I’m not really a fan of ghosting, but here I am, ghosting on my blog. Anytime I’m single, I try to rationalize my ghosting on boys by telling myself that they do it to me, so why not just stop caring, right? I mean, strangers don’t typically go out of their way to help you… right?
That’s a toxic self-fulfilling way of thinking. We tell ourselves to not be kind in order to not get ourselves hurt, and yet it’s not fair to us or others. We’ve set ourselves up to fail.
I’ve been trying to teach myself to be kinder to myself and others over the past three years since I’ve broken up with an emotionally abusive man. I kept telling myself the next few years would be better, but they kind of have been a crapshoot.
Oh, not because I left him. Oh gosh no, breaking up and moving on from my college boyfriend was the greatest thing that happened to me in years! My current problems have been a series of events that collided at the same time; financial troubles, beget legal troubles which beget family troubles.
Through all of this I got a job I wasn’t originally thrilled for but started to love as I did more of what I like: writing, editing, photography & photoshopping. Joy filled with me daily as I got up, washed my face and headed into the city daily to accomplish something. I felt like I was really giving back since I was working for a non-profit. Yeah, my job had shitty parts, but it was much better than working with manipulative and abusive family members. Plus, I got to write, and we all know I have A LOT to say.
Slowly, my job turned into a direction I was no longer happy with. I kept telling myself, the new car smell of my new job had just worn off. But as I saw things I was promised (writing, social media, etc) was being stripped away, I stayed because, hey, they kept promoting me, so they must like me! Even if the positions I was being promoted to were data-related and not making use of my creativity and critical thinking skills, I figured, why not stay.
Nepotism and favoritism ran rampant in such a small office. I didn’t integrate into the culture successfully due to reasons I really wish I knew and understood. Maybe I would have left with something to understand why the situation unfolded as it did. As months passed, it became apparent I was not really compatible with anybody in the office, save for a few niceties. Even that wasn’t enough to help me.
Snip, snip, snip, things were cut away and I was left with a job I was no longer proud of, but I worked at professionally and gave it my all. I told myself to make the best out of everything, while privately my life was falling apart.
The family troubles? Oh, they followed. I also had other personal issues I dealt with (anxiety, self-esteem, etc) which all caused me to collide against a wall. Nothing was going right. Nothing was okay.
I’m not ashamed to admit this, even if coworkers read this, even if my sister reads this just to laugh in spite of me.
I don’t wish anybody ill, even if ill was wished against me.
In the middle of finally getting up and wanting to try again, the election in America happened, causing a mourning so deep in the nation, I felt like it was in poor taste of me to speak about anything other than the injustices happening, so I grew silent. My phone crashed due to an update, causing me to lose over 5 posts worth of photos I never backed up, causing me to grow even more inward.
I no longer have a job, but I still have my hope. I’m taking writing classes now, I’m toying with the idea of a front end web coding class, looking for freelancing positions, and trying to get myself together.
When you’re in so deep in that muck and mire of your sadness and depression, crawling up seems impossible. You constantly roll and roll until your clothes are covered and you feel cemented to the dirt patch you sleep on. With help and understanding from the people around you, you peel off your clothing until you are new. The first step doesn’t seem so hard once you’re lighter.
Here I stand, taking my first step.
(P.S. Next post we will be back to our regularly scheduled program of cakes, theatrics, and gushing)