a better recipe then follow it. I just eyeballed this shit.

  1. Pour an inch of water in your pot. Just kind of look at it until it looks solid. I mean????
  2. Put your blueberries, sugar and lemon juice in and cook that shit up until the juices release and a few pf the berries pop. You want fun and thick (like me) not thin and runny.
  3. Let it cool off and you done?

Ingredients for Cheesecake:

  • 1 eight oz package of cream cheese
  • 1/2 cup granulated sugar
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 1 large egg
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 1/2 heavy cream

Instructions:

  1. You know the drill, preheat that oven to 350Β°F.

  2. In a stand mixer with the paddle attachment, toss in your cream cheese and beat it on medium until it’s light and fluffy like what baby angels would eat.

  3. Add in your sugar and salt, then add in your egg and beat it super slowly! You want it to be just incorporated!! You don’t want these little babies to crack, do you?!?! Toss in your vanilla and heavy cream, and you ready to go baby.

  4. Since you’re so super prepared and already finished the crust, you can now let the batter rest or 10 minutes and dance around your kitchen or something! Whip your hair back and forth! Shake your ass, whatever!!!! If dancing during baking breaks is wrong, then I never want to be right.
    Once ten minutes have passed, or 3 replays of “Don’t Hurt Yourself” by Queen Bey have made your voice hoarse, start pouring all of the batter into your little crust lined mini muffin pans.

  5. Now the fun part! Get out your blueberry mixture and drop just a tiny bit in each one. With a toothpick muddle the middle, and make it look like those beautiful cheesecakes you always aspire to, but can’t achieve because your skills are just so lacking and oh my god why whyyyyy.

  6. Take your pans, and pop them in the oven for about ~20 minutes or until the centers still jiggle a bit (like me).

  7. Once baked, let them completely come to room temp (about an hour?). Take a thin knife and sort of loosen the sides. Then stick them in the freezer overnight. You need them to be rock solid.

  8. The next day, bring them out and let them warm up for at least 20 minutes. Once they’ve warmed a little, turn your pan upside down and tilt it so that one side touches the table. Start to bang the shit out of it, but carefully check every so often to make sure you are catching the little suckers before you smash them in your fit of confused anger.
    … I smashed one, or two or seven………. in a vain attempt to find a healthy outlet to my under-the-surface rage. Oh well!!!

  9. Save all of the non-smooshed ones and present them to your friends and family on the major Euro 2016 game. Eat the smooshed ones alone in your undies at midnight. Nobody will know of your mistakes. Nobody will ever find out.

These ended up not going to work. I smashed too many of them, and just ended up baking a pie.

Have no fear, nothing goes to waste! These were consumed en masse by ~30 Portuguese people in 30 seconds. I think the minis were more loved at home anyway.

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This is what happens when you are a drank ass hoe. Except jk not really because your mom bought this!!!
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When you try to be fancy as shit with a little toothpick.
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LOOK. Anger gets to the best of us, ok??? Sometimes you just gotta smash the shit out of a pan and… accidentally crush some of your cheesecake babies. 😦

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Check out these little cuties on a table with aletria. 😘

This is just a symbol of current Portuguese-American living. What’s more beautiful than mixing desserts?

Probably nothing.

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